‘Oh, Nick.’
‘I’ve been finding it hard to deal with not being able to make sure the people around me are okay. That’s partly what I’ve been talking to Miranda about.’
‘And it’s partly why you called Jim Lawrence & Associates.’
‘I tried calling you to explain. I wanted to let you know I never went back to Barry, and not because you found out about things. I couldn’t have gone through with it. I think I knew that all along. It was stupid. I was stupid.’
‘You made a stupid mistake,’ she says.
‘I hurt you, and I’m so, so sorry.’ I feel my shoulders slump, and Paige reaches across and rubs my back. This small gesture almost makes me choke up.
‘It’s okay. I understand why you did it,’ she says softly.
I take a deep breath and look up at the sky. There are an unusual number of stars tonight, and for a minute or so we simply stand there, gazing up at them, each of us lost in our own thoughts.
‘You know, my dad bought Ryan a telescope for his eighth birthday. Ryan never let me touch it, and I was so envious that I saved up three months’ worth of pocket money – all of thirty-six dollars – and finally asked Dad to buy me one too. He did, and together we’d spend hours looking up at the sky on nights Dad was home with us. I haven’t thought about it in years,’ says Paige.
‘I never knew any of that.’
‘Back then, I thought I had my whole life mapped out in front of me like the night sky and its stars. But I think I’ve realised that the sky can present a completely different view of itself depending on the time you look at it and from where you look at it.’
‘I never took much of an interest in space as a kid. Zac was obsessed though. The entire ceiling in his bedroom was covered in stars. He was supposed to be the astronaut and I was meant to be the racing car driver. Funny how life turns out.’
‘Sometimes not so funny,’ she offers.
‘I told him to go lie down and wait for Mum to get home from the pharmacy. I should have called an ambulance then, not when he was passing out on the bedroom floor. I could have saved his life. But I didn’t.’
‘Nick,’ Paige says, ‘you were twelve years old. How were you supposed to know?’
‘Maybe that’s true, but regardless, I always felt like I didn’t do enough. The CPR – it didn’t work, I got it all wrong.’
‘You did what any child your age could have done. Twelve-year-old kids aren’t trained in CPR. You did the best you could. Your mum took him to see a doctor twice before that day. It wasn’t your fault. It’s time you look at this differently.’
I scrunch my eyes closed as if I don’t want to hear it. ‘I was in Singapore, Paige. I could have saved Max. I was 6,000 kilometres away, and if I was here instead, with you, then maybe I could have seen it coming. Just like—’ I stop myself.
‘Right, like you can see what’s coming now?’
I don’t respond but Paige is quick to frame my face with her hands. ‘Nick, listen to me. You are not responsible for what happened with Max. We have to move forward. You can’t continue blaming yourself for your brother’s death. And you can’t keep losing sleep over me and what’s going to happen if I get sick… if I—’
‘Stop, Paige.’
‘No,’ she says adamantly. ‘I won’t let you carry this, Nick. I will not let you take responsibility for losing me too. Please, promise me.’
‘Yes, okay,’ I whisper. ‘I want this baby too. More than you can imagine. But I don’t want you to die. I don’t know if I can do it without you. I need you, Paige.’ My voice wobbles. ‘I love you and I need you in my life.’
She slides her arms around me and squeezes. As we both stare up at the midnight-blue sky, I realise, finally, what it feels like to stand firm in a potentially life-changing decision with no more turning back. Paige’s survival and that of our baby depends on how the next several months pan out. I’ve known this all along, of course, but now the reality of it all is pressing against us both.
And while I know she’ll never admit it, at least not to me, I know that deep down she’s scared too.
Part Three
Forty-Six
Nick
Life in the aftermath of making the big decision carries on without a major hiccup for all of three days.
‘What are you doing?’ asks Paige, looking at the computer over my shoulder. She breaks a muesli bar in half and offers me a piece.
I slam the laptop shut. ‘Nothing.’ I have every intention of talking about this with Paige, but it’s only a sliver of an idea and I haven’t even had the chance to think about it properly.
‘Doesn’t look like nothing.’
‘I was looking into something, that’s all. Work-related stuff.’
Paige looks at me expectantly. I should know better than to not come out with it – and it’s not like we’ve never spoken about this before. It’s just that the timing makes it… awkward.
‘I’m working out what’s involved in case I want to move away from surgery and into teaching,’ I tell her.
‘What?’ She raises her eyebrows. ‘Wow, I wasn’t expecting you to say that. Last time we talked about it was before Max. I didn’t think this was something you really wanted to do.’
‘I’m warming to the idea.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘We need to be prepared, Paige.’
‘Isn’t this a little… I don’t know… pessimistic of you?’
‘I don’t really want to wait until it’s too late. Think about it. What if things go wrong and I’m left to care for a baby alone? Surely, in making the decision you’ve made, you’ve thought about that?’
She puts her hands over her mouth and huffs out a breath. I know this isn’t exactly an easy conversation, but it’s a necessary one.
‘Well, have you?’ I press. ‘Let me ask you something. Do you want me to put our child into day care at six weeks? Or would you prefer I hire a live-in au pair?’
‘Nick!’
‘These are the things we need to think about. These are the things we need to talk about. I’ll have absolutely no way of knowing what you want.’ Heck, I don’t even know what I would want. How can a parent be expected to plan for this kind of thing so early on in the game?
‘Not now,’ she says, like we have all the time in the world.
‘You made a decision. This is the planning that comes as part of that decision. I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s just the way it is.’
‘I knew this wasn’t going to be easy,’ she huffs.
‘No, it’s not easy. Because all we ever seem to do is argue. It’s one stupid argument after another.’ I can’t help feeling annoyed now.
‘We’re not arguing, we’re discussing something. And I’d appreciate if you’d start to include me in your plans instead of going away behind my back to “sort things out”,’ she says, making air quotes.