I’m hurting everyone right now, including myself, but I feel powerless to stop it. Guilt and horror consume me, and I pull away, putting my hand on his chest and pushing him back a little to get some space.
He doesn’t notice my unease and lovingly brushes my hair behind my ear with one finger. “What shall we do today?”
I shake my head and say the first excuse that pops into my brain, “I’m going to my mum’s house. She called Friday and asked me to come over today. I forgot. I just remembered.” As I say the words, I realise how much I need them to be true. I need to speak to my mum, talk things through with someone who won’t judge me, someone who knows Jared and can help me see sense in this whole clusterfuck situation. I also need one of my nanna’s hugs.
He raises one eyebrow. “Yeah? Okay. I could come? Drive down there, save you getting the train?”
“No.” But I’m too quick to answer; it comes out a little aggressive and forceful.
Both of them notice, and Jared’s forehead creases with a frown that I long to smooth away with my finger.
“Is everything okay?” His eyes are searching mine.
I can see the concern there, and it makes me feel worse because he shouldn’t have to worry about me. I don’t deserve his concern. I hate that he’s worried about me. I want to throw my arms around him and tell him everything’s going to be okay, but I can’t because I don’t know if it will be.
I force a smile and set my hand on his bare chest, feeling the heat of him under my palm and the steady thump of his heart. My own heart gives a sympathetic squeeze in time with his. This is painful.
“Sorry. Yes, everything’s fine.” I go up on my tiptoes and kiss him, hating myself, loving the kiss, loving his taste, hating that Theo is watching. What an oxymoron. My guilt is overwhelming, and I can feel tears prickle at the backs of my eyes.
With Jared’s arms wrapped around me and his mouth on mine, I silently wish I hadn’t gone to that party at all last night, that I’d never had the truth revealed about Theo. Jared had been making me blissfully happy for weeks before I knew that he wasn’t the man I thought he was. Doesn’t that count for something? Or is what we have not enough now that I know Theo has been there, waiting in the wings, my perfect man?
I pull back and put on a brave face even though my heart is breaking inside. “I should go get dressed. Would you drive me to the train station?”
Jared’s eyes are locked on mine. I can tell he’s trying to drag the hidden truth from them, sensing something’s wrong but not knowing what. He blinks a couple of times and sighs before giving me a little nod. “Course.”
His arms drop from my waist as I step away. I miss them immediately.
twenty.two
After kissing Jared good-bye outside the station, I’m crying so much that I give myself hiccups, and the lady I’m seated opposite on the train buys me a cup of tea and a jam doughnut to try to cheer me up. I can’t seem to stop myself. The kiss was so beautifully bittersweet. I wasn’t sure if it was just on my end, but it felt like it was weighted with sadness. It felt like a last kiss. And that knowledge felt like someone was slowly cutting my heart out.
By the time I get to Mum’s, my nose is blocked, my forehead is red and blotchy, and my throat is sore. I didn’t call them to tell them I was coming, so when I let myself in the back garden, they both look up, startled.
“Amy? What’s happened, sweetheart?” Mum asks, dropping the gardening tools and throwing off her gloves as I rush to her and throw my arms around her, fresh tears wetting her shirt.
I cling to her, unsure of where to even start.
Nanna walks up, wrapping her arms around the both of us. The warmth and comfort of their combined hug is like sinking into a warm bath after a long day.
“Has something happened with Jared? Have you two …” Nanna asks, trailing off.
I whimper and pull back, my chin wobbling as I struggle to catch my breath. “It’s all ruined,” I croak.
Mum strokes my hair, her forehead wrinkling in concern.
Nanna cups my cheek with her hand, and her eyes wander my face. “Is this why they call it an ugly cry?”
“Mum!” Mum elbows Nanna in the side in reprimand, but the joke lightens the mood fractionally, and I suck in a deep breath, trying to articulate this whole horrific misunderstanding.
“The guy I fell in love with isn’t the guy I’m dating.” My words come out husky and broken from all the crying.
“What do you mean?” Nanna asks.
Mum and Nanna exchange a confused glance before Mum tilts her head, looking at me so I can tell she’s trying to get a read on the situation.
“Let’s go sit down. Amy, you need to calm down, sweetheart. I can feel you trembling. Take a few deep breaths,” Mum suggests.
I allow myself to be led to the table, and I sink down on one of the plush chairs, catching Puzzle as he makes a leap for my lap.
“Now then, what’s this all about?” Mum asks, softly stroking my knee.
I snuggle my face into Puzzle’s neck and absentmindedly stroke him. “I went to the party last night at Jared’s parents’ house. His brother, Theo, turned up a bit late, and when he walked in, I found out that he and Jared are twins! Almost-identical twins.” I look around with wide eyes, expecting gasps of horror, but judging by the blank looks they’re giving me, they haven’t gotten it. I gulp. “Theo is the one from the train, not Jared.”
That does it. The penny drops.
Mum’s eyebrows shoot up into her hairline as she sits back in her chair, her breath coming out in one long gust.
Nanna clicks her tongue and points at me excitedly. “Gemini! I told you I got some Gemini vibes, didn’t I? I thought it was a star sign I was feeling, but Gemini is twins. Ha! Called it.” A smug smile creeps on her face as she looks from me to Mum and back again, not understanding the importance of the information. I press my lips together and watch the realisation slowly settle over her face, and her smile falters. “Wait, the twin brother is the one from the train?”
I nod, swiping at the tear that falls down my cheek.
“Oh,” Mum sighs, slowly shaking her head. “Well, this is a mess. So, you really did meet Jared in that coffee shop?”
My head is aching from all the crying, so I reach up and massage my forehead with one hand. “Yeah. And it gets worse.” My voice is almost a whisper now. “I kissed Theo.”
Mum gasps. “Amy! What were you thinking? I’ve never known you to cheat before. What is this all about?”
Her reprimand along with her scowl of disapproval make my stomach hurt. I’ve not seen her this disappointed in me since I got in trouble with the police for accidentally kicking a football into a neighbour’s greenhouse and running away. I was eight at the time.
I adamantly shake my head. “I didn’t know it was him. I thought the guy on the train was Jared. I kissed him a couple of weeks ago, but it turns out, it was Theo. I didn’t even know he existed at the time. I thought they were the same person.”
Does that make it better, more acceptable? I think so, but I’m not sure.
“Was it a good kiss?” Nanna asks.
Mum scoffs and turns her disapproval to Nanna, “What’s that got to do with anything?”