“Puts me at a loss with Troy sometimes. But I’m managing.” Troy had lost a lot. A lot.
“I can’t imagine making the age difference work, but there’s no doubt that you and Troy are.”
“The age really isn’t a thing at all. I don’t even notice that. It’s more just the things he’s been through and how long he’s… been alone.” He didn’t feel like they were making it work. They just worked. It wasn’t hard.
“Yes. He waited a long time, and…” Carter broke off and stood as Geoff stumbled out crying.
“Master. He looks so gray.”
Gray? Saul stood slowly and glanced toward where Geoff had come from, then back at Geoff, who was a little gray himself.
“Boy, he just had open heart surgery. Of course he’s pale.”
Open heart surgery. God, could they make this thing with Troy sound any worse? He was going to be okay. The doc said so. “Go on in, Carter. I’ll hang here with Geoff for you.” Carter was sounding pretty stressed. Of course he’s pale probably wasn’t all that helpful. It sure wasn’t to him.
“I’m going to take Geoff down to the cafeteria for coffee. Troy needs you, and he needs me. Remember, he can hear you talk.”
“Oh. Oh, sure. Thanks.” He suddenly felt nervous about going in, but he followed what Geoff had done and started scrubbing. His boy was in there, he told himself. And Carter was right, Troy needed him. After yesterday he was absolutely sure of that.
A nurse handed him a mask and he was allowed into the room, and for a second he wasn’t sure Troy was even in bed. There were monitors and machines, lights and crazy technology everywhere, and Troy was small lying there in the middle of all of it. Small and pale, and not really like Troy at all.
“Can I touch him?” He asked the nurse before she left the room. “Can I hold his hand?”
“Carefully, yes.” The nurse acted as if maybe he didn’t know what “carefully” meant.
He sighed, went to Troy, and curled his fingers around his boy’s hand. “Hey, it’s Saul. It’s me, Troy. I think you can hear me, right? I was told you could. So… I’m here.” He watched Troy’s pale, still face. He didn’t know what he was looking for exactly. “You’re going to be okay, did Geoff tell you? They’re just keeping you out for a day or so to rest. Really. They said you’d—”
His vision went blurry with tears all of a sudden and he was so stunned he let go of Troy’s hand to rub them away. It didn’t do much good. “I’m going to sit, okay?” He plopped down hard into a chair by the bed and took Troy’s hand again. “I was worried.”
Was. Am. Probably not going to get over it real soon.
Troy’s heartbeat sped up, fingers trembling in his hand.
Oh.
Oh, damn.
He squeezed them a little tighter. God. He needed to keep it together, at least while he was here. He took a breath and pushed the emotion down. “I’m here, boy. You’re okay. They’re going to move you a room in the cardiac unit soon and I’m hoping they’ll let me stay with you. Okay? I want to stay, and I will if they let me. Your job is to rest. That’s all. Breathe, relax, and rest. I’m here.” If he were in Troy’s place, he’d have questions. Lots of questions. He started thinking about what he should and maybe shouldn’t say.
As he spoke, he watched Troy’s heartbeat slow again, easing.
“That’s perfect,” the nurse whispered. “Just keep doing what you’re doing.”
He blinked up, startled. He didn’t know she was still there. He gave her a nod and focused back on his boy. “That’s good, Troy. You can feel my hand, right? I’ve got you.” He stroked the back of Troy’s hand and let the room go quiet a minute.
Troy looked like hell, but somehow he seemed better than he had this morning—less panicked and pained.
“I think if I were you, I’d want to know, so I’ll tell you what happened. What I understand anyway. But only if you promise not to get worked up.” He laughed softly, knowing Troy was tuned into him, and trying to take the tension out of the air.
“So, a jogger found you and called an ambulance, and in the meantime, Carter came over to ream you a new asshole for not showing up. We both kind of stared at each other for a minute like maybe you given up on both of us and moved to Bora Bora or something, but no, you went way more dramatic than that. You had a heart attack.”
Since Troy wasn’t able to interrupt him, he rambled on, explaining about the birth defect and the surgery, and made the tension between him and Carter sound like they almost entered a boxing ring just to be entertaining. Geoff of course, saved the day and put them both in their place.
That part wasn’t really exaggerated.
He swore he could see Troy relaxing as he talked, and it felt amazing that he could do this—give Troy so much ease.
“So that’s the whole saga, and now you’re here. All you have to do now is rest up and get better.” Get better. He wasn’t sure if it was a simple as it sounded but he wasn’t going to go into that. He didn’t really have any details about what that meant anyway. “Dr. Marks is kind of hot too. If you had to have open heart surgery, you came in on a good day.”
He looked up at the nurse and winked. He thought maybe she might be blushing.
She just rolled her eyes at him, though, and shook her head. “If you’d like, you can go to the cardiac unit waiting area. They’ll let you in once he’s settled down there.”
“Yeah? Okay, I’ll do that. You hear that, baby? I have to let them move you, so I’ll meet you down in your new room. I’ll be there, I promise. You stay relaxed. You have one job—rest. Got me?” He leaned over and kissed Troy’s fingers through his mask. “Be good.”
He gave Troy’s hand another squeeze, left the room slowly, thanking the nurse on the way out, then bolted blindly for the men’s room as the tears came flooding back.
He was pretty sure he was going to hurl.
22
The first thing Troy knew when he woke up was pain, and the second was utter panic. He fought to sit up, to find out where he was, who was hurting him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t sit up.
Fuck. Fuck, it hurt.
He tried to scream, but all that came out was a long, low moan.
“I’m here.” He knew the voice, but it was so far away, and the warm, steady grip on his fingers didn’t seem to fit at all with what he was feeling.
Help me. Help me, please. I’m in trouble. He kept trying to force the words out through a throat that wasn’t working.
“Hey. Shh. I can see your heart rate you know, you’re not fooling me. You’re okay. You have one job, remember? Rest. Wow. That’s kind of high. Maybe I should call the nurse.”
Nurse. Nurse. Okay. Hospital. He knew that.
He fought to get his eyes open, but he couldn’t figure it out.
He felt the grip around his fingers tighten but it seemed so far away, just like the voice. “You need to breathe, boy. Listen to me. You’re in the hospital, you had a heart attack but you’re going to be fine. I’ve told you this already but maybe it’s hard to remember with the drugs. They have you sedated and on pain meds… you’re supposed to be resting. They said you shouldn’t really wake up at all but… I’m calling the nurse right now, okay?”