“I messed up,” Kelley said. “I’m not—I wasn’t trying to . . . even though it’s exactly what I did, I’m not trying . . . Emira, look at me. I more than just like you.”
With her coat pressed into her gut, Emira stood frozen against the door and felt her heart beat into it. She said, “Okay.”
Kelley pressed his lips together. He stuck his hands in his pockets and bent slightly to meet her eyes. “Do you get what I mean by that?”
Emira nodded and looked back to her shoes. She wiped her eye with her pinky finger, looked up, and said, “Fuck.”
An hour later, Emira sat in Kelley’s bed. In the living room, Kelley Skyped with his family in Florida and she listened to the way his voice changed from parents to siblings to grandparents to nephew, and then to a very old dog who wandered into frame. Emira grabbed her phone and texted a list to herself. When she heard Kelley say good-bye, she walked with the lit-up screen into the living room. It was dark and the snow sent spots from outside the window over her bare feet.
“I have things to say.”
Kelley closed his laptop and swiveled his chair to face her. Emira stood pantless and held her phone in both hands.
“I know I have to quit,” she said. “I know that I can’t stay there, and that . . . raising Briar isn’t my job. But I just need to do it on my own terms. I turn twenty-six next week.” Emira grinned sadly. “And . . . I’m gonna be kicked off my parents’ health insurance. I’ve known for a while that this wasn’t exactly sustainable, but I just . . . yeah, I need to figure it out on my own.”
“I completely understand,” he said. “And I didn’t forget your birthday.”
“I’m not done yet,” Emira stopped him. She looked back to her phone. “Number two. You gotta stop bringing up that tape from Market Depot.”
Kelley placed his elbows on the desk behind him.
“Like . . . I get it,” Emira said. “You have a weirdly large amount of black friends, you saw Kendrick Lamar in concert, and now you have a black girlfriend . . . great. But I need you to get that like . . . being angry and yelling in a store means something different for me than it would for you, even though I was in the right. And I get that you wanna stick it to Mrs. Chamberlain or whatever to avenge your high school friend, but her life wouldn’t change at all. Mine would. And I don’t want anyone seeing it, especially as I start to look for a job.”
Kelley nodded in long, slow dips. “Okay . . . I don’t exactly agree,” he warned. “I remember that night very well, and I really thought you kept your cool much more than anyone would expect . . . but I also respect that. And I won’t bring it up again.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
“Okay, and last thing . . . ?” Emira put a hand to her neck. “You can’t take me to bars like that anymore.”
Kelley squinted. Then he tipped his head back, and she watched him appear to realize what he’d done, and why she was bringing it up now. “Okay . . . that was another mistake. But if it makes a difference, I’ve been there twice before, and I wouldn’t have taken you somewhere uncomfortable on purpose.”
“Well, yeah, but, that’s the point. You think it’s comfortable because it’s always been that way for you.”
Emira and Kelley talked about race very little because it always seemed like they were doing it already. When she really considered a life with him, a real life, a joint-bank-account-emergency-contact-both-names-on-the-lease life, Emira almost wanted to roll her eyes and ask, Are we really gonna do this? How are you gonna tell your parents? If I’d walked in here when they were still on the screen, how would you have introduced me? Are you gonna take our son to get his hair done? Who’s gonna teach him that it doesn’t matter what his friends do, that he can’t stand too close to white women when he’s on the train or in an elevator? That he should slowly and noticeably put his keys on the roof as soon as he gets pulled over? Or that there are times our daughter should stand up for herself, and times to pretend it was a joke that she didn’t quite catch. Or that when white people compliment her (“She’s so professional. She’s always on time”), it doesn’t always feel good, because sometimes people are gonna be surprised by the fact that she showed up, rather than the fact that she had something to say when she did.
“I don’t know . . .” Emira struggled. “Lemme try to say this. You get real fired up when we talk about that night at Market Depot. But I don’t need you to be mad that it happened. I need you to be mad that it just like . . . happens. I’m also not asking you to boycott places or anything. Mrs. Chamberlain makes a big deal about not going to Market Depot anymore and it’s like umm, okay, the other stores are mad far, but it’s your life. But it’s the same thing for you. Like—I don’t want you to change your life because of me. If you wanna go to that bar without me, whatever. Just try to remember that we have different experiences. John Wayne said a lot of fucked-up shit and I’d rather not stare at his face while I have a drink.”
Kelley poked his lips out in a way that let her know he wouldn’t forget. “I can be better about that.”
“Okay.”
“Can I also just say . . .” Kelley added, “I wasn’t trying to act like you can’t get a new job on your own. I know you can.”
“I know . . . well, ha, we’ll see. Maybe I will need your help in case Mrs. Chamberlain fires me or whatever.” Emira shook her head and clicked her phone to dark. “Which she better not. I’m babysitting every day next week ’cause she’ll be out of town till Friday and I need that money like, yesterday.”
“Emira. If I know anything about Alex, it’s that she definitely won’t fire you.”
“She might if she’s as bothered by us dating as you were.”
“No way,” Kelley said. “She would never fire you because it would say more about her than it would about you. Not to mention, now she knows there’s a video of you being mistreated because of where she sent you.”
“Kelley, she’s sent me there about a hundred times. It may have even been my idea. I’m sorry, but I think you’re the only one who sees it that way.”
“Okay, fine. But listen, I obviously think you should start looking in the New Year, but for now, your job is safe. If I were you, I’d take the money and show that kid a really good time before you leave.”
Emira crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the floor. She pictured Briar, hiccuping with each breath, and the way she always pointed to the ceiling when she was about to say something true. Emira pointed her toe on the dark wood floor and said, “That’s an interesting way of looking at it.”