“Yes. That is part of the price for you to handle the matter for this child. You will be given a way to reach the divine who can help your brother. They have reason to believe you will be able to convince him, but it will not be easy. They cannot help you with that. Their relationship with him is rocky although somewhat tolerable.”
“Doesn’t that describe the relationships of most divines from differing pantheons?”
“I do not believe you understand just how much truth you speak.”
“That’s okay. I don’t need to understand. I just need to beat this divine until he gives me what I want.”
“In most cases, I would not recommend that course of action when dealing with a divine, but there is the potential that might work with him.”
“Seriously?”
“I am quite serious. As the divine in question does not surface often, you will need the appropriate power in order to survive where you need to go. One of the Egyptian divines will be providing that for you, although I have been asked to bestow that gift for you with a little help from Him.”
“He is willing to step in? For this?”
“Debts are important for Him, and He has a vested interest in this child’s life. One day, you will understand. As I am the relay for this agreement, it is in His interest to ensure all goes well.”
“Okay. This won’t kill me or anything, will it?”
“You will find it will have the exact opposite result.”
“Well, as I like living, please tell them I’m very appreciative of that.”
“I shall do so.”
“The divine. Which one is it? It seems rude to show up and just make demands.”
“Lucifer is the one who can help you.”
Shit. “You are a feathered freak. You told me I was going to hell because you knew the Devil is the only one who might be able to help me.”
“Yes. I certainly did.”
For a long moment, all I could do was stare in utter awe that someone with such a good, benevolent reputation could be that much of an asshole. “I think I could love you.”
Michael laughed. “I appreciate that, Darlene, but my good nature would inevitably drive you insane within a few hours of keeping company with me. I am pleased to help you with this task, as my fallen brother deserves everything you will do to him on your quest to restore your brother to a more appropriate form.”
“He’d like if I beat on him, wouldn’t he?”
“He is not called the Lord of Hugs. There is a reason for this. He is the Lord of Sin, the Lord of Lies, and the Warden of the Hells. You will find his sense of humor twisted at best. That is what an eternity of being the gatekeeper does to a soul. The Egyptians did not even whisper the hint of a lie on this matter. You have all of the tools in your possession to get what you want, with the exception of being able to fully survive in my brother’s many hells. He will help you with that on behalf of the Egyptians. After all, only He truly understands my brother’s full powers, and the Egyptians would not repay you for your help with your death.”
“Dying would not help my cause.”
“Precisely.”
“What time does this ship arrive?”
“It will reach the harbor in an hour, but it will be another two hours after that for someone to remember the child.”
I wasn’t sure who I hated more at that moment, the monsters who’d turned my brother into a chipmunk or the ones responsible for a baby’s misery. “And if I show up early to remind them?”
“That would lead to her being in your hands sooner, yes.”
Fuck it. “Get the cops off my back. I’ll go get the kid.”
“While I can do this, it would result in some of your brother’s crimes coming to light.”
“What are they going to do to a chipmunk? He’s already caged. It’s like a rodent prison.”
“This is a sad truth. I will remind them of this and appeal to their better natures. It does not mean he may not need to pay for his crimes, but he may not need to pay for them quite yet.”
“I can work with that. Just tell them I’m rescuing a baby or something.”
“I will do this for you. Please sit still for a moment. This may sting. I would also be wary of thinking too much about fire for a while, else you may find yourself using magic you do not wish to. Use this fire with a purpose. Accidental incinerations would be distressing for you.”
“You’re trusting me with fire?”
“You certainly can’t wander into my brother’s many hells without protections. I will likewise safeguard your brother, although he will find he will not be able to summon any actual flames like you will be able to.”
“But a fire-breathing chipmunk would be so cool, Michael.”
“No.”
Oh, well. “Sorry, Jonas. I tried.”
My brother squeaked in his travel-sized prison and sulked in the bedding I’d given him.
Michael chuckled. “I will do my best to be gentle with you, but this sort of magic tends to be hard on humans. It will hurt, and you will be stunned for a few minutes. You will come to no lasting harm, however. That much I can promise.”
“Do your worst,” I invited.
He did.
Over the years, I’d gotten into my fair share of fights, and while having my clock cleaned hurt, not a single one of the punches I’d intercepted with my face came close to comparing. I burned from within, and by the time the pain settled to something closer to tolerable, I’d sprouted tails, ears, and a full coat of fur. I hissed at him, flexing my hands. My claws had grown in, too, a sign my body had gone into full defensive mode.
“I would apologize, except I had tried to warn you.”
“So you had.”
“I helped your clothes better fit your current form. I recommend you pick the child up as you are. It will comfort her.”
“It will?”
“She loves cats.”
“But she’s just a baby.”
Something about Michael’s body language made me believe the archangel smiled. “Cats are special to Egyptians. It will make her happy.”
Well, if something so little would make the baby happy, I’d play along. “That leaves my last problem. How, precisely, does one storm the gates of hell?”
“Your first thought is to storm the gates of hell?”
“Well, yes. How else would I gain audience with the Devil?”
“I have not been this entertained yet in this emergence. There are many ways to gain an audience with my brother, but I doubt any of them would be quite as interesting as you choosing to storm the gates of hell. Should your efforts to gain entrance to his many hells fail to go to plan, I will give you his phone number.”
“Excuse me, but did you just say the Devil has a phone number?”
“Yes.”
“They have phone service in hell?”
“He enjoys electricity, too. He is the Devil, Darlene. He is also quite spoiled and requires his luxuries. You will find his domain comfortable—assuming you win an invitation into his actual domain rather than a lengthy visit to his dungeons.”
“I’m receiving mixed signals about him, Michael.”
“I did not say anything positive about him there, Darlene.”