Is she scared? Because I’m fucking terrified. The doctor presses something that looks like a wide microphone against Lucy’s belly. My entire body locks. That looks like it could be hurting her. The doc doesn’t look away from the screen. He doesn’t speak for long moments, and the silence stretches on for longer than feels necessary.
“What’s wrong?” her voice cracks as she asks the question. The fear is evident. The broken sound unglues my feet from the floor, and I’m by her side in just a few strides. Without thought, I grab her hand and give a squeeze, trying to tell her everything is going to be alright.
“Everything looks absolutely perfect in there,” the doctor finally speaks, seemingly unaware of the scare he’s just given us.
“Mom and Dad, say hello to your baby.” He shifts the screen toward us. The grainy image on the screen means nothing to me, but I feel the way Lucy tenses. Her long nails dig into my flesh.
“Oh my god. It's really a baby.” She breathes.
“It sure is.” The doctor chuckles. “There are it’s legs, and along here is the spine. And that’s the head right there.”
I see it. The shape still looks like a little bean, but there’s no mistaking the tiny arms and legs. The outline of a face. My baby has a face.
It’s my turn to tense, squeezing Lucy’s hand hard.
“And that right there is a healthy, strong heartbeat,” Dr. Brookes says, and my eyes move to the flickering blip on the screen. A barrage of emotions hit me all at once.
There’s a god honest baby growing inside Lucy right now, and it was me who put it there. The indifference I had up until now fades and is replaced with an undeniable swell of what I can only describe as love. I’m going to be someone’s dad. The earth tilts under my feet at the realization.
Dr. Brookes spends some time pointing out a few more things to us and confirming that Lucy is just shy of twelve weeks pregnant. Then he tells Lucy she can get cleaned up.
Lucy’s hand squeezes mine, reminding me that we’re still connected. Looking up, I see her eyes are trained on where we’re connected too. I should let go, I don’t want the lines to get crossed, but there’s something about this moment that makes me want to hold on a little longer. Dr. Brookes offers Lucy a paper towel so she can get cleaned up. Letting her go, I reach out and take ahold of it instead. I don’t know why I do it, but it feels natural, so I don’t stop myself from gently wiping the gel off her belly. She doesn’t stop me, but I don’t miss the way her body locks. Ignoring it, I clean her up anyway. Once she’s cleaned and covered, the doc hands us a strip of printed pictures. I watch as Lucy immediately rips them in half and offers me some of them.
I don’t take my eyes off them as we leave the office. I don’t stop looking at them as I stand there, waiting for Lucy to schedule her next appointment.
I might have known Lucy was pregnant for the last two weeks, but until this moment, it didn’t really occurr to me what that actually meant. The realization of what’s to come in the near future hits me like a ton of bricks.
“Well, that was crazy,” Lucy says, snapping me out of my thoughts. Looking up, I realize I’ve followed her out to the deserted car park, and we’re standing in front of her car.
“Crazy is putting it mildly,” I mutter.
“Do you maybe want to go get an early dinner or something?” The look of hope on her face causes my insides to twist. I’m still so angry at her, and I don’t know how to let go of that. It’s all too much. I’m sick of feeling like I’m on unsteady ground when I’m around her.
“We’re not doing that shit. This is what it is now. I’ll be friendly to you because that’s what is best, but you need to know here and now that’s all it will ever be.” The friendly smile on her face is replaced as irritation slides into place.
“I’m not asking you on a date,” she spits. “We have things to talk about.”
“And we have time to talk later,” I snap at her.
“That doesn’t work for me,” she snaps back, but I’m done with this whole thing. Turning on my boots, I leave her standing there alone in the parking lot.
Regret hits me before I even make it to my truck, and it takes everything in me not to lash out and punch something.
I can’t keep being a dick to her just because I need to keep some distance between us. I need to learn how to control these feeling she drags out of me, and I need to learn how to do that fast.
CHAPTER TWELVE
LUCY
“I can’t believe that jackass,” Rina growls into the phone. I’ve just finished telling her about my appointment and how much of a disaster it turned out to be.
“I thought we were finally getting somewhere, until I asked him to talk to me. Is this what it’s always going to be like? You’d think I’d asked him to fuck me right there in the parking lot with the way he reacted.” That hurt more than it should have. Asa has made it perfectly clear how he feels about me, but the look on his face when I suggested dinner stung. It was like he couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting opposite me for any length of time. It’s not like it’s my idea of a good time, but we have things we need to talk through. I can’t keep this from my friends much longer, and I still don’t know how he wants to tell his sister. Until we talk about it, I'm stuck in limbo, and I'm sick of it.
“I’m telling you, he better be glad he doesn’t work at Fuzzy’s anymore. Otherwise, I might be tempted to go shove my foot right up his ass. With my stripper heels on.”
“What? Since when doesn’t he work there?” I ask, and I'm not sure why, but I'm surprised by this.
“He’s always been there part-time, but I don’t think I’ve seen him here for a few weeks now. The guy who replaced him seems to be permanent,” she tells me. “Didn’t he tell you?”
“I told you, he barely speaks to me. The only time we’ve communicated was when I had to tell him about appointments.”
“You need to drop the nice-guy act. He needs to man up and talk to you. If not, you’re just going to have to tell everyone. Fuck the consequences. If he won’t act like a grown-up, then that’s on him.”
She makes it sound so easy. But I guess there’s some truth in her advice. I can’t let this go on any longer. I’d be hurt if I knew any of my girls were keeping something like this to themselves. My next doctor’s appointment is in a month, and I decide that’s how long I’ll give him to pull his head out of his ass. I still feel guilty over how things ended between us, and that’s the only reason I’ve kept our situation to myself.
If he can’t give me the decency of having a conversation like grown-ups, then he’s just going to have to learn to live with the consequences.
***
I must have pissed off the pregnancy gods by boasting about the morning sickness going away, because over the next few weeks it kicks my ass.
From the time I open my eyes in the morning, ’til the time I crawl into bed at an embarrassingly early time, I’m plagued by nausea.
The small mercy is that I’m not only sick in the mornings. The rest of the day there are unrelenting waves rolling in my belly. Anything and everything can set me off. I usually won’t know it’s a trigger until it’s too late, and I’m running for the bathroom.