So instead, I said, “I can do that,” with a noncommittal shrug.
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah.” I forced my tone to remain indifferent as I said, “I mean, as long as you don’t threaten to order in again.”
His next laugh was louder, fuller. “Come on,” he said, sending me a wink. “I need to sleep first.”
He didn’t grab my hand or lead me into his room. He just headed that way, letting me follow.
After scrounging around in his bathroom, he found an extra toothbrush for me and stood by my side. Staring at me in the mirror as we got ready for bed even though the sun hadn’t set.
And there was something about this. Standing beside Hunter, feeling the heat of his gaze even though I was doing one of the most unsexy things ever, that made me want this for so much longer than just tonight.
The realization of why ripped at my chest and clawed at my soul, but I just broke our stare and bent to wash my mouth out so he wouldn’t see the tears building in my eyes.
Because I’d promised myself, promised Dean, that I would never love anyone again.
And I was falling in love with Hunter Dixon.
I glanced at my ringing phone. A heavy exhale escaped me as my stare bounced from the building in front of me to the phone a few times before I accepted the call.
“What’s wrong?” I answered in greeting.
There was a pause before he slowly asked, “Is something wrong?”
“Cays, it isn’t even eight in the morning, and you’ve called me three times already.”
“Right, and you get up before the sun,” he said just as slowly. “I’m almost to Port Arthur. Trying to figure out if I’m submitting my notice today, or if I should plan on being there for a while longer.”
My mouth parted as I stared at the building in front of me. As that crushing weight on my chest seemed to grow heavier and heavier.
At the moment, that was taking my entire focus.
My conversation with Cayson seemed like another lifetime ago.
I shook my head roughly, trying to clear it enough to respond to my brother. “Uh . . . forty-nine . . .” I cleared my throat and rubbed at my chest. “That’s what you said?”
“Yep.”
“And you’re sure about this?”
“Hell yeah, Hunt. I want it. Emberly and I want it.”
My head moved in a jumbled mess of a nod. “All right. I’ll have everything worked up for when you get back.”
Silence met me for a while before Cayson spoke. Voice subdued and full of gratitude. “Thank you. Really, you have no idea what this means.”
For a second, everything else fell away. My throat getting tight from the emotion in his voice—from how different everything was from just a year before.
“Anything, Cays,” I mumbled honestly. “You know that. Now get there safe and get back to your girl in a couple weeks, all right?”
A soft laugh rumbled through the phone. “Yeah, all right. Later.”
As soon as the phone fell from my grasp, I was consumed in everything all over again. Choking on the excruciating pain and doubts and guilt.
That overwhelming feeling of how the hell am I supposed to get through this?
With a jagged exhale, I forced myself from the truck and over to the door that seemed to beg me to turn around with each step closer. Even as I stood there, head hung low and body wavering, I knew I couldn’t.
Knew this needed to be done.
The moment I knocked, the last of the air in my lungs rushed out. My body trembling with a lethal mixture of fear and agony.
When I heard movement from the other side, getting closer and closer, I steeled my jaw and sent up a prayer that I wasn’t about to make a mistake.
That I wasn’t about to lose her.
Then the door was opening and Isabel was in front of me, looking like she knew exactly why I was there. And it broke me.
Her face creased, tears immediately filling her eyes and slipping down her cheeks before she had the chance to look away. Already shaking her head and backing away from me—trying to hide that from me too.
I grabbed her before she could get far and pulled her into my arms. Holding her close when she trembled and a sob broke free.
I shut the door behind me and then leaned against it, keeping her with me as I whispered, “Izzy, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“For what?” she asked against my chest, words hitching as she continued. “Loving the person you always have? Choosing her? There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“I didn’t—I haven’t . . .” I raked a hand over my face before dropping it to hold Izzy back enough to look into her eyes. “I can’t keep doing this to you. Dragging you through this.”
“I told you to take this time,” she reminded me, her words coming out soft and slow. “That we needed it if we were ever going to survive this.”
“And I told you I didn’t want that.”
“Hunter . . .” My name came out strained and full of discomfort as she pulled away from me, walking deeper into her apartment with her arms wrapped tightly around her waist. “Why can’t you see that it’s necessary?”
“I saw that it was hurting us worse, Izzy.” I gestured to her. “You pulled away from me—”
“To give you space.”
“Space I didn’t want,” I reminded her. “And don’t tell me it wasn’t because you were hurting. I know you were trying to hide your pain from me the same way you’re doing now.”
Her head shook wildly as her jaw trembled.
“But as soon as you heard Madison was back, you shut down and shut me out. Did everything to stop us even though you know I’m in love with you too.”
“No,” she said quickly, the word nothing more than a horrified breath. “Don’t—Hunter, don’t say that to me. Not now.”
I held my hands out to her in a this-is-what-I’m-talking-about motion before dragging them over my face.
“You cannot say that to me now that it’s over,” she cried out.
“I didn’t want it to be,” I yelled back. “I chose you. That night was a make or break moment for us, and I chose. We decided no labels, yeah. But you know damn well I made a decision that night, and it was you.”
Pain and regret flashed across her face as her body seemed to sway.
“Then, during one of the biggest shocks of my fucking life, I still tried to choose you. I told Cayson about us. I was ready to tell the rest of my family and everyone, and you said no. You told me we needed space, and then you pushed me away, Izzy.”
Her head moved in a sharp nod. “Biggest shock being the girl you talked to me about for over a decade, Hunter. The girl you never stopped loving. What did you expect me to do? Act like nothing was happening?”
“I know I’m the bad guy in this. In every way it’s looked at, no matter what I would’ve done or what I do, I’m the asshole.”
“No,” she said softly. “Hunter, no, that isn’t—”
“It’s true,” I said firmly. “If I would’ve agreed with you and eagerly taken that space?” I shrugged. “Asshole. If I wouldn’t have told you at all?” A sharp, pained laugh fled from me. When I continued, my words were soft and twisted with guilt. “If I would’ve convinced you not to push me away?”