Indignation prickles my skin. I met Florian when I was seventeen. I was a child. Not only that, but I was also used to everyone telling me what to do. My whole life was directed for me. Had always been that way since I was fourteen and first started in this business. So, when Florian continued that pattern after my parents died, it felt natural to me.
But now? Now I’m an adult.
A grown woman who has been calling her own shots for almost two years.
“I’ll take care of you.”
“I’m all set, thanks. I don’t need you to take care of me anymore.”
The waiter clears our starters, and once again, we’re bathed in silence. I should go. I shouldn’t still be here. I shift to leave when he asks, “Do you still love me?”
Shit. I hate that question. You’d think a direct question like that would be easy to answer, but it’s not. It’s festering in shades of gray. “Yes. Part of me will always love you.” He smiles like this answer washes everything else away. “But it’s different now. I’m different.”
“Well, it’s not for me. The moment I saw you all those years ago, I knew you were it for me. You were only seventeen, but you were all I saw. You still are, Nai. You’re it for me,” he repeats with a burning ferocity. “You can go make this duet—if that’s what you really want. But don’t think for a second you’re rid of me. I’m going to call you. Talk to you. I’m going to fill your mind so only I exist there. And before you know it, you’ll be mine again. And Gus Diamond will be a thing of the past.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Gus
* * *
I roll out of bed and hit the running trail by my house that leads down toward the beach. I’m up and out earlier than my usual. I’m desperate to get into the studio because I know Naomi likes to get in early.
I’m dying to see her.
I haven’t stopped thinking about her. Playing it all through my head. Mapping out scenarios and arguments and rationales and…I kissed her…and I…yeah, she’s consuming my thoughts.
I haven’t messaged her. I haven’t called her. I’ve given her space to work through her stuff. To figure out her mind.
In truth, I’ve needed that space too to figure out my own. To think about what I’m looking for. I said I would keep my distance. Keep it all professional and I haven’t done that. Not once. Not even for a second.
I saw her and that seemed to be it for me.
But…we’ve both been hurt —her more so than me.
Our hearts and minds have been consumed by others for so long it’s hard to find where that ends, and this begins. The last thing I want to do is hurt her more.
And I’m not sure how not to do that.
Naomi deserves everything. Can I do that? Can I give her everything? I’m honestly not sure and that reservation is what’s holding me at bay. It’s not her. She’s magnificent. It’s everything else that’s standing in my way.
That moment with Viola at her and Jasper’s wedding keeps playing on repeat in my mind. Her words haunting me…recycling through my head like a song you can’t get rid of.
“I love you, Gus.”
I smile, turning away from my brother so I can kiss his bride on the cheek. “I love you, Vi. Always.”
She pulls back and meets my eyes, her hand sliding along my head until she’s cupping my jaw. “No, Gus. You won’t,” she states simply, but the conviction in her voice pulls me up short. “Not the way you think you will. You don’t love me that way now. The woman who will truly own your heart will tie you up in knots.” She rolls her eyes. “Knowing you, probably both literally and figuratively.” I smirk, despite the serious mood and tone she’s pushing on me. “This woman will consume you. She’ll be the one you fight everything and everyone for. That’s not me, babe. It never was.”
Whether Naomi is that person or not, it’s way too early to say. But Viola was right. I never fought everything and everyone for her.
Including myself.
And didn’t I just say that Naomi consumes my thoughts? Christ, I could be a special level of fucked, and I don’t know what to do about it or how to stop it.
Venice Beach is a crazy area. The beach is always filled with bodybuilders and weightlifters showing off their muscles. Tourists, vendors, and street performers are typically everywhere. But at this early hour, no one is about. Hell, the sun is barely starting to crack the sky in the east. I find the exercise area and instead of turning back here, which I typically do, I start doing some pull-ups. I can’t even say why, other than I have too much nervous energy burning in me.
I’m restless. Unsettled.
And it’s not an emotion I’m particularly familiar with.
For the first time in my life, I want things to be different. I’m not even sure how it happened, but here it is.
The cool wind blowing off the Pacific whips across my damp face and hair as I drop down, doing pushups without counting. My mind is too busy. A war raging within me. Adulting has never been my strong suit. No one would deny that.
But the moment I sat down to write that song, the moment I allowed myself to feel, really feel everything I’ve never allowed myself to feel, something shifted. Or maybe cracked open is a better description. Maybe that’s why this song is so important. I don’t know. I just know Naomi seems to have changed everything, and now that I’ve kissed her, I don’t want to go back to how it used to be.
I want more.
A smile spreads across my face as I think about her while jogging back toward my place. It’s still early out, the sun just starting to rise, but that doesn’t mean that the sidewalks are empty.
Quite the contrary, actually.
They’re littered with press. Phones and cameras are shoved in my face. Hordes of people surround me, yelling out question after question in such rapid succession I can barely make them out. I catch the words Naomi and even Florian, but not much else.
What the hell is going on? Did something happen?
And how did they find me?
The one thing I’ve always managed to maintain was my privacy. No one around where I live has ever given a crap about who I am. Never. So this just makes no sense. My heart starts to spike as I inadvertently freeze, stopping nearly dead in my tracks. Despite them mentioning Naomi and Florian, my mind automatically wanders to Adalyn, and even Viola, after all they went through with the press last year.
I clear that away, needing to get out of here. Stepping forward, I lower my shoulder and head, and begin to push through the crowd that is nothing if not determined.
“Do you have any reaction to the pictures of Naomi and Florian last night? How do you feel about them reuniting?”
Reuniting?
I pause and they take full advantage, closing in around me once again and snapping picture after picture. “Did you know that Naomi was having dinner with Florian last night? Did you two already break up? Is Naomi going behind your back?”
Jesus. She had dinner with him last night?
I reach the walkway to my house and hold up my hand, letting them know they can’t come any closer. Private property assholes! I take off into a jog until I reach my doorstep, unlock my door, and slam it shut behind me, breathing hard and fighting a burgeoning anger as it builds within me.