“Where are you going?” a girl at my side asked.
I turned my head to see a familiar face. Blonde hair. Black eyes. A girl who reminded me of my mum. “What are you doing here?” She was an hour away from Surrey. Come to think of it, I had no idea where she actually lived. “You shouldn’t be here.” I knew what I was trying to say, but I didn’t know if the words were coming out correctly. On the tip of my tongue, they felt right, but she looked into my eyes as if I’d spoken a different language.
With eyes glazed over and lips painted red, she transformed back to the drunken girl I’d met the first night with Jinx. Leigh grabbed my hand and led me out the front door. As soon as we stepped into the night, wind blew between us, sweeping her little skirt up to reveal her bare naked arse. It was then when I noticed her attire, miniskirt, and cropped shirt as her blonde hair flowed around her shoulders and down her back. She turned to face me before falling over the grass, giggling, and taking me down with her.
“Your dick is hard,” she pointed out. I hadn’t noticed and didn’t know why. It must have been the drug. It was doing things to me I didn’t ask for.
“Yeah,” was the only reply I could think to say because I had no control over anything else. Not moving my arms. Not getting back to my feet. I looked up into the stars and focused on the moon, wishing it could talk back to me. Where’s Mia? It was the only question I’d ever asked the round faceless circle in the sky. It only taunted me in return.
Leigh straddled my hips, planting her bare feet on both sides. “Warm me up then.”
My eyes dragged from the sky to her as she ground out a desperate rhythm against my pants. Another wind twisted her hair into its breeze, and my eyes followed the direction back to the sky. “We can’t,” I gritted out, arms heavy at my side.
Her cold finger hit my lips. “She’s not here, Oliver. She’s gone, remember?” The same finger trailed down my chest until it hit the button on my jeans.
My gaze stayed on the moon as I drifted in and out of consciousness. With my body sedated, emotions charged through me at her words, bringing tears to my eyes. I felt one slip from the corner, and it slid down the side of my face before it met the dying grass. I was fucked up and crying as Leigh relentlessly tried to dry hump me into submission, and I never felt so alone.
“You’re just like your father,” mum seethed earlier with a stick between her lips. “I can’t even look at you. Eat your food.” She turned from the table, and I went back to spooning the porridge into my mouth, quietly. I didn’t mean to upset her. She was upset about the money spent on food this week, which I couldn’t understand because Oscar was gone, and it was just mum and me. But I told her everything would be okay, and she didn’t like that.
But as I lay here under the windowsill, all I can think about now is my dad. Who is he, and why isn’t he here? Did I have his eyes, and does he like to read? I’m the only one with green eyes, so they have to be my dad’s, right? Why does mum hate him so much?
There are no numbers in the kitchen. No clock. The electricity is out, and it’s dark. I use the street light coming through the window to read a few more chapters until mum finally comes through the door. Her heel broke, and she’s stumbling into the kitchen. The cupboards bang, drawers slam, and I know it’s going to be one of those nights.
“Where are my fucking cigarettes,” she mumbles, and a dish shatters against the linoleum. I sit upright, shove my book under my arse, and pin my back against the wall. She ripped up the last book when she was like this, and the lady with the brown eyes at the library gave me one more chance. “Did you hide my shit?”
Mum’s in my face, her eyes look weird, cross-eyed, and her jumbled blonde hair smells horrid. I shake my head violently, afraid of what she will do next. I didn’t hide her cigarettes. She ran out. I make sure to count them. It’s the only way to prepare, but I’ve never seen her like this before—this angry. She’s leaning to one side, and her eyes grow bigger. Mum yanks me from the sill and throws me over the bed. Maybe I get to sleep with her finally. Perhaps she’ll finally hold me, keep me warm.
“You worthless piece of shit,” she straddles me and shoves a pillow over my face. With her entire weight pressed against my chest, my stomach, my lungs, I can’t breathe. “I wish I never had you!” A force digs against the pillow and tears burn in my eyes, but they can’t fall. The pressure is too much, and I want to close my eyes, but I can’t. The pillow is blocking preventing me. I can’t close my eyes. I can’t breathe. I try to move my arms, but they’re pinned to my sides between her legs. I try to turn my head. If only I could close my eyes.
Minutes past, and she’s screaming at me as my body is jerking for air, my chest begging for relief. My eyes can’t close, but it’s still dark. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My chest is burning. My lungs are burning. My brain is burning. I’m on fire.
And then it all stops.
It’s not dark anymore.
There’s a light, but it’s brief before Mum’s terrified features replace it.
“Come back! Oliver, come back!” Mum cries, jerking her head from side to side as she’s pulling back from my face. I gasp for air, and tears finally waterfall down my cheeks as I blink rapidly. “I’m so sorry,” she sputters through sobs. Mum lifts me from the bed and holds me in her arms. “I’m so sorry.”
The sound of my zipper pulled me out and gave me a burst of energy, and before Leigh managed to have her way with me, I rolled out from under her until my chest met the ground.
A slap against my bare arse woke me. “Rise and shine, Oliver,” a voice called out, and I opened one eye to see Adrian with a big white smile. “Pull up your pants. You’re frightening the kids.”
The blinding sun glared from above. Groaning, I lifted myself onto my forearm and pulled up my pants before rolling on to my back. Despite the morning chill, the poison from last night drained from my pores. “James and Reggi, are they all right?”
“Oh, they’re all right, alright,” Adrian laughed as we clasped each other’s forearms, and he pulled me into a sitting position over the front lawn. My cigarettes were tossed in my lap as he slapped my back with his other hand.
I lit the match and pulled the cigarette to my mouth. The crisp menthol oozed down my throat and filled my lungs, and my eyes closed once the wicked high from the nicotine soothed me. “Last night was fucked up,” I stated as the cigarette smoke mixed with the cold air. My arms draped over my bent knees, and I hung my head. “This isn’t me. This isn’t who I am or what I stand for.”
“Is this any of us, really?” Adrian blew out a long and hesitant sigh. “Listen, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell ya.” I tilted my head, eyes squinting from the sun. Adrian rolled his head back and cracked his knuckles. “Last night, I overheard Dex talking to those two wankers about you.”
“Yeah? What about me?”
“About a lead or some shit.”
My heart jumped into my throat. I tried to swallow it back down.
Adrian rubbed his palms together. “They didn’t want to tell you. They knew you wouldn’t have completed the rival raid last night if you knew.”