But I’m not that lucky. My still, lifeless apartment tells me I’m too late.
The panic I felt when I thought he might possibly still be here is replaced with a rush of sadness. I was so convinced he was going to walk away from me, and it turns out I was right.
Except, this time I have nobody to blame but myself.
CHAPTER SIX
LUCY
TWO MONTHS LATER
“You sure you’re okay with being there today?”
“I’ve told you already. I’m happy for them, Pop.” Adding another coat of mascara, I don’t turn to face my best friend where she’s leaned against the door of my bathroom. I don’t need to look at her to feel her intense eyes on me, waiting for me to crack.
Today is TJ’s wedding day. He surprised us all when he proposed to Breeze as soon as they returned from their trip to Europe. Well, that’s not entirely true. I wasn’t surprised. I heard it in his voice that day at Chase’s birthday party. He loved her and couldn’t wait to have forever with her and Abel.
I’m truly happy for them. Not that any of my friends seem to believe me when I tell them that.
“You say it, and I want to think you’re telling me the truth, Luce, but you’ve been off for months now,” Poppy says softly. She’s not wrong, even if she’s not entirely right either.
Turning away from the mirror, I move closer to one of my very best friends. “Pop, hand on my heart, honest to God,” I tell her solemnly. “I’m happy for the both of them.” I can’t say I was always happy for them. I can admit to feeling jealousy in the beginning, but you only have to see them together to know they’re meant to be. Whatever TJ and I had was insignificant by comparison. I’ve come to realize I was clinging to the fantasy of what TJ and I could have been, not what we actually were.
Poppy watches me closely before she speaks, no doubt looking for any hint that I might be lying to her. “If it’s not the wedding, what is it? What's wrong? And don’t tell me it’s nothing. You’ve been avoiding Elliott and I for a long time. Too long. Did we do something?”
How do I tell my best friend, one of the sweetest people to walk the earth, that seeing her so happy and in love is like a kick in the teeth when my own love life is a complete disaster? How do I tell my two closest friends that instead of being happy for them, I’m jealous? That when we all get together the envy eats at me more and more every time?
And all of that was an issue before the disaster with Lucas. I’ve kept that to myself out of pure embarrassment. Yet again, I'd failed with a man. After a week of trying to get in touch with him, I gave up. He wasn’t interested in hearing from me, and I couldn’t put myself through the rejection again.
Seeing the concern on Poppy’s face, I realize I was wrong to put distance between us. If I don’t get a handle on myself soon, I’m going to end up old and alone. And loneliness isn’t something I enjoy all that much.
“We miss you,” she adds, and it’s like a kick in the teeth. Another reminder that I fucked up.
“God, Pop! Twist the knife a little, why don’t you?” I joke, grabbing my chest in mock pain.
“Don’t do that. Don’t try to make a joke out of it,” she scolds.
“I promise. It’s not about TJ. Or Scott,” I tell her, deciding to at least try to put her mind at ease. I want her to enjoy today, not spend it worrying about me. “I met a guy. It didn’t last long, and it didn’t end well.”
“Oh, Luce,” she exclaims softly, but I don’t think I can deal with talking about it right now.
“It’s fine. I just needed a minute.” I need to tell her everything. She and Elliott are the best friends I’ve ever had, and they deserve me to be honest with them. I have a feeling I’m going to need them more than ever soon anyway.
“You, me, Elliott, drinks here next weekend?” I offer, trying to buy myself some time. I know I have to speak to them, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t use a reprieve before I actually have to do it. “I’ll tell you all about it then, okay?”
“Okay,” she agrees after a long moment, giving my hand a soft squeeze.
“Now, you get home to your guys. You have a wedding to get ready for.”
“You’re sure? I’m worried if I leave it much later, Keir will get the boys dressed himself, and we both know how that will end,” she jokes, cracking the tense atmosphere of the last few minutes.
“Get out of here.” I smile, knowing she’s full of it. She knows Keir will look after their two little boys with no problems.
“See you later, then.” She gives me a swift hug before she leaves.
I sag against the vanity and drop the fake smile I wore for Poppy. The one hiding the cracks that have only been getting wider over the last two months.
Despite a whole lot of effort, I can’t stop my eyes from drifting down the drawer of my vanity unit. The drawer that holds a ticking time bomb.
My hand trembles as it reaches out to pull the drawer open. I don’t take a breath as I grab the thin cardboard box, turning it over in my hand. My fingers toy with the broken seal.
Eight days.
Eight days. That’s how long this has been taunting me, daring me to finish the job and rip the rest of the box open.
Eight days, and each and every one of them have been nothing short of torturous. Every day I’ve come in here and picked up this stupid box, and every day I’ve been too much of a fucking coward to do anything with it.
Enough is enough.
I rip the box open and remove the contents, letting the box fall to the floor. I turn the foil wrapped stick over in my hand and take a steadying breath. Using my teeth to pull the foil apart, I slide the plastic stick out and grasp it in my hands.
It weighs nothing, yet the weight of everything it represents is staggering.
Before I can talk myself out of it yet again, I rush toward the toilet and yank the plastic lid up.
I don’t think.
I don’t question myself.
I just do what needs to be done. What needed to be done days ago.
I replace the cap on the pregnancy test and leave it on the counter, facedown.
Washing my hands, I quickly get the rest of my stuff ready because I need to leave soon.
I ignore the test, leaving it untouched until it becomes unavoidable. Inevitably I run out of time, and I have no choice but to check it.
I don’t need to, though. I already know the answer. This is just the confirmation.
“Get a fucking grip, Luce,” I tell myself as I take the five short steps toward the counter.
Closing my eyes, I pick up the test, knowing deep down that this is the moment that my life will be forever changed.
Breathing deeply, I turn it over.
Pregnant.
CHAPTER SEVEN
LUCY
“This place looks amazing.”
“Uh huh,” I murmur, my mind too preoccupied to pay much attention to what’s happening around me.
“Yeah, the dancing monkeys really set it off.” Elliott deadpans from the seat next to me. That gets my attention.
“Monkeys? Where?” I ask, looking around the open backyard of TJ and Breeze’s house. They’re getting married next to the lake. There aren't many people here, just family and a few friends. There’s a gazebo set up near the dock, the wooden frame decorated with light pink organza and beautiful white daisies.