I look at Nick, biting into the rest of his banana, and the enormity of what I’ve asked him to do for me, for our baby, hits me like a ton of bricks. Nick will potentially be the witness to our child’s first everything. He is the one she will come to for… everything. Nick and I are bound by love, and he is going to be the glue that will keep our family, and the memory of me, together. He will be the one to explain to our daughter that the love that binds us is not always straightforward, but it is strong.
I point at the donkey Nick is still holding. ‘These toys, Nick. They’re not just toys.’
‘Oh, really? Do they come alive at night?’
‘Better.’ I pick up another one of the toys – an owl. ‘On the bottom of each of these toys I attached a little pocket – like an envelope, which you unbutton like this.’ I show him. ‘And inside are letters. To Aveline. From me.’
‘Eighteen of them?’
I nod. ‘Yes, one for every birthday until she’s eighteen.’
Nick blinks, showing me he understands.
‘They’re not perfect, but I tried my best. I think this is the best I can do.’
‘I love that they’re not perfect,’ says Nick, picking up another toy. ‘There’s something human about them being a little wonky, and the stuffing not being even, and… look, these eyes are a little lopsided, too.’ He laughs as he gives a little pig a squeeze. ‘Imperfectly made with love by your perfect mum. That’s what I’ll tell her.’
A month later, once Jordan has settled into a routine – albeit a loose one – Caitlin and Mark decide to venture to the country house with him for a quiet weekend away. Now that Jordan has arrived, she seems less uptight than usual, something I suspect has to do with the counselling she and Mark have been having since his birth. In true Caitlin fashion, she’s stocked up on self-help books so she can collate her own theories on how to make a marriage last a distance. Even Mark seems happier, more talkative and attentive than usual.
It’s Nick’s weekend off so we’ve made plans to take Ella and Ethan to the zoo.
‘Are you sure you’ll be all right with them? They can be such handfuls. I don’t want you over-exerting yourself,’ says Caitlin, momentarily resting her bag on the floor.
‘Nick’s home all weekend. Plus, Mum’s only a phone call away. I promise you, it’ll be fine,’ I reassure her. ‘Repeat after me: the children will be fine.’
Caitlin nods and repeats. ‘Fine.’
‘Yes. Absolutely fine. We even have a surgeon on standby should any emergencies arise.’
Caitlin groans. ‘You are playing into my biggest fears.’
‘Don’t worry. He’s a fantastic doctor.’
As Caitlin picks up her overnight bag, I reach out for her arm. ‘Caitlin, there’s something I need to say.’
She gives me a questioning look.
‘You’re enough. More than enough. Even if you weren’t on the PFA and were late for meetings and didn’t manage to get your nails done or your face made up before you left the house, you would still be Caitlin, my big sister – the one who has the biggest heart and the smartest comebacks, and the most reliable shoulder to rest a head on when things go wrong.’
‘Paige…’
‘What I’m trying to say is that you don’t need to try to be perfect all the time. You don’t need to hide from me or anyone else who matters in your life. You hold yourself up to these impossibly high standards but we all love you even if you don’t meet them. Understand?’
‘Yes,’ she whispers. ‘I don’t want things to fall apart.’
‘They won’t. But if they do, you’ll deal with it. The world won’t stop turning if you take a step back and relinquish a bit of control over things.’
Caitlin rubs her forehead. ‘You’re right. And maybe that’s also something Mark and I need to discuss.’
‘There’s one thing you’re wrong about though.’
‘What’s that?’
‘It’s you who has the smartest comebacks.’
I laugh. ‘Practice. Go on, get out of here,’ I say, hands on her shoulders as I steer her towards the door. Mark is already waiting in the car. ‘My husband and I would like to commence spoiling your kids in peace. We plan on breaking lots of rules.’ I smile at her cheekily.
‘Okay, well, good luck with it and let me know how it goes.’ She pauses. ‘Or not.’
Fifty-Two
Nick
We are three hours into our long day at the zoo, and both kids are reaching the point of exhaustion.
The queue for ice cream is a mile long, but a promise is a promise, and after thirty minutes, I present Ella and Ethan with two half-melted bubblegum ice-cream cones.
‘This should hopefully make them forget about the long walk back to the car.’
Paige smears a squirt of sunscreen onto Ethan’s arm, which he tries to pull away, and then hands the tube back to me. ‘Hey, do we have any more water?’
‘Yeah, check the backpack,’ I tell her. Ethan’s about to lose his ice cream. I reach out and steady his hand so he doesn’t drop it.
Paige tips the bag upside down, but no bottles fall out. ‘Looks like we’re out. Let me go grab some more.’
‘I can go,’ I offer.
‘No, it’s fine. Also need to pee.’
‘Again?’
‘Again,’ she says, rolling her eyes.
‘Okay, well, sure, I’ll wait with the kids.’
By the time Paige finally returns half an hour later, the kids are well and truly ready to go home. About five minutes before Paige got back, Ella decided to climb a tree, tripped on a stump and cut her knee. She’s now crying uncontrollably.
‘Hi, Nurse Paige, this is Ella – 101 years old, funny little laugh, freckles, pet giraffe called Harvey. She’s had a fall and grazed her knee but it looks like she should be able to keep her leg if everything goes smoothly.’
‘Got it,’ says Paige, rummaging through her handbag for a wipe.
I fake-cough into my fist. ‘We are also going to need Harvey.’
‘Yes, course,’ she says, breathlessly, turning to the backpack.
‘Afternoon, Harvey!’ I say, holding up the worn-out giraffe that Paige and I gave to Ella when she was born. She still takes it everywhere.
Ella giggles.
‘How’s your friend Ella feeling today?’
‘Good,’ replies Ella, sitting up straighter.
‘Mind if I check her knee out?’
Ella shakes her head.
‘Okay, this won’t take a second.’ I clean up Ella’s knee and then say, ‘Harvey, I hereby declare Ella ready to get up.’ I turn to Paige. ‘Crisis averted.’
She returns a half-hearted smile.
‘What is it? What’s wrong?’
‘Hey, Ethan, let’s go see those real giraffes on the way back to the car,’ says Paige suddenly. Ethan extends a pudgy hand, which she takes hold of.
‘But we still need to see the—’