But it was the thought of their child that made the fear seem almost acceptable.
He’d never considered wanting children. In fact, he’d made it his goal not to become a father. It wasn’t fair. He’d grown up without his parents, and he didn’t want to leave a child without a father. Still, a selfish part of him wanted to hold his own babe in his arms and rock him or her to sleep. A hefty lad, or an angel of a lass who looked like her mother.
“But I do hope our union is blessed with a child,” he confessed, unable to keep the thought to himself. He wanted to see her expression and hoped she would want it as much as he, even though they’d not spoken of children before.
She turned to face him, and his heart dropped. She twisted her fingers nervously in the blanket. Of course she’d be worried.
After witnessing the birth of wee Cameron, it was no wonder she’d not want to consider such a thing right now. Especially not with a man of his size, who was more likely to sire large bairns.
When she finally spoke, he realized she had a different fear.
“You don’t worry having a family would make things more difficult if Ridley returns?”
“I’m not worried about Ridley. He’ll never take ye from me.” He pulled her into his arms to comfort her. Or possibly himself.
She nodded unconvincingly against his shoulder and closed her eyes.
It was clear she didn’t believe him. The thought that Ridley might come to MacKinlay lands demanding she be returned for trial was a distinct possibility, but he’d not let her face execution in a city he’d never been to by people that weren’t their kin.
She hadn’t voiced her fears in some time. He should have known she’d not forgotten or dismissed the danger lurking from her past. But it had been far easier to be happy and ignore it for as long as they could.
“We have time. It’s not something we need to decide today,” he said.
He’d promised to keep her safe, and he would die upholding that vow. But waiting around for the English to come back was a mistake. He needed to do something now to protect her.
He would speak to Lach about finding a way to clear her name. Cam knew the laws would not be in her favor, but surely there was someone smarter than he who could find a way. Then they would be free to look forward to a future, possibly with children of their own.
Cam drifted off, thinking of such things, and woke still thinking about them.
It was dark. Letting Mari sleep, he slipped out of her warm embrace and dressed. In the hall he found Lach in a chair holding a sleeping twin in each arm. He’d heard the new babe crying and assumed Lach had brought the boys down so they wouldn’t be disturbed by their new brother.
“Can I unburden half your load?” Cam offered, and Lach passed over one of the lads. “Roddy?”
Lach nodded. “You’re getting better at telling them apart.”
“It’s more difficult when they’re asleep.”
“Aye. When they’re awake, their personalities tell you which is which. But in sleep their features even out, and I canna see how they think about things.”
Cam nodded in agreement and studied the sleeping boy on his lap. “Roddy is a bit thinner for he runs around more than his brother, who is more cautious.”
Lach smiled. “Aye.”
“Thank you for the honor of naming the new child after me.”
Lachlan placed a kiss on Douglas’s head. “I hope he grows to be a strong man like you, with a good heart.” He let out a sigh and rested his head back on the chair. “A man who can help me puzzle out how to salvage an alliance with the McCurdy now that I have no chief able to marry his daughter.”
“You haven’t given up on the alliance?”
“Nay. Having another son makes me even more determined. Our clan is growing. I need to find ways to provide for them. Access to the sea opens up a variety of ways to earn a better living.”
“I hate to earn your ire again, but I’ll remind you, you had no chief willing to marry the McCurdy lass in the first place, so as I see it, you’re no worse off today than you were before.”
“And you think I would have allowed ye to shirk your duty had you shown up that day with your cart full of rocks? Penance paid, all forgotten and forgiven? Nay.”
“Can we not find another warrior to marry the lass?” Cam suggested.
Lach looked at him and tilted his head. “You know who would be next in line. Do you think he’d be more willing than you were?”
Lachlan spoke of their other cousin, Bryce. They both knew he would do far more than dig up rocks to get out of marrying again. Years ago he’d been wed, then he and his Maggie had a daughter. But both lasses had died of illness when Bryce was away on a raid. Bryce had lost his heart and since then had refused to wed again. He rarely spoke of bedding another lass, and Cam had never seen him with anyone. It was something he didn’t speak of. Ever.
Once again, Cam was reminded of what he had to lose.
“I’ll make sure the men are ready. Whenever you give the word, we’ll take their clan by force and you’ll have your access to the sea.”
“We have time,” Lach said, resisting the need for war as always.
Cam knew well enough the laird wasn’t a coward. He’d gone off to fight for the French for years. Lach’s blade had certainly drawn more blood than Cam’s. But he didn’t want to take the clan from the McCurdy laird, despite the man running it into the dirt with lack of food and funds.
“Why do you not consider it?” Cam asked.
Lach looked up and blinked. “I have considered it. Many times. It’s simply too great a risk.” He brushed a lock of hair from his son’s forehead and smiled sadly.
Cam frowned. It wasn’t an issue of respect, but of caution.
“You may be war chief,” Lach said, seeing his reaction, “but you’re not the only one in danger of not returning if an attempt to bring down the McCurdy fails. When I was in France, I didn’t think too often of my death, but I find that now I want to be here to see these boys grow into good men. I want to love my wife until her hair turns white. I want those things more than fulfilling my father’s legacy. And I have to think if my da was here, he would want them more as well.”
Cam nodded. It was easy to understand, even if he didn’t agree. “As ye said, we have time.”
Though he wasn’t sure if his words were true. Not for Mari, at any rate. Even now, Ridley could be heading for Dunardry.
Cam had never wanted to take a wife or have a family for fear he’d leave them early if he was struck down in battle. In all that time, he’d not considered the opposite could be the case—that his wife could be taken from him.