As I turn the corner toward the house, a smile is tugging at my mouth and my heart feels light. Until I come up on the entrance to the marina and realize I killed that dream before it even had time to materialize.
I make a split-second decision to turn, and instead of continuing home, I pull to a stop near Kat’s truck. The docks are quiet. I know Violet isn’t here because she’s got gymnastics practice this afternoon, but I don’t see or hear Kat either, and there’s no construction happening on the market at the front of the property. Kat probably ended work early today. She’s either in her houseboat or with one of the other women.
I should leave. I don’t even know why I stopped. Maybe just to feel closer to her.
I’m about to take my foot off the brake and turn around when I see movement on the dock. Chloe just left her houseboat and is headed toward the parking lot. Now I have to stay and say hi or I’ll look like a creepy stalker.
Chloe waves, and I roll down my window. She’s smiling as she comes up to the driver’s side of the car. “Hey, you.” She looks into the SUV. “No kids?”
“On my way home from work. I forgot Violet wasn’t coming today.”
“For the rest of the week, actually. KT went out of town.”
That surprises me. “She did?” It’s none of my business, but I ask anyway. “Where?”
“Guatemala.”
That surprises me even more. Then I think of Jaime, and all my muscles coil tight again. I can’t help but wonder if she’s rebounding with the old flame somewhere tropical and—
“She got a lead on a sailboat,” Chloe says. “Said it’s the exact kind she’s been looking for. Supposedly, a deal she couldn’t pass up.”
“Oh.” The word comes out on an exhale. “Did she…go with anyone?”
“No, she doesn’t need anyone.” Chloe grins. “I swear she knows more about sailboats than the navy.”
She doesn’t need anyone. The phrase pulls up a vivid memory from about a month ago and Kat saying, I never need anyone. Least of all a man. I never have. But, that said, there’s no denying that I want you. I want you more than I’ve wanted anyone in longer than I can remember.
My gut aches, but I force a smile. “Thanks.”
“Are you doing okay?” Chloe asks, more serious. “KT told me you two called things off.”
I release a long breath. “Yeah, I did.” I rest my elbow on the window ledge and rub my forehead. “I don’t know what I am, but I’ve got three little girls who need me to be okay, so…”
“The show goes on.”
“Yep.”
Chloe doesn’t turn to leave. She doesn’t ask any questions. She just waits with a still, solid presence I find soothing.
“Kat always says she’s at a disadvantage because she’s never been in a relationship,” I say, “but in truth, I think she’s coping with all this way better than I ever did.”
“She’s extremely self-confident, but when it comes to vulnerability, she stumbles.” Chloe hikes the strap of her yoga mat higher up her shoulder. “I think we all do to some extent. Protecting ourselves in the face of perceived harm is hardwired into our DNA. Maybe that’s just what you were doing when you ended things. Protecting yourself and your daughters.”
I give an absent nod.
“But I’ll tell you what I told her,” Chloe says. “Without vulnerability, there is no connection. Without connection, there is only isolation.”
I stare at her a minute, trying to get my mind around the idea.
“That’s all the wisdom I can share today,” Chloe says, extra perky. “I’ve got thirty men and women waiting for sweaty torture.”
That makes me laugh, and Chloe continues to her car and waves on the way out of the lot, but I sit there, staring at the empty marina. Without Kat here, all the sparkle of the place fades until the lake seems two-dimensional and lifeless. Colorless. Without Kat here, there is no glow.
My life feels the same way. And sitting here looking at the emptiness of the marina, I see my future without Kat. Quiet, dark, lifeless.
Sure, I can easily get caught up in the whirlwind of filling the needs of my daughters, giving them the best life I can, but that’s not a full life for me. That’s existing.
I realize in that instant that without Kat, the scope of my life has already narrowed back down to that tiny window I was seeing through when I arrived.
I make a U-turn and continue toward home with depression lying across my shoulders. I’m happy she found the boat she wanted, but I’m sad it’s not the catamaran. I’m glad she’s strong enough to handle the end of our relationship well, but I’m angry with myself for pushing it until we broke.
But once I walk in the house and the girls run to me for hugs, I know that even if my view is only ten percent of what life has to offer, it’s the most important and precious ten percent.
Poppy and the nanny have cooked dinner, and after the nanny leaves, I’m caught in a whirlwind of homework, showers, and bedtime stories.
My last stop before I return to the kitchen to clean up is Violet’s room, where she’s tucked into her pretty pink bedding, warm golden light spilling over her from the nightstand lamp. I drop to a seat beside her, brush her hair from her forehead, and kiss her there. “Good night, honey.”
“Daddy?”
“Mmm-hmm?”
Her blue eyes meet mine. “Can you be friends with Kat again?”
My heart hitches a beat. “We are friends.”
“No, I mean the way you were before, when you liked each other.”
I sigh and search for an explanation an eleven-year-old would understand.
“Because neither of you are happy anymore,” she says.
I’m annoyed with myself for not covering my feelings better. “I am happy, honey.”
“Not the way you were when you were with Kat. And she’s not happy either. You both try to pretend, and you both suck at it.”
I huff a laugh, but it’s both surprising and heartbreaking to hear Kat is hurting too. I didn’t realize that I assumed she’d gone on with life as if I was nothing but a blip on her radar until now.
“When you and Kat liked each other, it’s the happiest you’ve been since Mama got sick.”
That hits me hard. To realize she’s been watching me suffer for years feels like a blow that will be hard to recover from.
“Why don’t you like each other anymore?”
“We do, honey. I can’t speak for Kat, but I think the reason we’re both a little down is because we both like each other a lot.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
Her impression of an annoyed adult makes me laugh, but she’s serious. I won’t be getting out of this conversation without a solid explanation.
“The problem is that we want different things from life right now.” I explain that there are seasons in life like there are throughout the year. “Kat is at a time in her life where she wants to travel, and I’m at a time when I’m focused on raising you and your sisters.”
“Why can’t we do all that together?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Honey, life isn’t quite that easy to manipulate.”