My mind is spinning around this new central idea Chloe has presented. I’m not sure if it resonates because she used a boating analogy, but it’s spot-on. “Damn. You’re good at this.”
She shakes her head. “I’m just more self-aware. When you do deep spiritual work, it opens you up and shows you things about yourself you weren’t willing to see. It’s always positive, because you can’t make changes until you see the problem. So even if you don’t like what you find, you have the power to make a change.”
I mull over the ideas. “You’re right. Change is a problem for me. Trusting is hard for me.”
“I’m right there with you, but I know we’re both capable of it. Look at you now. If I’d told you seven months ago this is where you’d be and that you’d be happy, you would never have believed me.”
I finish my wine and set the glass on the coffee table. “None of that helps me make the biggest decision—stay with Ben and the girls, or go live my dream.”
“Do they have to be mutually exclusive? What about a happy medium?”
I try to force my head that direction, but my brain hurts, and my vision is fuzzy. “I can’t see what that would look like.”
“Maybe they could spend school holidays on the boat with you,” Chloe says. “Maybe a month of the summer. And maybe you could sail or fly back here for visits. Between you coming here and him going there, you might be able to find something that works for all of you.”
A lightning strike of excitement burns down my spine. “I love the sound of that. I can’t believe it, but I do.”
“If you work it out so you’re not going too long between visits, you won’t have to worry about that intense sex drive of yours either. I mean, look at you, alive and well without sex for six whole months.”
“Smartass.”
“Point being, you won’t have to worry about that while you’re at sea.”
I try to envision myself stopping somewhere new, meeting men, and being friends but not having sex with them. I used to navigate that line with my work colleagues all the time. Yeah, that skill is definitely in my toolbox.
“You’ve given me a lot to think about. It’s hard for me to see Ben going for it, but he’s been surprising me since we met.”
“Just let the idea sit with you and try to focus on letting go of all the fears that come up. See what the universe brings you. It’s always—”
“As good or better,” we say at the same time.
The belief that the universe has even bigger, better things planned than anyone could imagine is one that has worked for me in the past—in my career, my friends, life opportunities. Maybe it’s even happened with Ben. He’s definitely more than I ever hoped for in a man. And Chloe’s idea is certainly one I would not have thought of myself.
I lean over and hug Chloe. “Thanks. You’re amazing, you know that?”
“Some days.” She hugs me back. “Others are still hard.”
“You must have really loved Bodhi,” I say. “His cheating has really thrown a wrench into your self-esteem.”
“I’m realizing it’s less about what Bodhi did and more about me—what I chose to see in him, what I allowed to slide. It’s so much easier to work on others’ problems than your own.” She grins and gestures with her wine. “So bring yours anytime. I’m always a ready cheerleader for you, girl.”
“Thanks.”
I leave Chloe’s houseboat with a lot to think about, but I realize a little hope has lifted my spirit. A long, hot shower helps too. I wrap a towel around me, flop belly down on my bed, and open my computer to troll the boat sales sites. I’ve been focused on getting something just big enough for me and an occasional guest, but if I’m going to entertain this new idea, I need to look into the possibility of a larger boat. One I can handle on my own, but with enough space for Ben and the girls. Also, one I can still afford.
I open another tab and pull up my Google calendar. And another with the girls’ schools’ calendars. I pop their vacation dates into my calendar starting fall next year, because I’ll be here at least through June. Longer if I can’t find the right boat.
There’s Labor Day, Columbus Day, then comes Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year. And, wow, I’m suddenly planning a year in advance. I’ve never done that before. I’ve never planned around a school calendar either. They’ve got way more holidays than I remember. Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Presidents’ Day, then I’m already at spring break. Then Memorial Day, and poof, back to summer.
“Wow.” A wave of something light and giddy tickles my stomach. “We could see each other a lot more than I thought.”
I’m distracted, so I don’t hear Ben until he’s at the door.
“Kat?”
By the time I slam the cover of my laptop, he’s already inside. I bend my knees and swing my feet as I look over my shoulder, hoping to distract him from the stupidly guilty move.
He’s grinning as he enters the bedroom and curls his hand around my foot. He’s changed into jeans and a T-shirt. “I caught you watching porn, didn’t I?”
That makes me laugh out loud. “You’re all the porn I need, Latham.”
Heat flashes in his eyes. “Am I?”
“Hell, yes.”
His hand slides over my calf, up the back of my thigh, and under the towel to squeeze my ass. Heat spills between my legs. “Wish I’d gotten here a few minutes sooner. Would have liked to shower with you.”
“Could have fooled me.” I try not to sound surly about it. “Haven’t heard one word since the last time. Beginning to think you didn’t have as much fun as I did.”
He sinks one knee onto the bed and eases down, half on top of me, half beside me. He covers my hand with his and threads our fingers, then kisses my bare shoulder. The feel of his weight and warmth, the scent of his skin, coils around my heart, soothing the bruises.
“You know that’s not true.”
“Actually, I don’t. I thought you might have felt guilty, like you were cheating on Jana. Or that when you had time to think about it, you realized that what we have doesn’t compare to what you had with her, so I might have satisfied your body but not your heart, and you were ultimately disappointed.”
He doesn’t immediately answer, and I brace for rejection. Normally, rejection slides off my shell-like exterior, but I already know Ben’s will pierce my armor.
“That’s pretty insightful, but untrue.” He pulls his hand from mine and sweeps my hair off my neck, where he kisses me again. “How would you know that? Have you lost someone?”
“No, but my dad did, and we had long, open talks about my mother and the women he dated after her.”
“The out-to-sea effect?”
“Yep.”
He goes quiet, and I let the moment float, loving the feel of his warm body against mine.
“I can’t tell you how much what you did today means to me,” he says. “Those girls are everything, they’re my world, and I just can’t be everywhere at once. If something happened to one of them…” He lets out a long breath. “I really don’t know how I’d cope.”