I never stopped loving you,
Christian
CHRISTIAN
I twist and turn in bed. I grab my phone from under my pillow and look at the time. It’s 6:15 am. I haven’t gotten any sleep and don’t have time to keep trying, not that it would work anyway. My mind is running a million miles a minute thinking of what I can do to get Amari back… if there’s a chance.
After dropping Amari off last night, I went back to where her car was parked. It took all of five minutes to figure out what was wrong with it. I jumpstarted her car after realizing her battery had given out. I would’ve gone out and bought her a new battery if there was anything open.
Instead, all I could do was drive her car back to her house. All her lights were off and I swear I had this desire to go back to old times. To climb up the tree and knock on her window. I’d beg her to let me in and pray things could go back to what they were before. I wanted nothing more than to hold her in my arms and wipe away the tears I was the cause of. I wanted nothing more than to feel her lips on mine once again. The lips I haven’t tasted in six years… in too long.
As I walked back to where my car was on the side of the road, my mind was like a movie replaying all the times I spent with Amari. It was like a film full of highlight worthy moments. Everything was great from the moment she entered the picture. My movie, without her as a character, was dark and confusing as hell. I was destructive back then. She calmed the storm that brewed inside of me. The volcano that erupted often and ruined everything around him.
I was afraid I’d ruin her, but she had this ability within herself, something she didn’t even know she had, to change me. I became a different person because of Amari. Sadly, the decisions I made before her followed me and ultimately spilled over into the new version of me I had built with her.
I got to my house an hour later and just sat there thinking about all of my choices. The thing is, if I could have made any of them differently, I wouldn’t because it would mean I wouldn’t have Ari.
As shitty as things were, I wouldn’t trade my daughter away for anything.
But, man, would it have been amazing to have had Ari with Amari.
I was so frustrated with myself that I couldn’t sleep. I looked out the window waiting for the rain to stop and when it did, at 3 am, I decided to write Amari a letter.
I decided to offer her a ride to work, hoping she wouldn’t turn me down. I need to explain everything to her, not only because I want her back, but because she deserves at least that. I drove over to her house and placed the letter on her windshield at 4:30 am. I hope it makes a difference.
Getting up from my bed, I hit the shower and get ready for work. Looking down at my watch, I see that it’s 7:00 am. Amari still lives in her parents’ old house, which is only a few minutes away from the house I bought for my daughter and me. I guess I wanted to be close enough to her just in case she came back. I never thought she would, her parents told me as much when I asked them.
Heading downstairs, I pour the newly brewed coffee into two travel mugs then I head out the door. As I drive toward Amari’s house, I’m preparing myself for the very real possibility that she’s no longer there. That she figured out another way to get to work. That she realized I wasn’t worth her time and my desire to explain things was too late. Ill timed.
I prepare myself for the feeling of loss to return. I’ve lost her, but I want her back… I just hope that after she hears me out, if she hears me out, she wants me too.
18
CHRISTIAN
I pull over right behind her car and a smile takes over my face. She didn’t try to drive it, that’s a good sign—it means she’s read my letter. I wait a few minutes past 7:15 and then get out of my truck. Heading up her stairs, I ring the doorbell to the left of the front door and wait for her to answer.
When she doesn’t come out, I ring the bell again three minutes later. The result is the same. Heading back to my truck, I sit there until its 7:40 waiting for any sign that she’s still inside.
I get out of my truck a few more times, walking back and forth between her front door and my truck, and then realize that it’s no use. She’s not here. I knew this was the most likely scenario; I had to beg her to get in my car last night and it took forever, but I’m still hit with a pang of disappointment.
Work hard for the things you want, my mind reminds me. I want Amari to forgive me, I need her to. I’ll give her the time she needs. Putting my truck in drive, I head in the direction of the high school.
I decide to give my mom a call to make sure she got up this morning and is dropping Ari off at school. “Hi Mom, you awake?” I say the moment she picks up the phone.
“Yes I am.” I can imagine her shaking her head at me making sure she woke up for drop off.
“How’s Ari?” I ask.
“She’s having the last bit of her breakfast and then we’re headed to school.”
“Thank you. I’ll pick her up from your house after school at 6 pm?” I confirm our usual plans. I finish football practice at 5:30 today and will zip over to Mom’s after.
“That works. I offered to take her to buy the father-daughter dance dress, but she said she wants to go buy it with you.” Crap! With all the crazy things going on I’d forgotten about that dance.
“I’ll go with her after I pick her up,” I tell my mother. The father-daughter dance is next Sunday. Luckily, I’ve got a whole week to make sure she gets the dress of her dreams. In her mind, the dance will be like one of the balls that happen in princess movies and so I gotta do my best to match that.
“Great! I can come with if you need any help,” my mother offers.
“We’d love that!” I need all the help I can get. I can’t say I’m a professional when it comes to figuring out what Ari should wear. I’ll likely just get her whatever she wants. I think I need a suit too; I haven’t worn a suit since football games back in high school. I guess I’ll be needing a suit for away games now, so I may as well hit two birds with one stone.
“Alright, she’s done with breakfast, so off to school we go,” my mom tells me, rushing me off the phone.
“Great! See you guys later,” I tell her.
I hang up the phone and see the elementary school my daughter goes to on my right as I drive past it. All self-control goes out the window and I turn the car around and head back to the school. Pulling into the parking lot, I park my truck and slam my head on the steering wheel.
I shouldn’t be here. I should head back to work. Then again, it’s not like I have to be there super early. I don’t actually have to be in until a while later since I stay after school.
But getting there early won’t hurt since we have a game coming up in two weeks and I should be there preparing the game plan. Finalizing all details and positions.
You’ll have time, that can wait. The voice inside my head makes the decision easier for me and I turn the key on the ignition and shut off my truck. I step out of the vehicle and start making my way to the front door of the school.
I pause in my tracks when I realize I need an excuse, though I know she’ll see right through it. Heading back to my truck, I look in the back seat and see my daughter’s crayon box next to her car seat. Perfect.