“You probably have one of the most difficult jobs in the world,” I said after a moment. “And I respect you and what you do so much. I truly do. It’s just that being accused of treason was horrifying and humiliating enough, and then it was like you all turned your backs on me…”
“I know.”
We sat down on one of the small benches, Xander hovering about twenty meters away.
“I don’t know what else I can say or do to make you understand that it wasn’t personal, that we would have treated anyone in that situation exactly the same way—except someone would have taken the time to explain it. That was a mistake on Sandor’s and my part, and it won’t happen again.”
“The problem isn’t just me forgiving all of you,” I said, dipping my head to hide the emotion washing over me.
“Then what is it?” he asked.
“What about all of you forgiving me?”
I looked up, fighting off the tears that had been threatening since he’d arrived.
“Forgive you?” He frowned. “For…” His voice trailed off and he reached out to take one of my hands between both of his. “Oh, sweetheart, it’s not your fault Logan died. Is that what this has been about? You thinking that we blame you? That Logan died because of you?”
To my horror, I burst into tears.
And then the King of Limaj wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. “Solange, it wasn’t your fault. Those men were after you because they were desperate to keep Kostya as their spy. And because my children will be attending that school, Logan was there to protect both the information in those computers and you. That was his job. That’s the oath he took. It was never, in any way, your fault.”
“But Natalia…” I cried harder, my tears soaking his shirt.
“Natalia had just lost the man she loved… She now knows it’s not your fault, that you’ve been exonerated. Don’t cry. No one is angry with you, no one blames you.”
“I blame me!” I whispered, trying to catch my breath. I was overwhelmed with emotion and letting it out in front of our king was somehow cathartic. As if he understood in ways no one else could. “I sat there on the floor, and even while he was bleeding to death, he put his body in front of mine like a human shield and I just…let him!”
“That was his job.” He slowly lifted my chin. “That’s what he took an oath to do. Don’t you see? You were one of us—part of the extended royal family—and he died protecting you because he accepted you as one of us. That’s what we do for each other. All of my men would die for me, but I promise you, I’ll die before I let anyone touch my wife or my children.”
I buried my face in my hands and cried some more, my shoulders shaking as I let out more than a month of pent-up guilt, fear and embarrassment.
“Here.” Xander came over holding out a tissue and I took it gratefully.
“Thanks.” I managed a tearful smile.
“Do you think your mother will give me my son back?” Erik asked with a smile. “Or will I have to call the Protectors in to get him?”
“I think she’ll be okay once I remind her there will eventually be grandbabies in her future. Not right away, but soon, I think.”
“I’d prefer if we took this back inside,” Xander said. “No danger that I know of, but you’re out in the open here.”
“I think we’re done,” Erik said, getting to his feet.
I rode back to the palace with Erik, Xander and Joe, who was driving. I needed to talk to Axel right away, but made Erik and Xander promise not to tell him I was coming. I wanted to surprise him and explain everything that had been going on with me, beyond our getting back together. As much as he’d hurt me, I owed him an apology too.
“Let me find out where Axel is,” Xander told me after Erik had said good night and told me he’d see me soon. Xander typed something into his phone and then looked up at me. “He’s in the surveillance room. He’s on duty until midnight.”
I smiled. “I’m going down to the gardens, where the fountains are. If he’s watching surveillance, he’ll see me there and come to me…assuming you’ll take over for him for a little while so we can talk?”
He nodded. “Of course.” He went one way and I went the other, taking a familiar route outside. I nodded at one of the night guards, who smiled and waved, and I walked out to the fountain. It was chillier now that it was getting dark, but I didn’t mind. It was nothing like winter in Vinake, and my light sweater was enough to cut the chill.
I sank onto the edge of the fountain, looking around fondly. I loved it here in the garden and had gotten used to coming here for walks when I had free time. I hadn’t lived here long, but in my heart it felt like a lifetime. Of romance with Axel. Of friendship, particularly with Shannon and Xander. Of starting a new career and learning so much from Jonas.
“Hey, babe.” Axel’s voice made me smile and I simply reached out a hand to him. He took it and let me pull him down beside me. “Whatcha doin’?” he asked softly, wrapping an arm around me.
“Thinking.”
“Out here by the fountain?”
“You know me. This is where I come to think.”
“You want to talk about whatever it is?”
“Yes.” I turned to him. “I owe you an apology.”
“What?” He looked confused. “Honey, I don’t think—”
“No, listen.” I still had my fingers laced with his. “When Logan was killed and everything happened, I felt betrayed and humiliated, so that was what I focused on. I took it out on you and everyone else, because I didn’t want to face my part in it.”
“Your part?”
“The guilt I felt because it was my fault that Logan died.”
“Oh, baby, no—”
I put a finger over his lips. “Please, let me finish.”
He nodded.
“Erik and I had a long talk today and now I realize that I channeled my grief about what happened to Logan into hurt and betrayal. He died protecting me, and yes, he would have protected the school and computers even if I hadn’t been there, but he wouldn’t have been there that late at night if it hadn’t been for me. I know it was his job, but it was that same feeling of helplessness I had at the café and it hurt. So I turned my back on all of you, as if that would somehow make my grief and guilt go away.”
“Oh, honey.” He leaned over to lightly kiss me. “Grief is normal, and you were in no way prepared to be in the middle of a shootout. You were brave. I know you don’t think so, but you were. Opening the door so he could get in, and then when he couldn’t make it, you ran out there and dragged him… That was brave as fuck. Going forward, I’ll teach you to shoot, the basics of self-defense, so you can learn how to protect yourself. Maybe not on my level, but on a level that keeps you from feeling helpless. And you have nothing to apologize for. Nothing.”
“Don’t they hate me?” I whispered, falling against him. “I mean, he would still be alive if I hadn’t worked late that night.”
“No.” He forced me to look at him, his eyes boring into mine. “No one hates you. They thought you might be a traitor when everything first happened, but that’s a separate issue. Once we got to the truth, everyone felt awful. Shannon and Ace had their first fight because of you. He wouldn’t let her call you and she was pissed.”