I am praying every moment of every day that you’ll know the joy of having a daughter to pass these items onto. I am praying that she might know first-hand what it is like to be loved by you. But if things don’t go the way we want them to for our family, I want you to know that I will make it my job to ensure she knows how much you loved her and how brave you were to sacrifice everything, including your own life, for her.
I am so proud of you, Paige. You make my heart burst with love every time you walk into the room. You always have, and you always will.
Your loving mother,
Evelyn
I fold the note. ‘Mum…’
Mum simply nods and holds her arms open for me to fall into them. We stay there like this, swaying ever so gently, Mum pressing her lips against my head and patting my back.
‘I love you, Mum. So much,’ I muster.
‘I know… I know… I know you do,’ she whispers back. ‘You don’t even need to say it.’
I close my eyes and press my ear against her chest, listening to her beating heart. I don’t want to leave the comfort of her embrace. I could listen to her heart beating like this forever.
Fifty-Four
Nick
The phone rings at 4 a.m., with a call letting me know I’m needed at the hospital for an emergency. Paige is sprawled across the bed, fast asleep. I roll onto my side and stroke her face, thinking about how lucky I am to have her in my life, and I know this is something I will never, ever take for granted for as long as I live. The feeling of wanting to stay here – with her – to miss a day of work, is foreign to me, but I have to go; someone’s child needs me.
Before I go, I search the study drawer for the Post-it notes I haven’t written on in a long time.
Didn’t want to wake you. You’re beautiful when you’re sleeping. Call me when you get up. Nick x
It’s almost lunchtime by the time I realise that Paige hasn’t called me. I try calling her during a short break, but she doesn’t answer. An hour later, I try again to no avail. It’s then that I remember that Piper has an appointment with the vet today, but I can’t recall whether Paige said it was before or after lunch. Either way, I can’t help thinking something is off. I call Evelyn and leave a voicemail for her to check on Paige as soon as she can.
I’m prepping for surgery when I’m interrupted for an urgent call late that afternoon.
‘Paige, it’s me. They said it’s urgent.’
‘There’s a hammering in my chest that isn’t stopping.’
‘Did you just climb the stairs? Or have you been resting?’
‘Resting. I slept in until midday. I’m tired, so tired. And when I lie on my back, it’s hard to breathe.’
The blood drains from my face.
I turn to Kerry, one of the nurses, and let her know I won’t be able to perform the surgery. I keep talking to Paige while I go back for my keys, taking her through the checklist Victoria gave her. This doesn’t sound good.
‘I don’t know if it’s anxiety or something else, but it feels like there isn’t enough air, Nick. How far off are you?’
‘Too far. I want you to get off the phone and call an ambulance. Get yourself ready, call your parents, and tell them to come straight to the hospital. I’ll meet you there.’
The lift doors seem to be taking forever to open.
‘Tell me on a scale of one to ten,’ she presses. ‘The likelihood that they’ll be wanting to deliver the baby today.’
She’s almost thirty-two weeks, which means Aveline will be born moderately pre-term. And there is every chance she will be delivering her today.
‘Paige, I need you to get off the phone now. We’ll talk about it when I get there.’
‘I need to know, Nick. If they don’t send me home today, I need some time to let people know… I haven’t said goodbye yet…’
‘I’ll see what I can do. I’ll call them for you.’
The lift doors finally open and I step inside. Which level did I park on this morning?
‘This is it? Is this it?’ She sounds panicked now. ‘My hospital bag isn’t packed yet. I’m not ready, Nick.’
The lift doors close, and my call is going to cut out any moment. ‘Just stay calm and forget about the hospital bag. I’ll be there as soon as I can.’ And then… ‘Paige?’
‘Yes?’
‘I love you. I love you more than anything in the world.’
Fifty-Five
Paige
The paramedics arrive before I get the chance to call everyone. They have just closed the doors to the ambulance when we hear a frantic knocking on the side of the vehicle.
‘Wait!’
The female paramedic opens the door and looks at me for an answer.
‘Dad,’ I say. ‘It’s my dad.’
He’s puffed out, perspiration running down his face.
‘I came as soon as I could. Mum called me and I was only a street away helping Ted with his front landscaping.’ He shakes his head. ‘Never mind. I just wanted to see you before…’
‘Would you like to ride with her?’ she asks.
Dad looks at me for an answer.
I manage a thumbs up, and Dad clambers in. He leans in for an awkward hug.
Just as the paramedic closes the doors again, Mum turns up in her car and toots. She rushes out of the car and runs towards the ambulance.
‘We really need to get you to hospital,’ says Holley.
‘Evelyn, swap places with me, darling,’ says Dad.
‘No, it’s fine. I’ll meet you both there. I wanted to see her…’ She mouths a quick, I love you.
I lift a hand to wave goodbye as the doors finally close. As we pull away I picture Mum waving back until we turn onto the road. It reminds me of how she would sometimes let us say goodbye to Dad at the airport. The four of us would wave at the sky, watching his plane disappear behind the clouds. And every single day he was away, we would ask Mum how long it would be until we would see him again. This cannot be it. It simply cannot be the last time I see my mother.
Nick is there, waiting in emergency with Dr Sanders and Victoria when I arrive. But there’s also Caitlin and Mark, and Hope and Paul. Someone’s also called Viv because she’s there with Frank in a wheelchair. They’re all there, huddled together watching, and the only thing I can do is wave. I don’t know if I will ever see them again.
Mum arrives as I’m being rushed into a cubicle. ‘Darling, Paige. I’m here. I’ll be out here waiting for you, okay?’ She leans in and kisses me, the moisture from her tears brushing my cheeks. She lets go of my hand and walks away, and then the doctors, nurses, they’re suddenly all around me. Memories of Max swoop into my mind, but this is different. It is calmer. Quieter. I feel Aveline moving. I keep my hands on my belly and tell her to hold on. To be strong. To be brave. To be okay without me. There are medical professionals buzzing around, but it’s like everything is in slow motion. They’re helping me into a gown, giving me an echo, hooking me up to monitors, drawing blood, and yet it feels like I’m not inhabiting my own body. Nick is beside me, holding my hand the entire time, watching intently as my dilated heart determines what will happen next.