“That feels good,” he whispers, his eyes heavy.
“How long have you been sick?” I question. It might as well just be the two of us in the room. If anyone deserves my undivided attention, it’s this kid I love with everything I have.
“I started feeling bad a few days ago.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought you had enough to deal with, with Mom.”
He’s not even a teenager yet and he’s already trying to spare feelings? That’s how I grew up, but it’s never how I wanted him to grow up. All of a sudden I think I failed him. I’ve done everything I said I’d never do.
“There is no dealing with either you or your mom, Walker. I love both of you, and I’m happy to help with anything you have going on, even if that means it’s inconvenient. I’m never too busy for either one of you. Next time you need something, you tell me.”
He nods, closing his eyes. I’m doing my best not to rage, but I want to. At the unfairness of everything happening. How hard do Mandy and I have to fight be together? How hard do we have to fight for our family?
I can hear Tyler’s voice. As hard and as long as it takes.
Maybe that’s the problem - I always want there to be an endgame. For me, there always needs to be a finish line, and with life there really is no clear one.
“Walker Barnett?”
Nudging him awake, I make sure he’s okay to stand before the two of us go back into the triage area.
They ask a bunch of questions, some I know the answers to, some I don’t.
I should know all of them though, and I’m man enough to admit that to myself. We’re taken to a room where we’re told to wait for the doctor. Walker shakes as he sits up on the exam table by himself.
“Are you okay?”
“Just so cold.” His teeth are chattering.
“We’ll get some medicine in you as soon as possible.”
Helpless. I feel completely and totally helpless. Is this how Mandy felt as she was miscarrying our child? She’s always told me there are certain things I can’t understand - and maybe this is one of them.
I’m about to go ask where the doctor is when there’s a light knock on the door, and a man in a white coat enters.
“I’m Dr. Pendergrass.” He looks over the mask he’s wearing at me. “You are?”
“Walker’s Dad, Dalton.”
I don’t miss the once-over he gives me; probably wondering why I’ve never brought my kid to the doctor before.
“Nice to meet you.” He turns to Walker. “What’s going on today?”
This should be the time when I speak up, but I don’t need to, because Walker speaks for himself, telling the doctor exactly how he feels.
“Okay, let’s get you checked out.”
I watch as he performs an examination on him, wincing as I hear my son cough horribly.
“I believe he’s got strep throat and a possible upper respiratory infection. We’ll need to do a strep test and we’ll go ahead and treat for the respiratory infection. He’ll need to be at home from school for the rest of the week. Strep is highly contagious, especially while running a fever.”
I’m not at all prepared for this, but neither was Mandy when things out of her control began happening.
“You can lay back there and go to sleep if you want, Walker. I’ll send someone in with a test.”
Walker gives him a thumbs up before he lies back, resting his head against the pillow. “Want me to turn the light out?”
Another thumbs up, and then he’s quiet as can be. It leaves me with my own thoughts. I know Mandy isn’t allowed her cell phone right now, but I still pull mine out and start a new text.
D: Walker’s sick. I got him to the doctor and they think he has strep throat and an upper respiratory infection. You would know exactly what to do. I miss you. I love you.
The text goes through, and I can’t help but hope she sees it sooner rather than later. I hate not having contact with her, but I know it’s for the best right now. Being here by myself isn’t fun, and I wonder how many times she’s sat somewhere by herself wishing I was right there with her. More often than I can count, I’m sure. Self-loathing hits me hard, and I realize with great clarity that I’ve spent the better part of our lives together picking shit that didn’t make a damn bit of difference over my family, even though I promised myself I’d be a better father than what I had.
Tilting my head back against the wall, I close my eyes, remembering better times, hoping the memories won’t make me feel so damn lonely.
“Walker’s asleep,” Mandy giggles as she meets me out on our front porch.
“Finally,” I sigh as I walk over to her, scooping her hair up in my hands, pulling her to my body. My lips claim hers as the crickets and frogs sing us a lullaby. She grips my wrists, applying slight pressure so that I allow her to breathe. “Been wanting to do that all day.”
She grins. “I’ve been wanting you to do it all day, too. We need more nights like this,” she whispers.
“Out on the porch?”
“Yeah.” She grabs my hand, getting me to have a seat in the swing with her. “Not in front of our laptops or our phones, not even in front of the TV. We should be asking each other about our days.”
Sometimes that isn’t possible because of shit with the club, but I understand what she’s saying. At the end of the day we have each other, and we don’t spend near enough time together. I don’t ask her about her day often, and she never inquiries about the club, although I would be okay with her doing so. “We should make it a habit.” I put my arm around her neck, to bring her closer.
“We should.” She kisses me softly.
“Promise?” I let my voice drop an octave.
“Promise.” She lets go of my arm and sprawls across me, straddling my waist, wrapping her arms around my neck.
But we hadn’t made it a habit. We’d broken the promise, almost before it even began. Like most everything with the two of us, we did good for a few weeks and then we went back to what was comfortable.
We’ve always allowed other people to be more important than each other in our lives, but that has to stop here. One of us has to make a clear decision, I’m not sure we can come through the other side on another situation like this.
Because this situation? It’s made me realize I’m going to have get very uncomfortable if I want my family back.
And I do - more than anything in this world.
Chapter Five
Mandy
The circle is a little smaller today. Two people who have been in my group since I got here got to go home. Looking down at my engagement and wedding rings, I’m hit with a longing to see Dalton and Walker again. A type of longing I haven’t felt in years.
It could be the new medication they have me on to control my mood swings, or it could be that I’m finally coming out from underneath this dark cloud I’ve been under for so long.
“When was the first time you realized you weren’t like everybody else?”
The leader of our circle asks the question, and I do like I’ve done every day since I got here a week ago - I truly think about it. I close my eyes and settle into the question, giving it a few moments to dig itself into my conscience and then answer it truthfully. When it comes to my turn, I speak slowly.