Laughing softly, Mallory nodded.
“But time goes on and your body changes and then your relationship changes and the things you’re insecure about get thrown back at you,” Susannah explained quietly. “And you don’t realize how much damage has been done until it’s all you’re left with.”
“Mom…”
“Colton was married before,” she went on. “He was married for ten years until he and his wife just drifted apart. There were no harsh words, no arguing, just two people who simply didn’t want to be married anymore. The first time he told me that, I couldn’t even comprehend what that was like. I had no idea what to say.”
“Everyone’s circumstances are different.”
“And yet they still shape us. Colton walked away from his divorce not completely unscathed. In theory, it sounds simple, but he is a man who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly and completely.”
“So do you, Mom,” Mallory interjected. “Just like you’re not judging Colt because the person he was married to before stopped loving him, no one’s judging you because of Dad…you know.”
She chuckled softly. “I still don’t know if I believe that.”
“You know, we’ve never really talked about it – how Dad’s leaving affected you.”
“At the end of the day, Mal, he’s still your father. For better or for worse. I didn’t want to be the kind of mother who talked badly about my children’s father to them. I didn’t want to be the reason you and Sam didn’t have a relationship with him – didn’t want that responsibility. It was my job to love you both and encourage you on the decisions you needed to make where your father was concerned.”
“You know you had every right to trash talk him.”
She laughed again. “Yeah, I know. I was friends with several women who were also divorced and they all bitched a lot about their exes and all I could remember thinking was how bitter and petty they sounded. Sometimes they talked like that in front of their kids and I saw how it affected them. I didn’t want to do that to you and Sam.”
“We always appreciated it. Although…”
“Although…?”
“I can’t speak for Sam, but I hate how you couldn’t really let your feelings show because of us.”
“I didn’t look at it that way.” She paused. “At the time, it worked.”
“I guess. But I think it’s also why it took you so long to start dating. You had a lot of emotions to deal with.”
“That was only part of it. The real reason I didn’t start dating until you were older was because you and Sam needed me more than I needed to go out on a date. My main role in life was being your mother and it’s a role I have always loved. I didn’t see not dating as a bad thing.”
“What made you decide to go on that first date?” Mallory asked. “And I’m not talking about Colton. I’m talking about when we were living back up in New York.”
“Oh, my goodness. It was right after you and Sam left for college. My friend Heather asked if I would go on a double date with her. I was terrified. It had been ten years since I’d been out anywhere with a man and over twenty years since I’d gone out on a date with someone new!” She laughed at the memory.
“And how was it?”
“Awkward,” Susannah replied, still laughing. “I was so nervous and the guy – I can’t even remember his name – but he was such a jerk. He made it abundantly clear that he was looking for someone younger and flirted with the waitress most of the night. Heather apologized profusely and promised to make it up to me. She set me up a few more times before I finally asked her to stop and tried figuring it all out on my own.”
“You never talked about it much – your dates and all.”
Shrugging, Susannah reached for her coffee. “There wasn’t much to talk about. No one really interested me and I never got intimate with any of them. It just felt wrong.”
“Wow. So then when you and Colton…”
“Yup.” She gave a curt nod. “It had been a long, long time.”
“Again, wow.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Was it…?”
“Weird? Terrifying?” she prompted with a giggle. “Yes. It was all that and more.”
Mallory laughed with her. “I’m sure Colton made it all right.”
“He was beyond patient with me. I refused to turn the lights on for a long time. I couldn’t imagine any man wanting to see me naked. Hell, I didn’t even want to see me naked!”
“You’re in great shape, Mom, please. You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“While I’m dressed, sure, I look good. But take all this off and there isn’t anything particularly firm or perky anymore.”
Rolling her eyes, Mallory took another bite of her muffin. “That’s just part of life.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re only twenty-seven.”
“You know I spent a lot of my teenage years being chubby. I worked hard to get in shape and then to get rid of the freshman fifteen I put on in college.”
Susannah patted her daughter’s hand delicately. “Someday you’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about.”
Putting the rest of her muffin down, Mallory faced her. “Let me ask you something.”
“O-kay…”
“Has Colton ever said anything negative about your body?”
“Uh…no.”
“Does he insist on keeping the lights off?”
She chuckled softly. “Definitely not.”
“And he clearly still enjoys sex with you, right?”
If the last twenty-four hours were anything to go by…
Susannah nodded.
“Then what are you so worried about? Do you know how many women your age would love to have a man look at them the way Colton looks at you?”
“Um…”
“Plenty!” she cried. “Hell, I see couples come into my shop all the time and most of them look like they barely tolerate each other.”
“Well, if they’ve been married a long time…”
“It has nothing to do with how long they’ve been married,” Mallory argued. “It’s about how you feel about each other. I’ve seen elderly couples come in and you can tell just by looking at them how they are still deeply in love. Sometimes they look just as sweet and doe-eyed for each other as a couple in a new relationship! It’s precious!”
“I’m not sure what that has to do with…”
“Look, I can’t force you to change your mind about marrying Colton. I wish I could, but I can’t.” Pausing, she let out a long breath. “But I can encourage you to embrace who you are and where your life is at right now.”
Tears sprang to Susannah’s eyes.
“You’re a rock star, Mom. You are this kick-ass woman who came through some really hard times and decided to take on all of this!” She motioned around the room. “You’re starting a business and doing something incredible! You never let anyone stop you – not even Dad. You just keep going and watching you and all you’ve accomplished is inspiring!”