“I know,” Jazz says.
“I love you, cupcake.”
I’m not sure I heard that right until Jazz says, “Love you too.”
A vise wraps my heart. Longing swamps me. In moments like this, I miss having a partner so badly, and I know the girls miss having a mom. Not being able to give them everything they need hurts.
When Kat releases Jazz and stands, my daughter comes over to me, and I pick her up and give her a kiss. “You sure caused a lot of trouble for someone so small.”
I tickle her belly and get a little laugh out of her.
“Can Kat stay for dinner?” Violet asks.
I look at Kat, but she’s shaking her head.
“Not tonight, honey,” she says.
I put Jazz down and tell the girls to head inside, then turn to Kat. “Are you okay?”
She pulls in a breath and lets it out slowly. “I need a long hot shower and a good cry, and I’ll be fine.”
Someone who didn’t know her would think she seemed fragile in the moment. I know she’s anything but. “I’m sorry we’ve been causing you so much trouble.”
“You’re not.” She puts her hands on her hips. “I just…I don’t, you know, do kids well.”
“From where I’m standing, you handle them as well as I do.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Trust your instincts, baby. You’re amazing in so many ways.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you headed home? I can take you.”
“No, I need the walk.”
She turns, but I touch her arm. “Can I come by later?”
“I don’t want you to leave the girls.”
“Jackie’s coming over to help Violet with a project.”
Kat sighs. “I don’t know. This is starting to feel…heavy.”
“Best thing we can do is talk about it.”
“Fine. No guarantee what mood I’ll be in.”
“If I can handle their moods, I can certainly handle yours.”
She gives me a half smile and turns, walking toward the marina. I watch her go with a fresh wave of emotion coursing through my veins and filling my heart. I can’t seem to allow myself to admit how much I care about her, because logically, I know no one can fall in love in a month’s time. But damn, my heart hasn’t heard anything about that rule, and it’s pounding out of my chest with an emotion I can only describe as love. Something different than I’ve ever felt before. Different from what I had with Jana. Not better, not worse, just…so damn different. The idea that I could love two women so differently isn’t something I ever imagined.
Maybe it’s just a transference of sorts. Or maybe I’m confusing love and gratitude.
Then a memory floods my mind. One from our night together. That moment when all the passion was sated. When I usually want to put distance between myself and the other person again. When I expected Kat to want the same. Only we both just lay together, touching and kissing and talking and laughing. For hours.
The realization hits me like a blow. Holy fuck. I really am in love with her.
An icy tendril snakes through my chest and lands in my gut. It’s hard to imagine how this will ever work out considering her dreams and my responsibilities. Do I just enjoy her until she leaves, knowing she’s not in it for the long haul? Or do I end things now, before I’m head over heels?
I’m not sure one way would hurt any less than the other.
As she disappears around a bend, I mutter, “I’m so fucking screwed.”
15
KT
By the time I get back to the marina, the construction crew is gone. And I’m wiped out—emotionally, physically, and my heart hurts too.
Levi’s boat is docked alongside the houseboat we consider Laiyla’s. I’m glad it’s dark so they can’t see what a wreck I am. Then I run into Chloe as she’s leaving Laiyla’s houseboat on her way to her own, which is next to mine.
“There you are,” she says. “We heard about Jazz being down here on the—” She takes a closer look at me, and her brows snap together. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, fine. What are you doing?”
“Moving boats. Laiyla took her things to Levi’s house, so I’m moving into Laiyla’s boat because it’s a little bigger and will give us both more privacy.”
“Okay. What can I do?”
“Sweetie, you work too hard as it is.” She passes me. “But walk with me. What’s going on? Is Jazz okay?”
“Yeah.” I breathe the word, savoring the relief as I follow Chloe into her houseboat. I sit on the futon in the living room, while Chloe collects more clothes from her drawers. “God, she was so lucky. I can’t stop thinking about how many things could have gone horribly wrong.”
“Levi and Laiyla are talking about fencing the whole property. They don’t want to take any unnecessary chances with so many kids in town. Seems like an unnecessary expenditure to me, given that there are so many other entry points to the lake, but I guess for liability’s sake it might be a good idea.”
“I’m all for it. Jazz may still have wandered off, but she would never have made it to the water if there was a fence.”
“True,” Chloe says. “Did you finally talk to Ben?”
“Given that I fired his babysitter, I kinda had to stay with the girls until he got home, so yeah, I talked to Ben.”
Chloe’s gaze snaps toward me so fast, her hair flies out behind her. “You what?”
I tell her the story. By the time I’m done, she’s sitting beside me on the futon and we’ve both got a glass of red wine in our hands.
“I really admire your ability to do and say whatever it takes to stay on the right side of things,” Chloe says. “You’re so special.”
I laugh. “I’m special all right.”
“Sounds like Ben’s pretty special too.” She studies her wine. “He’s a whole different kind of guy for you. Maybe you’ve finally found your fit. He’s more mature than your hookups, probably because he’s been through more tough stuff—married young, lost his wife young, got through medical school, residency, working in the ER. He’s understanding, loving, and patient because of his girls. He’s accepting of you being unapologetically you, which is a huge plus, because you are amazing in so many ways, and he sees that. He’s obviously intelligent, which I think you’d find exciting, because while you play it down, you’re one smart woman.
“I think having a driven, intelligent, loving man is exactly what you’ve been needing. And I think you know all this subconsciously but aren’t willing to accept it because that would mean making tough choices, and change is scary. So is truly giving your heart to someone. You’ve spent the last decade essentially alone—no family.”
“You and Laiyla and Levi are my family.”
“You know what I mean. You’ve had to be the one holding everything together in your life—work, friendships, finances. And during that decade, you’ve put systems into place that keep you on an even keel. Ben and the girls would change the whole balance of your boat. You’d have to make some pretty significant changes to recapture that equilibrium. I think that’s as scary to you as giving him your heart. Maybe even scarier, because in a lot of ways, an unbalanced boat signals danger to you, and danger, in your world, means drowning.”