Sandor grunted. “She’s being selfish as fuck,” he muttered.
“Don’t.” I gave him a look. He was my boss but not when it came to Solange. “I know you don’t want me to leave, and I don’t either, but I had to make a choice and I chose her. I’m sorry it leaves you guys in a lurch, but I can probably convince her to stay until the first of the year if it comes down to it.”
“Once she gets back to Hiskale, I’ll talk to her,” Xander said. “Now that you guys are back together, she might be open to talking about things.”
I grimaced. “Not based on the vibe I got last night.”
43
Solange
The weeks between Axel and me getting back together and my moving back to Hiskale had been difficult and not at all the way I’d envisioned things going. He was busier than ever, and though we spoke often and he was always sweet and attentive, I sensed a sadness in him I’d never felt before. Instead of the romance and excitement I’d been expecting, there was mostly guilt. Guilt that we were leaving my parents. Guilt that I was making Axel leave a job he loved. And mostly, guilt that I was coming between Axel and his friends.
It wasn’t intentional, and I certainly hadn’t asked him to resign from the Protectors, but every time I thought about going to the palace, I got nauseated and there was no way for him to remain a Royal Protector with me feeling that way. Which left me wallowing in guilt, torn between my hurt feelings and the feelings of the man I loved more than anything.
I mentioned it to my mother as she helped me unpack in my room.
“Of course you feel guilty,” she said, scowling at me. “Look at what you’re doing to him, turning his life upside down.”
I sighed. She’d gone from not wanting me to be with him to being his biggest fan. My father too. Apparently, they’d all become buddies while Axel had worked on his plan to win me back. That irked me too, and I had a feeling I needed to deal with some of these issues.
“I never asked him to do any of it,” I protested, leaning against the dresser.
“Solange.” She turned to me, laundry basket in her hands. “He made a mistake and he knew it. He had to find a way to win you back and the only way to do that would be to show you how much you mean to him. In love, everyone makes sacrifices for the other person, but in this case, I think you ask too much.”
“I didn’t ask!” I said in frustration. “He did this on his own.”
“You refuse to move in with him at the palace, you want nothing to do with your friends there and—”
“They’re not my friends,” I said tightly.
She shook her head at me. “You’re going to wind up losing him because you can’t find it in your heart to forgive. If you forgave Axel, why can’t you forgive the others? You don’t have to answer me, but you should think about it.” She huffed out of the room and I sank down on the bed in frustration.
She was probably right but I couldn’t help it. I was so hurt by all of it. Still. Maybe I was being stubborn. Maybe it was the lingering guilt that I was the reason Logan was dead and being around his friends at the palace would be a constant reminder of that.
My heart hurt every time I thought of Logan, even now. And poor Natalia, who’d been in love with him. I couldn’t imagine this happening to Axel and tears burned my eyes as I thought about that possibility.
“Solange.” My father knocked on the door. “You have a visitor.”
I looked up warily. “Who is it?”
“Come.” He disappeared down the hall and I got to my feet. It was probably Xander, coming to try to talk me into visiting the palace, promising me that everyone wanted to see me. That they missed me.
I just didn’t think I could do it.
I walked down the hall and froze. Sitting on the couch, with a baby in his lap, and laughing with my mother, was King Erik. I glanced toward the front door and saw Xander standing there, obviously sent to protect him while he was out of the palace.
Good grief, the king was in the house. And undoubtedly here to see me.
“Your Majesty.” I approached him stiffly, unsure how to behave after everything that had happened.
He arched a brow. “Really? We’re back to formalities? It’s just Erik, okay?”
I nodded. “What, um, are you doing here?”
“I came to talk to you,” he said, bouncing Levi on his knee.
My mother couldn’t help herself and scooped the baby up, nuzzling his tummy until he laughed. Erik smiled up at her, shaking his head. “Because he’s not spoiled enough.”
She shrugged. “It’s a woman thing. I couldn’t not touch him.”
“I understand.” He got to his feet. “Will you take a walk with me, Solange?”
I frowned. “Outside?”
“It’s okay. No one knows I’m here and Xander will be with us.”
I had no choice so I nodded. “Of course.”
We walked out back to the garden. It was a sunny day, despite the chilly weather, but I barely felt it, I was so nervous.
“First I’d like to apologize,” he said. “Although we have strict protocols when it comes to the safety of the royal family, you’d become part of our family and Sandor did what he’s supposed to do—eliminate the threat. Any threat, big or small. I won’t apologize for that, but I do apologize for not being more transparent, for not telling you we were looking into it, that you weren’t condemned, that you were going to get every opportunity to prove your innocence. While we needed to remove you from the palace because I will never risk my family members’ lives, an investigation started immediately and we should have taken the time to talk to you about it all.”
“Yes,” I said quietly. “You should have. Well, maybe not you personally, but someone.”
“You’re right. It was a mistake on all of our parts, but this has never happened before, and I won’t lie by pretending that Logan’s death didn’t hit us hard. It sent us into a bit of a tailspin, and every time I look into one of my children’s faces, I’m terrified something is going to happen to them. There have been three formal attempts on my life. An attempt on Elen’s. Someone tried to kidnap Luke last year. The threats are constant and very real. I don’t know if you can understand how terrifying it is to know that the people you love are in danger every minute of every day simply by virtue of being your family, but it’s hard, Solange. So I’m asking for a little leeway in the forgiveness department, because I spend all day, every day, worrying about my family. And it’s Sandor’s job to minimize those threats in any way possible.”
“I know.” My throat felt a little funny, making it hard to talk. Hell, it was hard to breathe as his reality sunk in. I’d known it intellectually, but I’d never thought about it from his perspective before. He was a king, invulnerable in my mind, but apparently not.
“I know you’re hurt and angry at all of us. I get it. I do. If I weren’t in this position, I would feel exactly like you do. But you have to know, even if you haven’t lived it, that a man like me has to live by a different set of rules. That’s the only way I can lead our people and do the things I want to do to make all of our lives better. King Anwar left me a mess that I’ve been trying to clean up for the last year and a half or so, and there are still factions that want to stop me.”