The memory made his mouth go dry.
That’s when he knew it. She didn’t have to open her mouth for him to know what she was going to say. He could read every word on her beautiful face. It was like watching a bullet careening in slow motion toward its mark. He knew it was going to hit, but the waiting was agony.
“Don’t say it,” he said, his voice full of gravel.
Her eyes met his, and he saw nothing there. Just a blankness that made his stomach turn. “Tanner, I—” She swallowed hard. “We both know this was a mistake.”
“No it wasn’t. It isn’t, Van.” He wrapped his arms around her tighter. She felt so slight, almost as if she wasn’t there.
“I can’t do this. Not to you. All these people, they support you, they support the drive-in. If you lose a single customer because of me… I couldn’t stand it.”
“Look at me,” he demanded, tipping her chin until her gaze met his. “I don’t give a shit about this place. I opened it for you. Everything’s about you, Van. All of this. My whole damn life.”
Tears streamed down her face. “Then do me the honor of letting me go. I’m no good, Tanner. It’s in my blood. I’ll never be able to walk down the street without people talking about me. I won’t be able to go to Chairs without hearing murmurs everywhere I turn. And I’m used to it. I almost expect it. But I don’t want that for you. You deserve so much better.”
“So what are you saying?” He could feel his heart hammering against his ribcage. “That you’re throwing us away for my own good?” His voice rose up. “Again?”
“You heard what Nora said. I’m trash, just like my mom.”
He had to lean forward to hear her, her voice was so faint. It killed him to hear her talking like this. But there was something else happening, too. It was like his skin was slowly closing up, as thick as leather to protect him from her.
From the aching pain caused by every word she uttered.
There was a tap at the door. They both turned to look as it slowly opened. Becca was standing there, shifting from foot to foot as a blush stole its way across her cheeks. “Um, Zoe’s asking about your mom. Logan’s taken Kim home, so I thought I’d take Zoe. I’ll stay with her, of course, until you get home.”
“No. I’ll go with her,” Van said tightly, nodding at Becca. “Can you tell her I’ll be down in a minute?”
Becca glanced from Van to Tanner. “Sure. Is everything okay?”
“It’s fine,” Tanner lied. “Thanks for taking care of Zoe.”
“Of course.” She gave them a brief smile, then pulled the door shut, her footsteps fading as they heard her descend the steps.
“I need to go,” Van said, pulling out of Tanner’s arms. She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand, leaving a smear of mascara beneath them, then grabbed her purse.
“I could come with you.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I meant what I said. This –us– isn’t a good idea.”
“So that’s it?” His voice rose up. “We’re over, just like that.”
She pressed her lips together, looking down at the floor. “It’s better this way.” Her voice was devoid of emotion.
A red hot flash of fury rushed through him, curling through his stomach and burning his muscles. She really was doing this. Messing it all up again. He looked away, trying to swallow down the anger, but it rose up regardless.
She went to walk past him, but he refused to budge, his eyes narrowing as he stared down at her.
“Your walking away and saying it’s for my sake? That’s bullshit. It’s not about me. It’s about you. You’re scared of putting yourself out there. So frightened about what people think that you’d rather lose the good things in life than let yourself be put under scrutiny. So if you want to walk away, do it. But just so you know, I’ll never stop loving you.” And the thought of that almost broke him. “You might be scared,” he told her, his voice raised even louder. “But I’m not. And I’m not afraid to tell you that you’re breaking my goddamn heart right now.”
Her fingers curled around the doorknob, her eyes full of tears as she looked back at him. “I’m sorry.”
Then she was gone, and he was ready to collapse. He steadied himself on the desk because he was afraid that without it he might fall.
He’d lost her once, ten years ago, and he hadn’t known pain like it. But this was worse, so much worse. Because this time he had no idea how they’d ever come back from this.
Chapter Thirty
“Is Mom okay?” Zoe whispered. Van had found her waiting with Becca at the bottom of the office steps. As soon as she saw her, Van hugged her tightly, her legs still shaking from her confrontation with Tanner.
“She’ll be fine once she sleeps it off. She always is.”
Zoe looked up, her face masked with worry. “Do you think there’s something wrong with her?”
Nothing a month in rehab couldn’t fix. Van bit down that thought, because she knew it was cruel. Even though everything felt cruel right now, somehow she had to keep it together for Zoe. “She had a bad day. With the letter she got this morning, then seeing that man.”
“Mr. Fairfax?”
“Yeah, him. I think it sent her a little over the edge. But she’ll be okay, kiddo. She has us.”
“Is Mr. Fairfax really your dad?” Zoe asked as they walked to Becca’s car. She’d offered to drive them home, and Van had gratefully accepted. The way her hands were trembling she wasn’t sure she’d be able to hold the wheel of her own car. Becca promised that one of them would drop it off and put the keys through her door in the morning.
Becca unlocked her car and let them climb inside. It felt weird to hear who her dad was, because neither one of them had ever known. The thought that Johnny might be hers made Van’s stomach lurch.
“I don’t know,” Van told her. “And buckle up.”
“I am.” Zoe took a deep breath. “Is he my dad, too?”
“No sweetheart.” Van squeezed her hand. “He’s not.” Zoe’s dad was one of a few guys her mom had been seeing the summer Van was eighteen. Luckily none of them were Johnny Fairfax. Like Van, Zoe had just accepted the fact she didn’t have a father. Van hoped this didn’t shake her up too much.
She’d worry about that later. Once she’d worked out how to clear up this mess.
Becca turned to smile at them both. “I’ll have you home in a couple of minutes.”
“Thank you,” Van mouthed. She needed to get out of here. Away from the scrutiny of the crowd, and the loud vibration of the screen.
And Tanner. Oh god, Tanner.
She couldn’t think about him. Not if she wanted to stay sane. She needed to get home, and make sure her mom was okay. Only then would she let herself wallow.
In her bed. All alone. Without him.
Where she deserved to be.
The road into Hartson’s Creek was empty. Nearly all of the townspeople were at the drive-in, no doubt with only one eye on the screen as they gossiped about her mom’s revelation. Zoe slid her hand into Van’s, her fingers squeezing tightly, and Van squeezed back.