“Daddy, why are you an asshole and what stupid decision did you make?” Ari’s voice comes out of nowhere, startling me and calling me out. How am I supposed to answer those questions?
The stupid decision I made was to lie, so this time I’ll opt for the truth.
What I gotta figure out now is how to break it to a six-year-old.
I guess I’ll start at the beginning.
24
AMARI
I wake up and want to ignore my phone because I know what I’ll find. Yesterday, I had to shut it off after ten missed calls and fifty text messages from Emely. I went through the work day ignoring her. Then, I got home and went straight to bed.
I wonder what the toll is up to today.
I don’t want to hear what she has to say. Then again, I know she loves me, so she probably didn’t mean anything bad by keeping the information from me. Emely wouldn’t do something she thought was bad for me. So, the only explanation for what she did has to be that she didn’t think it through.
Should I blame her for making a mistake? Then again, actions have consequences. She should’ve told me and the fact that she didn’t is a major violation of girl code or whatever. She owed it to our years of friendship to be honest with me.
What would you have done if she would’ve told you? My mind asks and I roll over in bed and scream into my pillow in frustration. I’m frustrated because I don’t know what I would’ve done if I knew earlier. What difference would it have made to hear it from her first or from him?
What are you really mad at? My mind keeps assaulting me with questions I do not want to answer, questions I do not have the answer to.
That’s a lie. The inner part of me knows the truth I don’t want to admit. The reality is that I’m not mad she didn’t tell me. I’m mad he told her first. Even if it was only a day ahead of when he told me everything. I still can’t believe that he finally told the truth he withheld from me from years but to her first. That he easily explained everything to her instead of me.
I scream into my pillow a second time before rolling over and getting up from the bed. What I need right now is a shower and some food.
Before I head over to the bathroom, I turn my phone on because it’s irresponsible to leave it off just because I want to ignore my best friend. Yes, I’ll still call her that because that’s what she is. I already know I won’t be mad at her forever. Just for now.
The moment my phone turns on fully, it’s like floodgates have opened as all the missed calls and messages come crashing through. I look through the missed calls and find twenty of them from Emely. As expected, she called the entire night, stopping at the wee hours of the morning.
The texts come in one at a time and eventually, I see the final number is 100 of them. Emely is nothing if not persistent and the number of voicemails, missed calls, and text messages show this.
I see a missed call from a number I don’t recognize and I wonder if it’s Emely calling me through someone else’s phone or if it’s a parent or teacher or something more important. The call came in at 9:00 am and seeing that it’s 10 am now, it’s possible that it could’ve been anyone. I consider whether I should return the call, but I can’t make up my mind. I decide that it’s better to figure that out after a shower. After I wash away the exhaustion from this week, from every day since I discovered Christian was still here in the place I left him before, but only after he left me first.
I get out of the shower feeling refreshed and the headache that was building finally disappears. Regardless of how mad I am at everything that’s taken place, I’m happy about one thing… the truth. It’s finally out.
Things would’ve been very different if Christian had looped me into what had happened long ago. Yes, it would’ve hurt to know that he was having a child with someone else, but I knew he had a past. I knew that he had lived a life and that he was a different person before he met me. Before he fell in love with me. He warned me about his past numerous times when I first started talking to him. When he realized I was falling for him, he told me I’d be better off focusing my attention on something else, someone else.
“I’m not worth it, Amari. You shouldn’t waste your time on a guy like me,” he said to me and I knew he meant every word. He seriously believed he was no good for me… everyone else did too, Emely included. But I knew he was better than that. I could see the sweetness he tried to hide with a serious face and standoffish demeanor.
I would’ve been upset if he told me about his child, but we would’ve worked through it. Those were actions he had taken in the past; the Christian I knew was different. He was better. One way or another, we would’ve figured it out. But maybe that’s what he was afraid of. He did say that the reason he didn’t tell me was that he knew I’d give everything up to help him, that I wouldn’t chase my dreams because I’d follow him.
He was right.
The voice of reason again comes up and tells me and I can’t argue with it. I would’ve done anything and everything for him. He told me day in and day out that he didn’t deserve me, that I deserved better, so he made the choice for me that he knew I’d never make myself. Can I really be mad at him for that?
CHRISTIAN
I called her in the morning. I wanted to check in, make sure she was doing okay. I wanted to see if she had fixed her car. If she needed anything. I wanted to hear her voice. I even called her from the house phone so she wouldn’t recognize my number. Still, she didn’t pick up.
So, I did the next best thing.
Instead of insisting by calling her a second or third time, I swung by the auto body shop and picked up a car battery.
Shutting off my car, I park right behind Amari’s. I bet she hasn’t gotten the battery fixed yet. It’s only been two days after all. Getting out of the car, I grab the battery from the backseat then close the doors.
Every step I take closer to her door feels like I’m walking on glass. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know if she’s even home. But I’m willing to give it all I’ve got. I won’t bring up her best friend though because I don’t want to make things worse. I want to make them better.
I ring the doorbell and wait with the battery in hand and my eyes closed.
“Christian?” the moment my name leaves her mouth my eyes open and I find her looking back at me with her eyebrows raised.
I smile at her. “Yes ma’am.”
“What are you doing here?” she asks, her hand still on the door. I bet she’s considering slamming it on my face.
Lifting the battery from my hand I respond, “Fixing your car.”
“No one said you had to fix my car,” she replies, letting go of the door and crossing her arms. My eyes travel her body and I allow myself to take her in. She’s wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. I know that hoodie.
“You’re wearing my hoodie,” I tell her, feeling like I’m on top of the world. If she’s wearing the sweater she took from me back when we started dating, that must mean something, right?
She opens her eyes wide then looks down at her shirt. “I didn’t… I must’ve…” she starts, finding it hard to formulate a response.