But this time was different. Dan knew her well enough.
Something was eating at her. And no doubt a whole load of somethings, if you put yourself in her shoes, if you added up all the irritations she had to face these days.
Richard had insisted she go with them or she wouldn’t have come; this meant nothing to her.
But Richard had been chatting with some pals for a while now and she was clearly getting fed up.
Dan walked by her on his way to a beer.
Listen, she said to him. There’s something I have to tell you. Now that we’re alone for a second.
He looked at her and vaguely nodded. She appeared so bothered, so conflicted over what she wanted to say, without managing to get it out, that it seemed like a pressing need.
Go on, I’m listening, he encouraged, leaning into the cooler.
She was standing behind him, her lips pinched, ready to spill it all. Looking up, she noticed Marlene who had remained standing near the campfire, lit up like a Madonna, a blanket around her shoulders, and all of Nath’s drive vaporized in an instant. She lowered her head. Off to one side, a bunch of guys were revving their motorcycles. Dogs barked on the road.
So what is it, he said, pulling open the tab.
Oh, I don’t know, she answered with a sigh of exhaustion. I hope I’m wrong.
She sometimes had the impression that Dan understood her implicitly, that in this regard he was more perceptive than Richard, but here he evidently wasn’t following her at all. He looked like a deer in headlights.
She stared hard at him a moment, then declared that she’d had enough and wanted to go home. He didn’t try to hold her back. That, at least, he knew would be wasted effort. He preferred to save his energy for the almost inevitable day when Richard discovered that she had, so to speak, run a bit wild during his absence.
He went off into the shadows to piss quietly while watching Nath head to her car, and thought to himself she was going through a tough time, lots of upsets, and there was nothing he could do about it. He buttoned his fly. The music was still loud but he had left the first decibel-saturated circle, the shadows enveloped him, and his relative distance from the crowd and empty bladder offered him a little respite beneath the starry sky.
I was looking for you, my blanket caught fire, Marlene announced. I think I’m a jinx.
Dan lowered his gaze onto the blanket in question and, indeed, half the fringes were charred.
It could have been worse, she continued. I felt myself drifting away. But I’m okay. Sorry about your blanket.
This kind of thing only happens to me.
It happens all the time. I can’t tell you how many drunk guys I’ve seen stumble into the embers. Or how many I’ve seen set themselves on fire with just a candle.
She looked at him for a moment and shivered. What’s the matter with her, she asked.
He shrugged. Mmm, she claims she doesn’t know. She’s worried about being wrong. I’m just repeating what she told me.
If she fell down, Marlene said pensively, she would never tell us where it hurt. Her eyes would tear up, but she just gritted her teeth, that’s all. She hasn’t changed. She turns on the radio while we’re working so we don’t have to talk, can you imagine. Mom used to pull her hair out with her. It’s like I’m by myself—I spend my days with cats and dogs.
I almost got a dog, you know, he segued, a basenji, but when I heard it howl, I brought it right back. I told the guy he could keep the deposit. I certainly intend to, he said, but anyway, I get your point.
Across the street, some guys were playing at rodeo, dust flew about, and an odor of oil and burnt rubber slowly settled over everything. It was good to see them having fun, finally decompressing after aging ten years in a few weeks, and the girls cutting loose, thrilled to be with their boyfriends again. Enjoy it while you can, he said to himself.
I like your sense of humor, she said. Sometimes I don’t understand it right away.
Come off it, I don’t have any sense of humor. I lost all that. It’s like smiling, I still have trouble with it.
But it’s coming along, right.
These things always take a long time. It’s a lot to digest. I’m glad spring’s almost here, I’ll be able to putter in my garden. I can’t wait to trim my hedges.
It was two in the morning by the time he parked in front of her house.
At that moment, he said, I felt like my spirit had left my body and I was terrified. I could tell I wasn’t dead, but I wasn’t alive either. Not sure how to explain it. I thought I was going nuts. I didn’t lose my legs, like Ralph did, and I’m not comparing my suffering with his, but I’ve had a taste of it, Richard has had a taste of it, everyone here has had a taste of it one way or other. And good luck leaving it behind. Trust me, you’re not out of the woods yet. Have fun trying to get your life together.
Dan, I’ve watched you, you know, I’ve watched you going about living. I think that meeting people, going out, having some fun wouldn’t be such a bad thing for you. Teach me how to bowl, for instance. Let’s go to the movies, I don’t know, or for a walk. I’ll give you my arm, since you don’t have a girlfriend. I’m practically your sister-in-law. A guy walking alone always looks a bit dodgy.
Okay. We’ll see. We can sleep on it.
You don’t have to, you know.
If it was a drag, I’d say so. It’s not a drag at all. We can always go get a drink.
It would be good for me too. Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating with Nath. I have to go out and accost someone in the street just to get a bit of conversation.
Listen, I’ve seen this before. I wouldn’t worry about it too much if I were you. It’ll get better after a while.
Suddenly he leaned toward the windshield and raised his eyes to the sky. It’s going to be nice tomorrow. We could go to the drive-in. They’re showing Lost Highway in the early evening. I never get tired of seeing it.
It’s been ages since I’ve gone. The man I was living with hated movies. He worked in a bank.
They’re all shitheads, those guys who work in banks.
My father was a banker. He died in 2007, just at the time of the crash. He’s rotting in hell as we speak. I never saw him think for one second about anyone but himself.
It never crossed his mind.
She rested a hand on his arm before getting out. Tell me, what do you mean by getting back to a normal life.
He blinked, tilted his head to one side. What do you think. It means just what it sounds like, doesn’t it.
She contented herself with a smile. His eyes followed her as she crossed the headlights walking around the car. She was still smiling. Before going inside, Marlene turned back to him.