But this is part of the process that will, with any luck, make her better, and if it’s going to bring her back to me, I’ll deal with anything thrown my way.
“How’s Walker doing?” he asks as our plates come to the table.
I lean back, admiring the smoking plate of fajitas in front of me. The two of us don’t normally have lunch together, but when he asked, I accepted. It’s nice to get out of my own head for a while. Eating lunch at the shop has gotten super strange, with everyone not sure what to say to me.
“He’s doing okay. I think we’re both just trying to figure out how this is all going to work. Plus I’m a single parent, which I’ve never been before, so that brings with it some new issues I’ve never had to deal with.”
“If you need someone to watch Walker and you can’t find anyone, Addie and I would love to do it. We definitely need the practice.” He ducks his head down, a small smile playing against his lips.
“Wild? For real?”
He grins, nodding quickly. “We told Tyler, Mer, and Caelin a couple of days ago.”
“Did Tyler threaten to kill you?”
“Threatened to make a new mug out of my skull, so take that for what it’s worth.” He shakes his head. “Deep down I know he’s excited. We don’t want to make any kind of announcement after what happened, and I wanted to be the one to tell you myself.”
This is the part that sucks, everyone walks around on eggshells around me. “Never think that your happiness is a part of my grief, my man. I’m stoked for you. The two of you are going to be amazing parents.”
“I hope so. I mean, I didn’t have the greatest of role models, but every single man in the club has taken me under their wing. I hope I can be half of what y’all are.”
“It’s a lot of trial and error.” A nostalgic smile tilts my lips, as I think of Walker when he was a baby. “So much trial and error. But if you’ve ever got any questions, that’s what our group text is for.”
He laughs. “Any way we can keep Tyler out of that text? I feel like the first time I ask a question, he’s gonna be like dumbass can’t take care of my daughter, much less my grandkid - hang on, I’ll be over in a minute to straighten everything out.”
I chuckle loudly, something I need in a desperate way. “Sounds just like him.”
“He loves Addie, he’d do anything for her, and we’re both lucky to have him, but damn if he isn’t intimidating.”
“Liam’s intimidating, too.” I take a bite of my fajita.
“Not as bad as Tyler, though.”
“You’re married to Tyler’s daughter, I’m married to Liam’s. Think about it.”
He makes a noise of understanding before he dives into his food. For a second, I glance at my wedding ring. The day Mandy put it on me, I was so sure shit was behind us. When she’d been pregnant with Walker, I’d been stupid, trying to keep her safe, and I selfishly assumed that was the only hard time we’d have to live through.
But I didn’t think this would happen.
Neither one of us did.
“Look.” Wild takes his phone out, showing me a positive pregnancy test along with a sonogram picture. “This is the announcement we’re gonna make in the group text and on Facebook for friends and family. She did a good job, huh?”
My eyes travel down to the picture, where Ranger - a dog they adopted almost a year ago now - sits on their front porch, wearing a shirt that says Promoted to Big Brother. We’d gotten Walker the same shirt to wear on the day we had the baby. It’s still in the nursery, packed away now.
My throat swells and I do my best to swallow against the intrusion. “Addie did a real good job.” I cough to try and loosen the muscles. “Be right back.”
Before he even says anything I’m heading for the men’s room. I head in, looking under the stalls to make sure I’m by myself. Hurriedly I move to lock the door and it’s only then I let myself collapse against it, and tears fall.
Tears have come more often than they should have lately with all of us.
But I can’t stop. My ass slides down the door until I’m sitting with my back against it, my face in my hands, sobbing like my life is over.
In some ways I feel like it is, and I’m never sure if I’m going to be able to get it back.
“I’m sorry if I brought up bad memories,” Wild says as we park at the shop.
He had driven us, and after I’d been in the bathroom for more than ten minutes, he came looking for me. I was still trying to pull myself together. Even with washing my face, there was no denying I had some sort of breakdown.
“You didn’t, man. I’m so excited for you and Addie. This is just my shit. Shit I need to get over.”
“Man, I don’t know that I’d ever get over what you’ve had to live through. I think you need to give yourself more credit than you have. Life sucks, especially when you’ve had everything you’ve ever wanted and it gets ripped from your hands.”
Or from Mandy’s belly.
There’s nothing else for me to say, so I settle on nodding. As soon as I put my boot on the asphalt, my phone vibrates in my pocket. Not my burner cell, but my personal cell. Immediately my anxiety shoots sky high, worried to death it’s something about Mandy.
Instead my shaking hands reveal Walker’s school calling. Sliding my thumb across the bottom to answer it, I hold it between my ear and my shoulder.
“Hello?”
“Hi, are you Walker Barnett’s dad?”
“Yeah, is he okay?”
My brain is already making up reasons for his school to call. Reasons that can’t be explained away easily. Is this what my life’s going to be like from now on?
“He’s sick,” the lady on the other end says. “He’s got a fever of one hundred and two point five. Someone will need to come and get him. We tried to call Mandy, but her phone was off.”
A sigh rips its way from my chest. I wish all that was wrong with her is a phone turned to the off position.
“I work about five minutes from the school, I’ll be there in ten. Do I need to take him to his pediatrician?”
This is something I would normally ask Mandy. Better yet, she would have fucking just taken care of it. I’m starting to see how much she did for our little family with little to no praise from me.
“I’m not the nurse,” she says. “But I can have you talk to her when you get here.”
“Thank you, I’ll be there ASAP.”
Agitation makes me fork my fingers through my hair.
“Everything okay?” Drew asks, putting his arm around my shoulders.
I don’t even know where he came from, but I appreciate the extra support his arm is giving me right now.
“No, Walker’s sick and someone needs to go get him at school.”
“Take off, we’ve got this.”
They don’t have it, and both of us know it. Walker’s Wheels is always backed up and behind schedule because we’re actually very good at our jobs and people come from the surrounding counties for our service. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t even think about apologizing, brother. You’re in a position none of us ever want to be in.”