“No matter what you decide, I’ll understand,” I said even though I wanted to fucking puke after saying the words.
Thinking about my life without her now that I had her in it felt impossible. How that shit worked, I’d never understand. I’d been perfectly fine without Danika for years, never feeling incomplete or like I was missing any part of me. But after having her, all that had changed. If she left me, I’d understand, of course, but I’d never fully be okay again. Parts of me would always be missing. And she’d walk around, holding them and not even know.
“Thank you. And thank you for being up front and honest about all of this even though it totally sucks and I hate it.” She was thanking me for basically handing her the scissors to sever the ties between us. One cut was all it would take, and she held all the power.
“Yep. Take all the time you need, by the way. I’m not going anywhere.” I didn’t want her to feel rushed or worried. Like there was some sort of time limit on this decision. While she was weighing all of her options, I’d be one hundred percent focused on baseball and making sure a game like I’d played today never happened again. “But before you get out of my truck …” I leaned toward her, reached for the back of her neck, and pulled her against me like it might be the last time I ever got to.
My tongue entered her mouth, and she breathed into me, a moan combined with a whimper. My dick instantly hardened. This girl affected me like no other ever had. I wanted to tell her that I was falling in love with her … hell, that I loved her already, but I refused to fuck with her head like that. I focused on the taste of her tongue instead, sucking and nipping at it as her fingernails dug into my shoulders like she was afraid to let go. We were two people, frenzied, unsure of what tomorrow would bring and choosing to live for the moment, taking everything that the other gave. And I gave her my all.
I’d give her anything she wanted, today, tomorrow, and forever, if she’d let me. I wondered if she knew that, and somewhere deep down, I knew that she did, even without me saying it. I really fucking hoped that my girl would choose me in the end because knowing that she would eventually move on and end up with someone else would be like breathing in dirt instead of oxygen for the rest of my life. A constant reminder of my loss, filled with pain and grit, all while slowly suffocating me. It sounded like a shit way to go.
Realizations
Danika
My heart ached with each step I took away from Chance’s truck and toward my apartment. I hadn’t felt anywhere close to this level of hurt when Jared and I broke up. I had felt relieved. But right now, the last thing I felt was an ounce of relief even though I knew that what Chance and I were doing was an incredibly mature and smart thing to do. I’d felt so grown-up that we were able to talk about things calmly instead of fighting over them the way I used to do with Jared.
I understood why Chance felt the way that he did and why he was concerned even if my heart hated it. It made sense to me, and even though it sucked that he could be so logical when it came to his emotions, I realized that I was trying to be logical too. Being a girl, I wanted Chance’s feelings for me to override every other thought in his head. But I knew that even if they did, he’d never admit it. Not while he was asking this of me.
What I hadn’t told Chance was that I was determined to figure out a solution for us. When he’d mentioned ending things, my heart had felt like it had cracked in two as I struggled to catch my breath. Every time he encouraged me to think about my future, I saw him standing there with me. There wasn’t one time when I pictured my life later on and he wasn’t included in it. As shocking as that had initially been to me, it was also extremely telling. I knew what I needed to do; I just wasn’t sure how.
Pulling open my front door, I stepped inside. The smell of chocolate chip cookies instantly hit my nose, and I swore I started to drool.
“Cookies?” I asked out loud, and Sunny peeked around the cabinets with a grin.
She looked all around me, clearly assuming that Chance would be with me, like usual. “I thought he’d want some sweets since he had such a bad game, but he’s not with you?” she asked, sounding utterly confused.
“No. He went home.” I rounded the corner and stood in the kitchen, watching her.
“Oh. I didn’t peg Chance for one of those guys,” she said, scooping out more batter and setting it onto the pan.
“One of what kind of guys?”
“The kind of baseball player who got super pissed after a bad game and wanted to be alone to sulk in his misery instead of carrying on with his life,” she stated like she was some sort of expert on athletes.
I decided to be frank. “He tried to break up with me,” I said the words super fast, unable to hold them in a second longer.
The spoon clanged against the countertop as it dropped, and I stared, watching it bounce and twirl before falling to the floor with an even louder sound.
“Because of his game? Whoa, he’s really over the top.” She bent down to pick up the spoon, tossing it into the sink before pulling open the drawer and grabbing a clean one.
“It wasn’t because of the game. He saw Jared this morning.”
Sunny snarled, “So what? Who cares?”
“Jared said some things, and they didn’t sit well with Chance,” I tried to explain before wondering if I was oversharing things that should have stayed between him and me. But Sunny was my best friend, and girls needed to talk about things with each other. It was how we survived.
She popped out her hip—her annoyed stance. “What kind of things?”
“He told him that I’d give up my future for him. And shit like that. He made Chance worry.”
Sunny focused back on the tray, filling the last empty space with dough. “Chance is a good guy.”
“I know. He basically laid out what life would be like for me if we stayed together. He told me to take some time and think if it was the kind of life I wanted or not.” I hopped up onto the counter and reached for one of the already-baked cookies on a plate. I wasn’t sure why, but I half-expected Sunny to swat my hand or something, so I was relieved when she didn’t. When I took a bite, the chocolate dripped out and hit me on the chin. I wiped it away. “These are so good. Why are your cookies always so delicious?”
“It’s the sea salt,” she said with a shrug as she put the last batch into the oven. “You know this already. I tell you this everytime.”
“The sea salt,” I parroted like it was new information even though it wasn’t.
“I sprinkle sea salt chunks on top of the dough before I cook it. It changes everything,” she explained, and suddenly, I couldn’t taste anything other than the salty flavor combined with the sweet dark chocolate. “That’s why I tell you to do it too. But you never listen.”
“I’ll start listening. I promise,” I said, taking another bite. “You should sell these.”
“Maybe someday. Anyway, what kind of life? What did he mean?”
I chewed first, savoring every bite before swallowing. “He meant if we stayed together when he got drafted. He explained what being with a professional baseball player would mean for me.”
Her mouth pursed, making her lips look huge. “That’s actually kind of nice. And you’d never thought about it before?”