As I let go of all the remaining tension in my muscles, I could sense that she had crossed the circle and was behind Laura. Normally this sort of thing would send me into a fit of giggles, but this felt really important. Laura had put up with my mood swings, my tears, my listlessness without comment and I’d done very little to repay her. Now I sent her my love telepathically and thanked the universe for her friendship.
I don’t know how much time passed but suddenly, I felt Maureen’s light touch on my shoulders. It was my turn; my stomach fluttered with nerves.
All at once, colours danced inside my eyelids: red, green, blue like fireworks exploding in my brain and all the doubts I’d had at the start of the session melted away. Even if these crystals didn’t have any effect, just sitting here, meditating and thinking good thoughts felt like a very good way to pass the time.
I sensed Maureen moving behind me, that heady aroma growing stronger and I heard the faint chinking sound as she selected crystals from the bag. After that initial contact, she didn’t touch me again, but I knew she was there and I knew she was trying to help me, to ease the sadness which she’d sensed so intuitively.
When will I feel normal again, Freddie? When will I wake up in the morning without my stomach dropping, remembering that your room is empty and you’re not coming back? When will I stop fearing for everyone I see riding a motorbike, wanting to shake them and tell them how stupid, how dangerous they are? Life just isn’t fun any more, grief feels like such a heavy load to carry day after day. First Dad left us and now you. I can’t bear it; I can’t bear losing people I love. Perhaps that’s the answer, perhaps I shouldn’t love anyone at all and save myself the heartache.
An image floated through my mind, a memory of my big brother and me playing on the altar in the little Welsh chapel where Granny was in charge of the flowers. We were obsessed with a board game called Operation at the time and we would take it in turns to operate on each other while Granny created huge arrangements of lilies and gladioli and chrysanthemums with the other ladies. I missed Granny so much, but her death had felt like the natural order of things. Not like Freddie’s stupid, stupid accident. I didn’t think I’d ever reconcile myself with that, no matter how long I lived.
Other memories began to flash up, happy ones: summers spent making daisy chains in the meadow behind Granny’s cottage, making the journey at dawn to the market in a van bursting with the perfume of cool fresh flowers, pinching pieces of fern – my favourite foliage of course – and other small flowers and making fairy bouquets with offcuts of ribbon from the haberdashery stall …
The sound of rustling fabric interrupted my thoughts. Maureen had moved away and was back in her own chair. She spoke soothingly, bringing our attention back to the room and after a few moments, invited us to open our eyes. Laura stretched her arms above her head and I blinked to refocus my vision.
My face was wet with tears and when I looked across at Laura, so was hers.
‘How do you feel after that?’ Maureen held out a box of tissues and we both took one.
Laura wiped her cheeks. ‘Good. Relaxed. I didn’t realise it had made me cry.’
‘And what brought on those tears?’ she probed.
Laura twisted the tissue round and round and stared down at her hands. ‘Guilt, I think.’
My heart melted for her; what could she possibly have to feel guilty about? She was good to her dad, a hard worker and a saint when it came to dealing with me.
‘You have a good heart and a great capacity for love,’ said Maureen kindly, ‘but don’t forget that you are also worthy of love. It’s fine to let others lean on you, but value yourself and remember that your happiness is just as important as theirs.’
Laura flushed and a fresh crop of tears appeared in her eyes. ‘Do you think?’
Maureen inclined her head. ‘I know.’
‘I’m probably to blame.’ I gave my friend a watery smile. ‘Laura has been my rock just recently.’
‘I can tell,’ said Maureen. She tilted her head. ‘Fearne, what was going through your mind during the healing?’
‘Oh …’ I shrugged casually, not meeting her eye. ‘Memories. Games I played with my brother. Things I used to love doing. Happy times.’
‘Would you say your life is happy now?’ she asked in a soft voice.
Her direct question put me on the back foot. I felt the familiar constricting of my throat.
‘I can’t … I don’t …’ I flicked a glance at Laura, hoping she might step in but she simply nodded encouragingly. I took a deep breath. ‘No, it isn’t.’
‘Perhaps you’ve lost sight of what makes you happy,’ she persisted.
I nodded, tears blurring my vision. My brother had lost his life and I hadn’t worked out how to fill the gap he’d left behind.
‘My advice to you is to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to find your way back to happiness. Maybe you’ve put up barriers to protect yourself but don’t be scared to connect with people and let them into your heart.’
I stared at her, unable to voice my feelings. A wave of annoyance flared in my chest: if only it was that simple. I was ready to leave now, I needed some air. I hadn’t expected to be affected as deeply by this session, but I felt totally exposed as if my skin had been peeled back and Maureen could see everything about me.
‘Thank you, that was really … useful,’ I said hurriedly, getting to my feet. I handed her back the stone I’d been holding. ‘Is that quartz?’
She didn’t take the crystal from me, she held my gaze instead. ‘You chose selenite. It’s a calm stone. It brings a deep inner peace, perfect for someone who might be grieving.’ She folded her hand over mine. ‘You keep it. A gift from me. I wish you well for the future, Fearne.’
My voice had evaporated but I managed to smile and nod my thanks.
‘And this?’ Laura held out her blue stone. The metallic flecks twinkled where they caught the light. ‘What did I choose?’
Maureen smiled knowingly. ‘Sodalite. It eliminates mental confusion and improves communication to help you verbalise your feelings. I hope it has helped?’
Laura’s eyes flicked briefly to mine. ‘I think so. I’ll certainly try.’
Maureen insisted on Laura keeping her crystal too and after clasping both of our hands and wishing us well, she sent us on our way.
Once we were out in the corridor, we headed for a squishy sofa and both collapsed onto it with relief.
‘Never again.’ I groaned, pressing the heels of my hands into my eyeballs. ‘How weird was that? So apparently I’m a misery guts and you need to work on your communication skills.’
I shoved Laura’s arm playfully, expecting her to join me in poking fun at what had just happened. But when she met my eye, her face had gone deathly pale.
‘There’s something I’ve got to tell you.’ Her voice shook. ‘Something I’ve been trying to tell you but I haven’t had the courage.’
A trickle of fear ran down my spine, a hundred awful possibilities whirring through my head.
Please don’t be ill. Please.
My mouth had gone dry. ‘What is it? Tell me?’
‘It’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing, at least …’ She swallowed as if she might be sick. ‘I hope it is. Because if you didn’t think it was, then …’