Tap. Tap. Tap.
“Fuck …” I blew out a breath and risked a glance at the window.
“Open the door, Livy.”
It had been over four months since I’d seen him. My heart wasn’t ready for him to ask all the questions I knew he was preparing to ask me. But I didn’t have a lot of options, so I unlocked the door.
He opened it. “Scoot over.”
“I’m leaving.”
He glanced around before meeting my gaze again. “Scoot. Over. Now.”
I unfastened my seat belt and crawled into the passenger seat as he slid inside, shut the door, and sped off down the street.
“She’s beautiful,” I said softly after a few minutes of thick silence.
“She is.”
I tried to hide my reaction, like he’d slapped me across the face. There were no more words to say. It was like I got on a plane to Texas just to confirm that he was attracted to his wife, which meant he was fucking his wife, which meant he had genuine feelings for her. And I was the knocked-up mistress.
After a silent fifteen-minute drive, we pulled off the road and drove down a long lane to a huge mansion surrounded by acres of grass and horses.
Halfway down the lane, he veered off into a grassy area facing another white fence and a view of three horses grazing.
“Where are we?” I managed to ask.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Floyd’s house?”
“One of them. He’s not here.” He hopped out and walked to the front of the sedan. Then he stopped and eased back until his butt hit the hood of the car.
When I realized he wasn’t going to turn around and look at me or come open my door, I climbed out of the car and headed straight to the fence, resting my arms on the top rail. “Do you love her?” I asked, feeling brave with him a few feet behind me.
“I care for her.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s the only one I have, Liv.”
“You weren’t coming back, were you?”
“No.”
My lips parted to let out the pain in a silent exhale. “Why?”
“Because I played all of my cards. It was your move.”
“So you knew? You knew the only way we could be together was if I died. If I left my family. If I chose you and only you.”
“Yes.”
I closed my eyes, one tear managed to escape, but I quickly wiped it off my cheek. “And your wife? What would happen to her if I chose you?”
“She would remarry.”
Shaking my head, I released a painful laugh. “How terrible. How insensitive. What if she loves you? What if you love her?”
“She would remarry.” He sounded so unaffected.
I turned. “You make her sound so disposable. Like her life and her feelings don’t matter.”
He blinked several times before crossing his arms over his chest and staring at his boots. “When you think your life is over and someone steps in and gives you a second chance, you feel this … relief. This gratitude for simple things like sunrises and oxygen to breathe. She’s just happy to be alive. Have a home. A job. A second chance.”
“And you.” I quickly batted away another tear. “I saw her smile at you. I saw you smile at her. And you laughed. You never laughed like that for me.”
He glanced up. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Jealousy isn’t a good color on you.”
My teeth gritted. “You’re such an asshole. I don’t know why I came.”
“You came to tell me that you’re pregnant with my baby, and you don’t know if you’re going to leave your life to let me be part of my child’s life.”
“H-how did—”
“I told you. I know your business.”
“My dad?”
He shook his head.
“Jessica?”
“She knew you’d chicken out if you saw me in my new life. Is that what you were getting ready to do before I came back out of the house? Were you going to leave without giving me a chance to plead my case?”
I shook my head, biting my lips together while trying to focus on him though blurry tears. “It’s not that simple.”
“It is that simple. It’s as simple as if I asked you if after you give birth, if you’d be willing to give me and Melinda the baby to raise while you went back to your life. If you’d be willing to never see your child or be part of their life.”
I flinched. “It’s not the—”
“It is the same fucking thing!” His angry hands ran through his hair. “The only difference is I wanted this baby … I actively tried to get you pregnant. I didn’t want there to be a decision for you to make. I wanted you to choose me because we’re meant to be together and have a family and a life!” His eyes shined with tears, and he lost control. “I’ve felt so fucking lonely for as long as I can remember. But with you …” He rolled his lips between his teeth and managed to keep the tears from releasing as he swallowed hard. “With you I felt like I belonged somewhere. With you I felt human even when I knew I was a monster. But you …” He rested his hands on his hips and forced his gaze upward unable to finish his thought. And he blinked, releasing big, fat, wet emotions down his face.
I knew what he was trying to say. I knew it all too well. “I loved the monster because I loved the man first.”
He nodded, bravely giving me his emotion-filled gaze. “I need you more.” He swallowed so hard my own throat felt the pain and suffocation.
More …
He needed me more than my dad or Jessica, or my friends, or Timothy and Tricia … or anyone else needed me.
Family. Who is my family?
The world was too unreachable. Everything was too unattainable.
So I couldn’t have the world, and I couldn’t have everything. That was life. I had a baby in my tummy and a man who loved me. Losing the rest would hurt like hell for a very long time.
The decision wasn’t right or wrong.
It wasn’t easy.
And it was so very far from fair.
But it was necessary.
When my incessant thoughts dragged out in silence, he turned his back to me and dropped his chin, interlacing his fingers behind his neck. “It’s too much to ask.”
I took cautious steps toward him and pressed my lips to the center of his back. “It is too much to ask, but if you love me, you’ll ask it anyway.”
When my hands snaked around his torso, he covered them with his and whispered, “Choose me, Livy.”
Chapter-Forty
Jackson Knight
We buried Livy Knight between her mom and some guy named Jude Day beneath a hill not far from the Golden Gate Bridge. Friends and family mourned her tragic death—a shark attack that left only part of her body and half of her surfboard.
Jessica wiped real tears because the reality of the situation was … Livy was gone. I left my sobbing daughter collapsing in the arms of a man who everyone swore was just like me. She tried to claw her way free for one more kiss, one more hug, one more time of nuzzling her face into my chest.
“You’re emotionally dead,” Jessica said after everyone left the cemetery, leaving just the two of us staring at the empty casket being lowered into the ground. “You will never see her again, and yet … not one single tear.”