“Just stop pushing him away. He lost his brother, too, and you need to be there for him as well. And, although it’s hard, do you honestly think that Maddison would want you to stay miserable forever? He knew Oliver loved you, and he didn’t think twice before reaching for his happy ending.”
Why can’t I fight her logic? “But what if this isn’t the right thing to do? What if we aren’t meant to be together?” I wrung my hands and rubbed the silver bracelet still wrapped around my wrist.
“You can never know what the right or wrong decision is. You can only follow your heart and do what you think is for the best. Don’t avoid the hard choices in life because of fear. You’ll never find happiness, then.” She engulfed me in a hug, and I went willingly, clinging to her and her wisdom. Everything she’d said had hit home in a way that was terrifying yet reassuring. Maybe the jigsaw of my messed-up life could be put back together again.
There was more than guilt here. I’d just not recognised it.
Mum gently rocked me in her arms, soothing me and my fragile heart.
“You’re frightened. That’s okay, but don’t hide behind it. Sometimes you have to be strong, for yourself.” She kissed my cheek and wiped the tears from her own cheeks.
“Thank you, Mum.”
“Nothing to thank me for. How about a cup of tea?”
I nodded and stared at the blank screen of the telly as she set about fixing the world’s best remedy. Bob padded down the stairs and jumped onto my lap with a small meow.
The revelations from our conversation were eye-opening—not just about Oliver, but also about my father. Somehow, they didn’t tip me over the edge. If anything, they pulled me back, and I already felt more in control. There was more to Maddison’s death, more people involved, and I wasn’t to blame. I stroked Bob’s fur, helping him to nest on my lap. Living in the past wasn’t going to help me. Neither was wishing for the circumstances to change. Blaming myself would drive me crazy because there was nothing I could have done to change how things turned out. Fate, decisions, choices, whatever the reason, it was over now.
I just had to figure a way to move on.
Chapter 33
Grace
Dear Oliver,
Firstly, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for so many things, but mostly for pushing you away and not helping you when you lost Maddison right alongside me. Please forgive me.
Hopefully, this letter will go some way to explain the way I’ve felt these last months.
Now, I know I have no right to ask you to wait for me, but I’m going to anyway.
I love you. I’ve always loved you, but you know that already. That’s why you’ve never given up on me. And why you look to protect me whenever you can. My mum told me about my father, and that you carried that knowledge by yourself, protecting me again.
Since Maddison’s death, I’ve been stuck, trying to cope with all the emotions from his death, but also the others it dredged up with it.
Somewhere in all of this, I realised something else—I’m terrified of getting hurt again. That’s why I pushed you away. My heart is still in pieces, and I know you want to be the one to mend it. But I need to do that for myself.
I’ve been in love with you, Maddison, or both of you since I can remember. And for the first time, I need to protect my heart for me. It’s not strong enough to survive any more heartbreak or loss. And I want to put that right.
On Bob’s life, I promise that I will work at moving past the guilt that has plagued me and work at being the person you’ve always known I can be. But you have to give me the time to do it.
I’ll contact you when I’m ready, and then we can work at being friends like we always were.
Love Grace.
Six months later
Oliver honoured my request.
From the moment I’d sent the letter, he hadn’t contacted me. And now, it was my turn to be in the dark. It was like the time he’d left all over again, and it was hard to imagine how he’d coped for all those months, getting no reply. He’d never given up.
Unlike Oliver, I couldn’t pack up and travel around the globe. I put my energy into my job, making friends at work, and being sociable. All the things I should have been doing over the previous year.
Every step, every positive action I took, hurt. It felt like I was leaving a part of me behind—the part that belonged to two boys.
But slowly, my affirmative attitude started to take hold, and my chest didn’t ache so much. The guilt didn’t weigh so heavily, and my smile came back. Work became exciting again, and I found a spark that I wanted to nurture. The books and manuscripts I read and authors I supported, inspired me, and I worked hard at my job because I believed in these stories again. The fantasy realms and magical worlds they depicted, resonated inside me and became my strength and source of happiness.
And it was that fire that pushed me forward and stopped me from dwelling on the pain in my past that I couldn’t control. I’d found a comfort level all on my own, and I was proud. The need to compulsively visit Maddison’s grave had eased, and although I still went, the sorrow didn’t grasp me like it used to.
“Hey, Maddison.” I ran my hand over the headstone and brushed off the few leaves that had found a home resting on the marble. The early evening quiet of the churchyard was calming; the breeze whipping through and rustling the trees prevented it from feeling eerie.
“I know that we all wish things were different, and I’m sure you’d be the first in line to change the outcome. But it’s time for me to stop living for the past and look to the future.” I gazed around, suddenly paranoid that there was someone here watching, but it was as empty as it always was.
“I’m seeing Oliver tomorrow. It’s been a while, so I don’t even know that he’ll talk to me, but I hope. And that’s something I’ve not had in a long time. I’m ready. It’s taken me a while, but I know that so many of the things I blamed myself for weren’t all on me. We loved each other so much, we didn’t consider if we were heading in the same direction. I’m sorry you felt the only way was to prove yourself. You never had to do that for me. And you got mixed up in whatever poison drove my mum away. I’m so sorry.” I thought of the words I’d learned to identify my feelings and how just a few months ago, every one of them had been disguised as guilt. “There are plenty of things I regret, Mads. But loving you will never be one of them. I hope you know that.”
I replaced the flowers that I always brought and gave the grave and his name a final look. Maddison and I hadn’t had the opportunity to resolve many of the feelings between us, but I’d done everything I could to honour him—and us.
But I wouldn’t let him hold me back from my happiness anymore.
Butterflies swarmed in my stomach as I waited for Oliver. I couldn’t sleep last night, after finally allowing myself to feel the excitement that might come from our reunion. Of course, it would take a huge amount of work. We’d barely been friends for the last several years. It would be foolish to assume we’d suddenly go back to being best friends when so much has changed for both of us. But I knew that no matter what Oliver had to say, I’d be grateful for him being in my life. If that was just as a friend, then so be it.