PROLOGUE
LUCY
“Do you ever think about us?”
The second the words leave my lips, I wish I could grab them and stuff them back in. I can’t look over at where TJ sits beside me. Instead, I watch the party going on around us. The people milling about, completely unaware that my world is spinning out of control.
I’ve been watching them for the last hour, unable to rip my gaze away. TJ and Breeze, with their son. The spot they’ve picked to sit is slightly removed from the rest of the party. They’re so absorbed in one another; they don’t even seem to realize they’re surrounded by people.
Envy sits heavily in my belly. It should be me sitting there. Shouldn’t it?
TJ and I were over before we ever began, so I don’t know why these feelings have been inescapable lately.
I thought we were done. The things we’d done to each other, the things we’d said; there was no going back from any of that, was there?
So why am I standing here, wishing it was me sitting in that chair instead of Breeze?
Why do I wish it was me cradling Abel and holding TJ’s hand?
“Yeah, Luce. I do,” TJ finally answers, but I can tell by his tone that the last thing he wants to be doing is talking to me right now. “You fucked me up.” The words are like needles piercing through me. It takes everything in me not to break down.
“Where’s this coming from?” he asks, interrupting the thick silence hanging between us.
Where did it come from? I wish I knew. It isn’t like I planned this.
“I don’t know,” I finally manage to say. I don’t look at him. Instead, I keep my eyes on my fingers as they pick at the label on the beer bottle I’m gripping tightly. “I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I always thought it would be me.” My voice is barely audible, part of me hoping he won’t hear the words. “I thought that when you pulled your head out of your ass, we’d find a way to make it work.”
“Luce—” I don’t let him speak. I know nothing good is going to come from this, but obviously I’m some kind of masochist for starting this ridiculous scene.
“I know.” I sigh. “I moved on first. I met Scott, and I told you I was done, but there was always that tiny little seed in my mind. I thought it would be us in the end.”
“I thought I loved you, and I thought I'd lost it all when I lost you,” TJ says softly, and that’s almost worse than the animosity I’m used to being there between us.
“You thought you loved me?” I can’t help but ask, even knowing how much the answer will hurt to hear.
“It wasn’t until I met Breeze that I realized how wrong I was. I thought I loved you. But I know now it was just infatuation. I stood by and watched you live your life from the sideline, Luce. That’s not love, and that’s not an option with Bree. I want to be a part of it. No, I need to be a part of it. I thought getting over you would be easy with plenty to drink and other women. The thought of touching anyone but Breeze leaves me cold. Damn, I stood here in this very backyard and shook Scott’s hand, for fuck sake. If Bree ever tried that shit, I’d be locked up for murder.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dragged all this crap up,” I stammer, the tears clogging my throat and making it hard to get the words out coherently. “Scott and I, we’re going through some stuff. It'll be fine. I’ll be fine.” I pause, dragging in a deep breath. “I guess seeing you settled down, happy, it threw me for a minute.”
“I don’t know what’s happening with you guys, but if you need anything at all, even just someone to listen, I'm here,” TJ says, and the pity that laces his words is almost enough to push me over the edge. I can’t fall apart here, not in front of him. Not in front of anyone.
I block out the rest of what TJ says as I try my hardest to compose myself. It takes longer than I’d like, but once I manage to beat back the tears that threaten to fall, I climb out of the chair.
I allow myself one last touch, squeezing TJ’s hand in mine before I turn to walk away. I don’t know what it is that makes me stop, but I find myself looking back toward the man I once thought would be mine
“I’m happy for you. She’s perfect for you and Abel. You have a beautiful family.”
I turn and walk away. TJ is the past. I already knew that, but it seems I must be some kind of masochist and needed that fact hammered home today.
CHAPTER ONE
LUCY
“Fuzzy holes?” Standing on the sidewalk, I stare up at the gaudy neon light that flashes above the squat, warehouse-style building the cab just left us outside of. “I know you work here, but really?” Turning to look at my oldest friend Rina, I give her my best ‘What the fuck?’ look. “You brought me to a strip club?”
“You said you wanted a girls’ night.” She shrugs. “Sugar, I bet you fifty bucks you’ll have the most fun ever here tonight.” She gives me a grin, grabs my hand, and yanks me toward the door. “Come on.” Rina giggles as she links her arm with mine and drags me to the front of the line of people waiting to get in. There are two huge doormen standing in the entrance. One of them is easily the biggest guy I’ve ever seen, and not just tall; he’s muscles on top of muscles. He’s easily the biggest guy I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying something considering I work in a gym that trains MMA fighters.
But it’s the guy on his right who catches my eye. He’s not as tall as muscles, but he’s still well over six-foot-tall. His dark hair is shaved on the sides, the longer part swept back from his handsome face. He’s wearing a tight black shirt, and I can see the edge of some tattoos at his neck. Both his hands are inked too. He wears a neatly trimmed beard on his jaw, and I wouldn’t normally find that attractive, but there’s something about this guy that I’m liking. A lot. He barely spares me a glance, so I guess he doesn’t feel the same. Good, I think to myself. The last thing I need is more man problems in my life.
“Rina,” Muscles drawls as we approach. His eyes crawl all over her body, completely ignoring me; thank God. He gives me the creeps. I can’t say I blame him for gawking, though; my friend is stunning. Long legs, tiny waist, and long golden hair. She’s like a real-life Barbie doll.
“Hey, Eddie.” She smiles sweetly as we pass by, but I can see how fake it is. “Lucas,” she practically purrs at the bearded guy I was just staring at. “Looking good tonight.”
Rina and I became friends after she started a pole dance-fitness class at Flex, the gym I’ve been managing for the last few years. We’ve become close over the last few months, but this is the first time I’ve agreed to join her on a night out.
Coming to a strip club isn’t exactly what I had in mind, though. Judging by the name, I’d assume Fuzzy Holes would be a seedy place, but it’s actually not all that bad. The walls are a deep blood red, and huge black and white photographs line the walls. I look closer and see they’re pictures of naked bodies, zoomed in so close you don’t immediately realize what you’re looking at. The back wall is dominated by a long bar that runs the length of the room. The wood is so dark it looks black. There’s one main stage that has blood red drapes at the back, a shiny silver pole in the center, and two smaller stages frame each side.