He cleared his throat. “I guess they feel responsible. I think my mom’s convinced that if she had taken me to church more as a kid maybe I’d work in a bank or something now.”
“I know what you mean.”
He lowered his fork and frowned. Clara was a parent’s dream. Polite, respectful, studious. What more could her family want?
Pain washed across her face. “I resent my own mother for taking my family’s decisions so personally. She wears other people’s mistakes like scars. Like she’s keeping score of all our crimes against her. I had a clean ledger until I moved out here and veered off the chosen course. But now . . . it would be easier to face her if she lowered the bar.”
Josh never considered the cost Clara might have paid for her freedom. That they were both running from something. That they might have something in common after all.
“I’m not mad at my mom,” he said. “Not exactly. I get where she’s coming from. No parent dreams of their kid growing up and making porn. But it’s hard, carrying around the weight of her disappointment. I think if she and my dad supported me, even if they didn’t understand, hell, even if they didn’t like it, it would be easier to bear the rest of society looking at me like I’m dirt under their shoe.”
“Do people really look at you like that?”
“I mean, not everyone knows what I do. It’s not like I’m walking down the street handing out dick-shaped business cards.”
Clara covered her mouth with her hand. “Do you have those?” Her eyes had gone almost completely round.
“No. Although it’s not a bad marketing idea. People find out anyway. It almost always comes up at parties. My buddies from high school think it’s funny.” He gave a small, bitter laugh. “I don’t mind the scorn so much. At least those people usually keep their distance. The handsy ones are worse. The ones who think my job turns my body into public property.”
“You mean people grab you?”
“Oh sure. You ever had a guy brush against you on the subway when you know he could have avoided it? Or maybe you’re standing at the bar and some bro puts his hand on your lower back to ‘scoot by’?”
“Ugh, yes.” She glared.
“It’s like that. I get a lot of unwelcome hands in places I’m too polite to mention. When people find out I perform, they stop seeing me as a man. It’s like in their eyes suddenly I’m a big fat Christmas ham. Everyone wants to carve off a slice.”
“I’m so sorry,” Clara said.
Josh stared at his food. “Lots of people have it worse. Almost every woman I know working in the industry has stories about experiencing harassment, even abuse.” How many times had Naomi come home spitting because someone tried to take advantage of her? Tried to make her do things she didn’t want to and often had explicitly refused? Josh tried to use what little power he had to protect her, but the power imbalance remained overwhelming, and besides, he couldn’t protect everyone.
“It’s not a zero-sum game. Acknowledging your pain doesn’t take away from anyone else’s.”
“Thanks, but enough about my pain.” He smiled to let her know he wasn’t fatally wounded. “That’s my cap on feelings for one night.” He balanced his plate on his thigh and reached for his comic book on the coffee table. “I’m going to spend the rest of the night with the X-Men.”
Clara scooted closer. “What’s going on there?” She pointed at a panel.
“Mystique is about to steal Forge’s interference transmitter.”
A moment later, she stopped his progress with a hand on his arm. “Wait, I’m not done with that page!”
Tingles raced toward his shoulder. “More exciting than work, huh?”
“I feel like I’m going cross-eyed trying to find something interesting in all those files. Ever since Jill hired me to work on Toni Granger’s reelection campaign, I’ve been trying to combat the fact that I’m completely unqualified with a rigorous dedication to research. Granger’s office delivered like thirty boxes of these documents for us to go through to help craft our PR angle. Lawyers love paperwork.”
“I’ve heard that,” Josh said. “If I help you look through these boring files for let’s say, thirty minutes, would you be allowed to take a break and watch a movie? I’m worried about your big brain combusting.”
“Oh my gosh. That would be amazing.” She handed him a huge pile. “But who gets to pick the movie?”
“Obviously me.”
“Why obviously you?”
“Because I’m the one saving you from early-onset cataracts.”
“Fine.” She resumed reading. “But can we please watch Speed?”
His eyebrows sank together. “You like Speed?”
“No.” She highlighted something on the paper. “I love Speed.”
“You mean you love Keanu Reeves?”
“Are you trying to minimize my excellent taste in movies to a mere celebrity crush?”
“Oh no. I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Good. Because I’ll have you know I am a dedicated and lifelong fan of the action movie genre.” Clara reached for a set of documents at her feet. “I actually wanted to ask you about one of these.” She handed him a file. “Does the name Black Hat mean anything to you? I thought I came across the name in one of those articles that popped up when I Googled you.”
He wanted to tease her about reading his press coverage, but the quip died as he paused on the third line. “Wait a minute . . .”
“What is it?” Clara leaned to read over his shoulder. Her tits brushed against his shoulder and he almost yelped. He definitely needed to lift his embargo on masturbating to the thought of her. He couldn’t risk even platonic touching until he got his rocks off again. Josh would have called one of his regular hookups—hell, he’d even considered driving by Naomi’s place—but he knew his strike would last longer if he avoided people in the business who would tell him to suck it up and get back to work. A little intercourse hiatus wouldn’t cause any permanent damage. Probably.
Josh could feel her breath against his neck. He turned his head only to find their faces closer together than he’d anticipated. Clara had something shiny on her lips, making them pinker than normal. He found himself staring at them, imagining them wrapped around his . . .
“Do I have a booger?” She rubbed her nose. “If I do, you have to tell me.”
“Relax. Your nose is as clean as a whistle.” Josh directed his eyes back to the page in front of him.