She swallows.
I swallow too.
Then we stare at each other for an extraordinarily long time, my breathing deep as I wage a war between what I want and what I know is right. “We should go,” I say, clearing my throat and looking away, my conscience beating out my desires.
“Sure. Yeah. We should…we should definitely get back,” she says, her hand touching her lips as if they’re suddenly on fire. The action gets me riled up in a way I don’t want to admit. I want her, that much is true. But she’s my boss’s daughter, and she’s fifteen years my junior. The things I want to do to her barely legal body are all kinds of wrong. I need to get a grip. I need to stop spending time with her. I’m kidding myself if I think a friendship with her is going to work. I close up the tray and get in the truck, starting her up.
Hazel is quick to get in beside me, and the drive back home feels awkward. I don’t know what to say to her, so I opt to say nothing at all.
“Thanks for coming today,” I say, keeping my eyes straight ahead when I pull up outside her house. I’m not concerned about George finding us here because I already know he’s at the restaurant, waiting for me to show up with the crates in the back.
“I wanted you to kiss me back there,” she blurts, causing an unwelcome jolt in my chest.
I suck in a deep breath, telling myself to shut the hell up, but unable to stop the words tumbling from my lips. “I wanted that too,” I admit, squeezing the steering wheel until my fingers hurt.
“This isn’t going to work is it?” she asks. “Us being friends?”
I swing my head slowly from side to side. “Not right now. No,” I say, swallowing hard. “I want you too much. And I know that’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry I’m making this hard, but I think…”
“You think we should steer clear of each other?”
I nod. “For a while. Just until…” I shake my head, hating that I feel like this, that I’m putting this on her. “I don’t know.”
“Until we stop falling in love with one another?” she offers, making my chest jolt with a painful truth. Is that what’s happening? It can’t be. I barely know her.
Fuck. I need to put a stop to this.
“You’re too young to know what you feel, Hazel,” I say.
“I’m not,” she argues. “Just because I’m eighteen doesn’t mean I don’t understand what this feeling is, Cillian. And I know you feel it too. It’s intense and all-consuming. You’re all I think about.”
“Hazel,” I warn, closing my eyes and trying to keep my cool. I want to give into this. Fuck, how I want to give her what she needs and take what I need from her in return. But I know that will never work. She will be my ruin, and I’m too close to realizing my dreams to fuck it all up now.
“No, Cillian. I’m not going to let you try to convince me this isn’t happening. You want me just as much as I want you. Admit it.”
“I want to fuck you, Hazel,” I growl, clenching my teeth and keeping my eyes forward so I can’t see the hurt in hers when I deliver my blow. “That’s what this is. I saw you. My dick got hard. And the moment I fuck your innocence away, that feeling will disappear.”
She gasps and sits back. “That’s not true. I don’t believe you. That’s not who you are.”
I turn to her, my eyes darkening as I let them drink in her supple body. “You have no idea who I am, or what I’m capable of. So I suggest you get out of this truck before I do something we both regret.”
“Cillian,” she pleads, disbelief in her voice. “Don’t do this.”
“I’m warning you,” I growl, leering at her openly. “Get out of this truck, or I’m going to take what I want. And I won’t be gentle.”
Her mouth hangs open, speechless.
“If you’re going to stare at me with your mouth open, the least you can do is put it to good use,” I grunt, placing my hand on my belt buckle.
“You’re an asshole!” she cries, unbuckling her seatbelt and scrambling out of the truck. “You know what, Cillian? If you don’t think I’m worth risking your job over, all you had to do was say so. You didn’t have to be a…” Her eyes move up and down my body as a scowl takes over her face. “A dick about it and try to scare me. I’m not as naïve as you think I am. I can take it.”
I suck a lungful of air through my nose as I lift my gaze to meet hers. “I don’t think you’re worth risking my job for,” I say, leaning over and pulling the door closed before I speed away, leaving her on the sidewalk. Crying.
Fuck. I’m a bigger asshole than I thought I was. I never wanted to hurt her. But sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. And I’m trying to do the right thing. If I keep spending time with her, keep trying to be my friend, we’ll just end up doing exactly what we’re trying not to do. It’s just a pity doing the right thing feels like absolute shit. But it’s for the best.
Hazel
I lock myself in my room and cry. When did this go so horribly wrong? The day was perfect. He was perfect. And then I admitted to wanting to kiss him—he admitted he wanted to kiss me too—and then…
I just can’t believe those things he said were true. I can’t believe he’s the kind of guy who goes after a girl just to use her up and spit her out. I know I’m young. I know I’m inexperienced. But I’m not stupid. I know a good man when I see one. And Cillian is good. I know it.
By the time I calm down, the sun is setting, meaning Dad will be home before long and I need to get my shit together. Heading into the bathroom, I splash some water on my face then move back into my room, picking up my phone and bringing up Cillian’s name. My thumbs hover over the screen, wanting to type out a message, to pour my heart out to him and tell him how I feel, and what I know is true. There is something special about him and me.
After staring at the screen for an extraordinary amount of time, I back out and instead tap my best friend, Trish, from boarding school, messaging her to ask if she’s free to talk. She calls immediately.
“What’s up? How’s Boston?” she asks and I close my eyes. It’s good to hear her voice. We’ve only texted back and forth since I moved home.
“It’s OK. How’s UCLA?”
“Ugh. I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say I’ve been given the roommate from hell. I wish I was back at boarding school rooming with you instead.”
“You know, we were so keen to get out of that place, and now I kind of want to go back.”
“Same. You never believe that high school will be the best years of your life while you’re there. I’ve been at college for less than a month and I’m starting to believe it. How’s the restaurant business?”
“Good and bad. My dad is a bit gung-ho in his efforts to convince me to follow in his footsteps. But at the same time, he’s making it really hard for me to want to stay.”
“You sound stressed. Is everything all right?”
I never could hide anything from her, and I really need to talk this out. I let out a sigh. “It’s just that he has these stupid rules about who I can and can’t talk to,” I explain.