“I’m sorry,” he said behind her, not touching her.
She turned to him, a tear running down her face, and searched his eyes. She didn’t want to make him feel bad for what she’d done. “No. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing. I lost control, and I…”
“Don’t apologize. I understand. This is hard for you. It’s hard for me too. I don’t know how I feel about everything with my brother. I won’t lie, River. I want you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But my brother… I love him. And this is all just very confusing.”
A flood of guilt hit her. She was getting between the brothers, and that was the last thing she wanted. “Maybe we should all just stop.” She shook her head and turned away, unable to look at him.
“I don’t want to stop seeing you.”
“But I’m damaged beyond repair. I don’t want to be a wedge between you and your brother. I would never forgive myself for that.”
“Let us worry about that, River. You need to focus on yourself.
“I don’t know how I can possibly do that. Both of you are my mates, and I have feelings for both of you. This is the most confusing thing that has ever happened in my life. And while I don’t want to hurt you or drive you apart, I don’t think that I can just walk away either.”
Her heart was pounding. She looked at the ground as she spoke. It was too hard to meet his eyes. He tentatively touched her again, placing his hand on her forearm. Finally, she turned to look at him.
“We’ll find a way,” he said. “I promise you. We are all in this together. Whoever you choose, I will be okay with it. And as much is it may hurt, and as hard as it may be, I vow that I’ll find a way to maintain my relationship with my brother. I could never be the reason that you missed out on your happily ever after. Even if that meant that it wasn’t with me.”
River could hear the emotion in his voice, and it hurt like a knife to the heart because she could tell how hard it was for him to say it and how honest he was too. She wasn’t going to make his sacrifice go on unacknowledged or be for nothing. She nodded and squeezed his hand. “Thank you. All we can do is try. There is no other option.”
“I’ll support whatever decision you make, River. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“Thank you, Cash.” She rose up on her tiptoes to give him a soft kiss on the lips.
They walked back to the gazebo without saying another word. The emotion was thick between them. She had not been expecting to feel so touched by Cash that day. It all came as quite a shock.
As he dropped her off at the bunkhouse, she leaned in and gave him another small kiss on the lips. He said goodbye in a low voice and assured her that he was there for her no matter what she needed. She entered her room and greeted Boo, who was sleeping on his dog bed. She considered what had transpired. Cash was arguably a good man who was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for hers. She didn’t want him to go his whole life without a mate, but knowing that he would support whatever decision she made without hostility or anger gave her a sense of hope. It made her feel safe and secure.
She could do this. She could make it work with one of them. How it would all come together, she had no idea. But after her date with Cash, she had the sense that it would all be okay. She just had to have as much faith in Cash and Cal as they had in her.
She picked up her phone and called her grandma. She needed to talk to someone, and her grandparents had always been there for her.
“River, it’s so good to hear your voice,” her grandmother said when she picked up the phone.
“It’s good to hear you, too, Grandma.”
“What is the matter, child?”
“Oh, it’s nothing.”
“I can hear it in your voice. What’s bothering you?”
River took a deep breath and let it out, searching her mind for what to tell her grandmother. “I was matched with my fated mate.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful, darling. Congratulations. How do you feel? You need anything? I know it must be startling for you after everything you’ve been through.”
“It is, Granny. But what’s even more startling is that there are two of them. They’re twins. And they own Wilde Ranch along with their other brothers.” River paced the room, one arm tucked around her stomach as she held the phone with the other.
“Oh, that is confusing.”
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel,” River said.
“Have you talked to either of them about it?”
“I’ve been out on a date with each of them. We agreed that I could choose whichever one I wanted.
“I’m sorry this is happening, hon. Do you feel ready for a mate at all?”
“Not really,” River said. “And I can’t imagine coming between them. Part of me just wants to slam on the brakes and call it all off or run back home. But the other part of me…” She sighed.
“The other part is you can’t imagine living without them,” her grandmother finished.
“Exactly.”
“You will make the right decision.”
“I feel like there is no right decision.”
“Listen to your heart,” her grandmother said. “And listen to your inner shifter. I know that you had a hard time being in touch with that part of yourself after the compound. But what I can tell you from my own experience is that my inner beast—while it is a different voice in my head than my human conscience—has never led me astray. There is a kind of understanding that comes from the inner beast that the human mind can never give you. For humans, it’s what they call their gut. For shifters, it’s a thousand times stronger. And it will never lead you astray if you know how to incorporate it with your rational mind.”
River thought about this. What her grandmother was saying made a lot of sense, and she understood how that part of her was important and that it had a great deal to show her and teach her. But at the same time, it was the part of her that just wanted to jump in and be with the twins, repercussions be damned. And the part of her that had been damaged and broken didn’t know who she was. She couldn’t just allow for the inner beast to take over and dictate what she did. She didn’t feel like she could trust it or herself, and it was tearing her apart.
“Thank you for everything, Grandma.”
“I’m always here for you, River,” her grandmother said.
“I know you are, Granny. I know you are.”
After River hung up, she whistled for Boo and started down the stairs. The other interns waved from the kitchen, where they were eating a late lunch. She waved back. She liked all of them, but at the moment, she really needed to be alone with her dog. She started off down the road, walking in the shade of the tall evergreens. She listened to the voice of her inner beast as it danced on the wind, and she felt for the first time in her life that she could find a way to be whole again.
10
Cal watched Cash walk in the door after his date. He felt a flush of anger. Now he knew how Cash had felt when he’d gone out with River. It wasn’t a pleasant experience.
“How was it?” Cal asked, feigning passive interest. Inside, he was seething.