I rejected it.
Because no matter how deep our connection was, and no matter the strength of our bond, nothing would ever be enough. No one could break the already broken. My mind and heart existed on two different playing fields. My worthless heart was the slave while my mind was the master.
Fear was the biggest culprit, lurking in the shadows outside the walls that rebuilt in a matter of seconds. It was Guilt who took over my senses, and it was Anger who controlled my body and drove out my soul. While my barriers were down, it was these three demons that haunted me whenever I was alone. And eventually, I would be alone again. It was inevitable.
So, up the walls went like clockwork. My subconscious was my shield, having complete control. I tried to hold on—with every fiber of my being—to the rapture we had created together, but the master of my heart ultimately won. The rage formed by my three demons took over, drowning out any remaining chance of my heart staying with him.
Ollie noticed the shift in my eyes immediately.
“No, Mia.” He shook his head. “Fuck. Stay with me.” He cupped my face in his hands, but I pushed him off me. My rage escalated, and it was too late. My feet found the floor as I searched for my clothes.
“Bloody hell, slow down and come here,” Ollie whisper-shouted as he brought the sheet around him and sat over the edge of the bed, confusion clear across his face. Ignoring him, I slipped my jeans back on and threw a random shirt over my head. Unable to sit still, I paced the dorm, my head shaking the moment away.
“Please, you have to talk to me,” Ollie pressed as he got into his pants. I glanced over at him, and despair struck in his green eyes.
My feet took long steps toward him, and I pushed him once in the chest. “What the hell was that?” I hit him again. He became my anger. He became my muse. He became everything hiding inside me, and he was the one to bring it all out—and I hated him. With a passion, I hated him. My arms flung at him as I screamed out. “What did you do to me?!”
Ollie gripped my flailing arms and turned me around to pin my back against his long torso. “I fucking hate you!” I screamed, and Ollie placed his hand over my mouth to silence me.
“I’ll be your punching bag if it’s what you need,” he choked out. “Whatever it will take to get you past this.”
I jerked my head from his hand and turned to face him. “Get past this? Am I a game to you? A conquest?”
His eyes glossed over—hazy. He shook his head as tears gathered at the corners, threatening to fall. “God, no, Mia. I care about you, alright? More than I’ve ever cared for anyone or anything.”
“You need to leave. Now.” I reached my breaking point, and Ollie reached his.
“No, I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what you’re feeling.”
“Right now, I feel … I feel …” I searched inside me, and there was absolutely nothing. “I told you I don’t feel, Ollie. What the hell do you want from me?”
Ollie took a step back and whispered, “You, Mia. I just want you.” He studied my face for a moment as his tears held on by a thread. All it would take was one blink of his eyes, and they would roll down his cheeks.
There was so much he wanted to say, but I was already gone, and Ollie was defeated.
He let my arms go, took in a deep breath, and glanced around the room until he located his shirt. “You hate me. It’s a feeling, and I’ll take it for now, but we have something, Mia. I don’t know what it is yet, but it’s real, and it’s rare, and I’m not letting it go. You can deny it and push it down as much as you want, but we’re both here for a reason, and until you start realizing what’s going on, I’ll be the one to show you.” He paused and slipped his shirt over his head. “I’ll continue to fight for as long as it takes.”
I glanced up at Ollie in silence as his lively eyes searched mine one last time, but there was no going back to him. He closed his eyes, let out a breath, then turned and walked out the door.
Inevitable.
Life with Ollie was like a broken record.
Numb. Ollie. The walls fell. Feelings. Memories. Anger. Without Ollie. Walls rebuilt. Numb. Repeat.
A tedious cycle no one had prepared me for on the flight to the United Kingdom. I had thought my barriers were invincible—not susceptible to a beautiful creature walking an offbeat path filled with unrealistic notions.
Eventually, the side effects of Ollie Masters would wear off, but all I needed to do was keep my distance from him. As long as he stayed away, I would stay numb.
It was six in the morning. Since there were no classes on Fridays, I planned on everyone else sleeping in, and the bathroom would be empty.
And I was right.
I reached into the stall to start the water, then stared blindly at myself in the mirror and noticed a few changes. My eyebrows had always been thick, but without the ability to pluck them, they looked even fuller. I was growing to like my freckles. Maybe once I left this place, I wouldn’t cover them up any longer.
“I’m starting to think you are avoiding us,” a high-pitched voice said, breaking me away from myself. Bria strolled toward me with her clothes pinned to her chest.
“Your thoughts are correct.” I stepped into the shower and undressed, but her questions didn’t stop.
“You didn’t make it to Ollie’s last night. Did something happen?” she asked as the sound of her shower turned on beside me.
“Nope.”
“Eh, it was boring, anyway. Ollie was in a mood, and no one wants to be around Ollie when he’s in a mood,” she called out over the sound of the water. “Why don’t you hang out with us today? After breakfast, we’re heading out to the woods.”
“No, thanks.”
My curtain opened with an annoyed Bria on the other side. She raised her finger at me. “I don’t understand you. You’d rather be cooped up in that dorm of yours, yeah? I’m trying to be nice, and if this is about Ollie …”
I rolled my eyes as a laugh blew from my lips. “It’s not, trust me. I don’t want anything to do with Ollie. He’s all yours.”
Ollie would never belong to anyone aside from me. I knew this, and he knew this. Even my damn demons knew this. It was the reason they were running around scared as shit this very moment, trying to erase the damage he had done yesterday.
“Well, Ollie doesn’t want to go, anyway, and we need one more per—”
“Ollie won’t be there?” Distraction was what I needed, and if Ollie wasn’t going to be around, I didn’t mind using Bria and her friends as my diversion from him.
Confusion crossed her face. “No?”