The first ten minutes passed in silence and he shot me a couple of apprehensive glances. As well he might. I was still mentally rehearsing and in no hurry. After all, we had three hours to kill
‘Warm enough?’ asked Ash, fiddling with the heater. ‘You can turn on the heated seat if you get cold.’
‘No, I’m fine.’ I adjusted my sunglasses; it was another bright spring morning. ‘The idea of toying with him, like a cat with a mouse, rather appealed. Let him stew a while.
We lapsed into silence which lasted until we hit the A1M. It was no good; I couldn’t sit on it.
‘So, Ashwin Laghari, what happened?’
He sighed and shot me a wary glance. ‘I owe you an apology.’
‘What, and you’ve only just realised that now?’ I snapped, pissed off at his attitude. ‘You owe me a hell of a lot more than that. One minute it’s all fun frolics and flirty texts. The next a resounding silence. Classy.’
He winced, his hands gripping the steering wheel. ‘You’re right. It wasn’t. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.’
‘Are you always that much of a bastard?’ I enjoyed tossing the words at him, finally releasing the pent-up frustration and anger from the weeks during which I’d checked my texts and agonised over why he had gone quiet on me while cursing over what a fool I’d made of myself.
His jaw clenched.
Good. Before he could say anything, I carried on. ‘I’ll give you one thing; you’re one hell of an actor.’ I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I’d believed there was a real spark between us. ‘Took me right in. Is that a regular thing you do? Or do you keep it for chance encounters on the train?’
His eyes stayed glued to the road ahead but I could see him swallowing.
‘Would you believe me if I said it wasn’t an act? That night was—’
‘Whatever it was, you had a very short memory.’
‘I lost my job.’ The quiet admission stopped me in my tracks. ‘On the Monday. It was totally out of the blue.’
‘And what? It robbed you of your ability to text or pick up the phone? You could have at least said something had come up. It still would have been crap but not half as crap as just not bothering.’
I studied his grim profile, the locked jaw, and the steady gaze at the road ahead. I’d wondered why he wasn’t working but had assumed he was between jobs, on gardening leave – the usual run of events with high flyers – and like me had just temporarily lost his sense of purpose. Now I’d voiced some of my anger, I felt a touch of sympathy.
‘You’re right but it…’ There was another long pause. ‘How did you feel when you were signed off with stress?’
‘What?’
‘How did you feel? What went wrong?’
‘I’m not ashamed of it,’ I snapped, feeling wrong-footed. This was supposed to be about him. I kept my eyes fixed on one of the blue motorway signs announcing the next junction.
‘Yes, you are.’
He was right. I was deeply ashamed. Everyone at work must know by now. I probably wouldn’t be able to get a job anywhere else and at work they’d be constantly watching me. Could I be trusted with important work and decisions in the future? Would I crack again? Would everyone be watching for signs of weakness? I wouldn’t be the golden girl any more. The person people went to for a second opinion, the one they deferred to in strategy and planning meetings. Would anyone respect me anymore? I’d lost who I was – cool, calm-under-pressure Claire. There was no chance of making partner now if I couldn’t handle a bit of extra work.
‘People like me aren’t supposed to get stress.’
‘I know,’ said Ash quietly and I shot him a startled but appreciative glance. I preferred honesty to platitudes. ‘But you did… because you’re human. It’s the body’s way of saying, stop, slow down. Yes, everyone will know at work. You can’t escape that, but you can own it, be honest about it, accept it, and work out how you’ll do things differently from now on. People will respect that far more than if you try and pretend it didn’t happen or treat it like it’s a big secret. And isn’t that how you normally conduct yourself at work? Successful managers don’t shy away from difficult decisions; they own up to mistakes and put them right; they tackle difficult issues; they’re honest with their colleagues. That’s how you earn respect. Don’t hide from this Claire, learn from it.’
‘I never thought it would happen to me,’ I said quietly, but gosh, he was right. What he’d said was exactly what I would have advised to someone else in the same position when I was being clear sighted and thinking straight… and I hated hearing it from him of all people.
‘At least you’ve not been fired.’
‘What happened?’ I asked.
‘I was sacked. Although they called it redundancy.’ His voice was bitter. ‘And now I can’t get another job. No one wants someone who’s been sacked.’
‘Redundancy is very different from being sacked,’ I pointed out, still annoyed that he’d made me talk about my stress. ‘Haven’t you been offered outplacement services? Most decent companies provide them as part of the redundancy package.’
‘Unfortunately, it turned out I didn’t work for a decent company, which is why I was “made redundant”.’ With one hand he signified the speech marks around the words. ‘Turns out, doing the right thing is the wrong thing.’
‘You’re talking in riddles. What did you do?’ Irritated, I shifted in my seat, crossing my legs in the footwell.
He let out a mirthless laugh. ‘You really want to know?’
‘Yes.’
‘There was a case going through the courts. A colleague of mine, Marine Barnier. She took the company to tribunal over unequal pay. She was paid £30k less than other colleagues who were all men. I was one of them. Her bonuses were also a fraction of ours.’
‘Ouch. That’s terrible and it shouldn’t be allowed to happen.’
‘Yeah. I liked her. Smart, tough cookie who deserved better. I said I’d back her when she said she was going to HR. I thought it would be a quick, easy win. Never dreamed it would go to tribunal. Even though they didn’t have a leg to stand on, the company dug its heels in. Wouldn’t play ball, so she had to go the whole hog.’ He paused and pulled a face. ‘I was called as a witness. All I had to do was describe the job I did. Which I did, under oath. I would have done it either way but I should have realised it was career suicide. My own dumb arrogance. I thought I was a valuable asset. Clearly not.’
‘But the company can’t get rid of you because of that.’
‘Technically, legally, morally, no… but the day after Marine won the case, there was a reorganisation. Next day, I was made redundant.’
‘But they can’t do that. They have to give you notice that your job is at risk and go through due process. There are procedures and policies that they have to follow.’
‘Not if you want a decent pay off and a reference. Basically, if I accepted the terms – a massive bribe, if you will – I had to walk that day.’
‘That’s so shitty.’ Although it still didn’t excuse him not texting.