Ivy and Brooks joined me and Davion at our table, while Cason, Zeke, Lauren, and Brett sat at one table, and Clair and Lauren joined my sister and parents at the other. All these people have been around my family enough times to be comfortable around them.
“So, River Styx, how does it feel to be legally grown?” Ever since I got into Blackstone, Brooks had started calling me River Styx. Since The Styx River was the boundary between the living and the dead in Greek mythology, Brooks likened me to the boundary between the gods at Blackstone and the mortals in Dayton. I touched both worlds.
Or maybe both worlds touched me.
“I feel exactly like I did yesterday,” I answered. “Tire as fuck.” Everyone knew the hours I put in at Blackstone and at the auto shop. They knew exactly what I meant.
“You’re going to tire yourself out before you even get a chance to change the world,” he chided.
I laughed. “I’ll be sure to take some me-time soon, Mom.”
He threw a piece of broccoli at me.
And then, I saw it.
My eyes widened, and I never would have thought it.
I dropped my barbecued rib, wiped my fingers clean, and waved my finger back and forth between Brooks and Ivy. “Uh, want to tell me what’s going on between you two?” Brooks face turned beet red while Ivy just rolled her eyes. “I saw that.”
“Saw what?” Davion asked.
My eyes narrowed until Brooks started singing like a canary. “What’s the big deal?”
“Saw what?” Davion repeated.
I leaned back and grinned. “His arm stretching in a way that told me he put his hand on Ivy’s leg,” I said, ratting them out.
“Right in front of me?” Davion complained with a moan. “I was in love with you, Ivy.”
The guys started laughing while Ivy let out a snort. “You play Fantasy Football. It never would have worked.”
“A man can change, you know,” he countered, and the shit had me cracking up. Even Brooks was grinning.
Ivy shook her head. “Brooks is strong enough to shoulder all my crazy,” she told him, then shrugged her shoulders. “You just don’t have it in you, Davion.”
I really started laughing when Davion took offense. “That’s not true,” he argued. “Do you know how many crazy bitches I deal with on the regular?” Ivy choked on her potato chip and Brooks’ arm reached out to thump her on the back.
Shit was just about fucking perfect.
I had the biggest grin on my face when I looked over and caught Claire smiling at me. I smiled back and really wished there were something more between us than satisfying sex. Claire was the kind of girl who’d support her man through anything. She was loyal, kind, and so down to fucking earth. Plus, she had a life. She wasn’t clingy or demanding. With golden blonde hair, soft blue eyes, a trimmed body, and legs for days, she was the entire package. I was already tall at six-foot-two, so Claire’s five-seven worked perfectly for us when we were together.
But when I looked at her, all I saw was a great friend I wouldn’t give up for anything. I saw a girl who used to sit on the sidewalk and play with her dolls as Ivy would race us boys on our bikes for a hard-earned win.
Claire was safe.
Unfortunately, safe didn’t make my heart race or my palms sweat.
Chapter 5
Grace~
I’ve put it off long enough.
The thought was nauseating, but I knew I couldn’t really turn over a new leaf until I atoned for all the wrong I’ve done, not just the easy, minor offenses.
I needed to face all my demons, no matter how painful, how nerve-wracking, or how humiliating.
In my lifetime, I’ve not been a nice person. I’ve done things I wasn’t proud of and wished I could undo. I’ve been unkind and belittling. I’ve been self-absorbed and arrogant. I’ve judged people and situations I didn’t have a right to. I was really raised to believe I was better than other people and that my actions would always be justified on account of my last name.
Leah Moffet killing herself knocked my entire world of its axis and almost transformed me and my stupid beliefs overnight.
I’ve been reckless with my words and my actions, and that wasn’t okay.
It had never been okay.
The worse part? I’ve always known it wasn’t okay. I’ve just never felt that it wasn’t okay. Other people’s suffering had never affected me on a person level before, so I had ignored it because I’d never felt compelled to do anything about it.
But I felt it now.
I felt it all.
Living in Wakefield and going to Blackstone Prep, I’d been sheltered from family tragedy. I’d never been around someone who was depressed or had serious emotional issues. Most of the kids attending Blackstone had the money for therapy, medication, or, sadly, abortions. And even though Leah’s family had been just as wealthy as the rest of us, she had wanted more.
She had wanted to be one of us.
She had wanted to be one of us, and we weren’t worth it. But I was working on that now. Sterling had said we weren’t responsible for weak people, but we were responsible for ourselves and how our actions affect the weak people around us.
We were responsible for ourselves period.
I took a deep breath and willed my hands to stop shaking. We had first period together, so I knew I could find him there, but I wanted a chance to talk to him without ears all around us. I wasn’t kidding myself into believing that this was going to be anything other than ugly, but I wanted to tone down the humiliation as much as possible. I knew where his locker was, and I also knew he might be there with his friend, Davion Black, but that couldn’t be helped. And though he’d never believe me, I’ve paid attention to Styx Reinhart.
I’ve always paid attention to him.
I met Styx the summer before our sophomore year of high school. He’d been going to Dayton High while I was already at Blackstone, naturally. There had been a summer program for musicians and my mother had thought it a good idea to send me.
It hadn’t been.
I had absolutely no musical talent, but because Caroline Streetport’s daughter had started taking up the violin, and she had been magnificent at it-according to Caroline-my mother hadn’t liked feeling as if Caroline and her daughter had one-upped us. So, she had enrolled me into this summer program, no matter how many times my brother and I had told her it was a waste of time.
However, even though my musical talent had been lacking, it hadn’t been a waste of my time. After all, it’s where I had met Styx Reinhart.
I’ll never forget the time I first saw him. It’s burned into the back of my mind like an animal branding. It’s one of the most beautiful moments of my life, and I was pretty sure it was destined to haunt me for the rest of my life.
It had been my first day of the program and I had gotten lost in the building. Because the program had been open to the entire public, it had been held in one of the Dayton’s recreational centers. Having never been to one, I’d gotten lost fairly quickly and had been stumbling my way through the hallways, looking for where the violinists were gathered, because, of course, if Caroline Streetport’s daughter was rocking the violin, so did I. Never mind that I’d never held a violin or any musical instrument, really. Never mind that my playlists were full of nothing but hip-hop and pop music. Never mind that I was more likely to stab myself in the eye with the violin blow than create a musical masterpiece.