“Can I have the car keys?” I ask, my words measured. I don’t want her to close the small window she’s opened up for me.
She grabs her keys from inside of her bag then extends her hand to me. I close the distance between us, my hand moving toward hers. The moment we touch, I feel a rush. The big falling portion of a rollercoaster ride is the best way I can describe the feeling of her hand in mine, but even that pales in comparison. Holding on to her for a few seconds too long, I pull away. If I hold on any longer, I know I’ll lose the last bit of control I have left. I’ll give in to my desire of having her in my arms. But I won’t do it if that’s not what she wants. Despite how much I want to embrace her. How my body aches to show her how much I care about her; how much I love her. I won’t until she forgives me. Until she asks me to.
I love her more now than ever, but I know she won’t believe that. Not when she sees me as the cause for all her suffering, as a cheater who betrayed her in the worst of ways.
I open my hand and she drops the keys into them. I’m relieved that she’s not fighting me on this.
She takes a couple of steps back, turns around, and opens the door to the house she was raised in, a house I snuck into many times before. I’m reminded of how different things were before. How easy things were.
I messed them up, but that mistake gave me Ari, so I’ve gotta be grateful to it in a way.
I lost Amari and gained Ari.
I thought I could live with one and not the other, but the reality is I want them both.
I’ll fight for the happy ending I didn’t allow myself to entertain when I was in high school. I made the decision a boy would’ve back then. I’m a man now, so I’ll do things differently. I’ll do them better.
“I’ll bring the keys and car back later,” I say to her back.
She doesn’t respond. Doesn’t turn around to face me again. Instead, Amari walks inside the house and closes her door.
I look down at the keys and notice they still have the keychain. The one with the heart. The one I gave her when I told her I loved her for the very first time. I stand there in the rain smiling down at the keys for a couple of minutes. Hope grows within me. She keeps a piece of me with her at all times. Maybe her mind’s given up on me, but her heart definitely has not.
Walking over to my car, I get into the driver side door and my hands go to my keys hanging from the ignition. Putting the keychains together, I see that the arrow still fits in its place on the heart. Cheesy as it may be, I’m hoping that the same applies to Amari and me.
17
AMARI
I wake up to the sun shining on my face. Opening my eyes, I wait until I adjust to the light. I take a little longer than usual to get up from my bed because I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally.
I unplug my phone from its place on the charger and look at the time. It’s 6:00 am. The sun that enters my room betrays the real time. You’d think it’s 2 pm with how forceful the rays are… that’s the thing about living in New England. Doesn’t matter that it’s supposed to be fall, summer is extended and the sun is always anxious to make an appearance.
I sit up and take a deep breath. When I get up from my bed, I walk toward the window and look outside. There, on the side of the road, I see my car.
In my fogginess, I had hoped that last night was a dream—a nightmare. Honestly, I wish everything had been a product of my imagination. That I hadn’t actually run in to him or had agreed to let him drive me home. I can’t believe I even went as far as giving him my keys so he could bring my car back. Despite how much I wish it weren’t, yesterday was real.
As real as his hand touching my own. As real as the emotions that coursed through me as the rain fell over us. As real as the intensity in his eyes as he begged me to say yes to him taking me home. I wish he’d had that same intensity, that same drive, back then. I wish he’d asked me to stay then.
Shaking my head, I push those thoughts out of the way. I can’t forget the real reason he left me. He didn’t ask me to stay. Didn’t want me. He had a child with someone else. He got someone else pregnant while he was with me… that’s the only explanation that makes sense to me. I wasn’t the only one.
Still wearing my pajamas, I leave my room and head downstairs. The moment I reach the door, I notice the keys are on the floor right below the mail slot. I pick them up and open the door. Welcoming in the breeze and warmth, there’s no sign of yesterday’s rainstorm. It’s all already been forgotten, washed away. Except it’s still fresh in my memory.
Taking the steps down slowly, I recall how he stood here next to me like he had many times. This time he didn’t kiss me goodnight while hoping my parents didn’t catch us. He wasn’t going to climb the tree on the side of my house and knock on my window. He wouldn’t hold me all night while we slept.
While he followed me to my door last night, it wasn’t the same. How could it be?
When I near my car, I realize there’s a sheet of paper being held in place by the window wipers. It’s not wet or smudged, which tells me it was probably put there early this morning. I wonder how long it took him to get the car here.
I lift the wiper and remove the piece of paper. Without focusing on the words, I unfold the sheet of paper, look at the handwriting, and instantly recognize it. Christian.
I walk back toward my front door and sit on the steps before reading the letter.
Amari,
Your car is going to need a new battery. Your safest bet is to not drive it until it’s been replaced; otherwise, you’ll be stranded again. I’m happy to get one and replace it for you so you don’t have to worry about the costs. Thanks again for letting me help. Honestly, it’s the least I can do after all I’ve done.
I stop there, realizing that I’m going to be stuck figuring out a ride to work today since I won’t be able to just go and buy a battery right now. Maybe Hannah will give me a ride. The thing about small towns is that Uber doesn’t exist. There are buses, but those things take forever and I’ll probably be late.
Something inside of me tells me that my concerns about transportation are just my excuse to not continue reading his words. In defiance, I proceed.
I know you’re probably wondering how you’re going to get to work and here’s where I come in again. I work at the high school now as a football coach. That’s not too far from you. I figured as principal you have to be in early. I’ll be outside your house at 7:15 am. You probably won’t want to get in the car with me again but I’ll still be there. You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to. You can ignore me the whole way like you did last night.
I know you’re thinking the worst of me right now and I promise you that’s not the case. I swear I didn’t cheat on you. I want to explain. But a letter won’t do, it’s too much. Or, better yet, too important.
I won’t pressure you to talk to me though. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here… waiting. I’ve walked away from you before. I won’t be mad if you walk away from me this time, but you should know why I made my choices six years ago before you make yours.