Nanna nods. “Okay. On another note, has the brother made any indications that he’s interested in you? Did he remember you from the train?”
“Yeah,” I croak, my eyes burning with tears again as I think about mine and Theo’s conversation in the kitchen this morning. “Turns out, he liked me, too, and was working up to asking me out.”
“And do you fancy the brother?” Nanna checks.
I close my eyes and think back to the kitchen, that split second where his arm brushed mine. I was physically attracted to him, yes. “Yeah, but …”
She raises one eyebrow. “But?”
I flick my eyes to Mum, seeing she’s gone quiet, reflective, just listening to my words and silently making judgement. My stomach constricts. “But they look exactly alike. I fancy the pants off Jared, so it surely means nothing that I’m attracted to his exact body double?”
Nanna sips her tea, watching me over the rim, as Mum asks, “Question for you then. If they were both available, both wanted to be with you, and you could be with either of them with no consequences or hurt feelings, which would you choose? The nerdy one or the quiet one?”
I can’t answer. That’s the exact thing I don’t know.
Nanna answers for me, “Well, that’s hardly a fair question. She’s only spoken to this Theo properly, what, two, three times?”
I nod.
Nanna purses her lips. “Then, you need to get to know him. Make an informed choice,” she says.
“I can’t do that to Jared.” I adamantly shake my head.
I don’t want to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve any of this; neither of them does. My thoughts flash to Jared saying he was falling down the rabbit hole with me, that he loved me. Inside my head, I can hear those three spectacular words spoken in his voice, clear as day. My skin prickles, and my insides swirl with guilt and mortification. I am going to hurt him, I know it, and that thought makes me hate the very essence of myself even though none of this is really my fault.
Mum blows out a big breath. “Here’s my advice.”
I look up at her, waiting for her pearls of wisdom, praying she has something that can make this all right again—maybe a magic wand or some sort of spell?
“You’ve always been an honest person. I think you should be truthful with Jared, tell him what’s happened. You’ve not cheated, and none of this is your fault. Maybe he’ll understand.”
Nanna snorts indignantly, making Puzzle jerk in his sleep. “And maybe, when you tell him, he’ll run a mile, and the choice will be taken away from you. Maybe you won’t ever see him again.”
I gasp, horrified. Her words are like a knife to the stomach. The mere suggestion of not seeing him is painful. My heart squeezes in my chest with grief at the thought of the loss of him. It doesn’t bear thinking about. I don’t know what I feel for whom, but I know that I don’t want to lose him. What if I could somehow work it out, pick them apart? What if it is Jared I am supposed to be with and I ruin everything with the truth?
“When are you due to see one of them next?” Nanna asks.
I swallow around the lump in my throat, tightly wrapping my arms around myself. “Tomorrow. Theo is due on my train.” My chin wobbles. My crush, not my boyfriend. Two separate entities.
“And when are you seeing Jared?”
I sniff, wincing as I take a swig of the spiked tea. “Not until Tuesday after work. He’s got a dinner meeting Monday night with clients.”
Nanna nods. “You have a bit of time then. Talk to Theo tomorrow. If there’s nothing there between you, problem solved.”
Mum raises one eyebrow. “And if there is?”
“Problem doubled,” Nanna replies, looking at me as she squeezes my knee sympathetically.
We lapse into silence, and I stare into my cup, wondering how all this got so messed up, so quickly. One minute, I’m floating on a cloud with an amazing boyfriend who has confessed he loves me. Next minute, I’m trying to cross traffic at rush hour, my heart in my mouth and my stomach twisted in knots.
Suddenly, it hits me. I look over at Mum. “Crossroads. You saw it in the cards. You said I would have to choose a path.” I close my eyes and groan.
Mum nods, and I can tell she already came to that conclusion a while ago while I was talking. “I don’t think there is a wrong choice here, sweetheart. You just have to work out what you want and then go for it.”
“And not break anyone’s heart in the process,” I mutter, knowing it’s too late.
My own heart is already splintered and fractured after this; it’s just a matter of damage limitation now.
twenty.three
I’ve barely slept for two days. My body aches with tiredness, my brain hurts with confusion, and my heart aches because it’s fundamentally broken.
I’m not looking forward to today. I have the dreaded Monday blues that everyone else has but for good reason. Today, I will be seeing Theo on the train, and I don’t have the first clue what I’m going to say to him.
I spent the day yesterday talking with my mum and nanna and arrived home in the early evening none the wiser. After that, I called reinforcements, and Heather came over to talk me down too. She basically agreed with my family; it wasn’t my fault, but I needed to try and work out what I was feeling and for whom before it went any further with Jared.
So, that’s what I’m going to attempt today. I want to work out three things:
1. If I am physically attracted to Theo.
2. If we have better chemistry than I do with Jared.
3. If I am with Jared because I thought he was Theo, or did I, somewhere along the line, fall in love with Jared for himself?
I don’t know how I’m going to work out those things. I’m just going to have to wing it. My nanna suggested just simply getting to know Theo a little more, so that is as good a place to start than any. A harmless chat to see if it sheds any light on the situation.
When I see him rushing towards the train, my heart sinks. He looks great in a black suit with a Thanks for the memories Stan Lee T-shirt underneath—so different to Jared’s usual tailored splendour.
I realise then that this is going to be harder than I thought to decipher. I hate that I think he’s cute when I see him. I was hoping to see him and for it all to be clear one way or the other. But them looking identical makes the physically attractive point impossible. Of course I think he’s hot. I think Jared is hotter than wasabi-coated peanuts, so it’s a no-brainer that I fancy Theo too.
As I somehow knew he would be, Theo is late and barely makes it aboard and in his seat before the doors close.
As the train departs, I take a few deep breaths, trying to prepare myself as I begin my job, collecting tickets and working my way through the train.
My feet falter as I step over the threshold of the refreshments carriage. My eyes widen, and my palms grow damp with sweat. Theo is in there, leaning casually against the counter as he waits for his drink to be made. Elaine, the barista, bustles around, chatting over her shoulder while he nods along and throws her smiles. I stop, watching the exchange, noticing again how free Theo is with his smiles; he hands them out like they’re flyers to a circus. So different to Jared, who is more serious. His smiles are earned and meaningful.