“Because…” I don’t sleep with clients. I wasn’t sure if that truth stopped me because I wanted to fuck Noah or because I wouldn’t. With Noah, there was emotion, and with my clients, it was strictly business. “Because we’re friends.”
“You’re scared. You don’t know how to give up control. Every little part of your world is orchestrated from the second you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. That’s not living, Avery.”
“And fucking you is the answer? You think that’s going to make me seem somehow more alive?”
“Why not? Maybe you need to get laid.”
“What I need is for you to leave.” Why had I ever let him in? He saw my place and now thought he had me all figured out. “You don’t even know me, Noah, so don’t pretend you’re the solution to my problems.”
Right now, my biggest problem was him and the fact that he was suggesting things I didn’t want to hear. I stood, hoping he’d do the same and walk his ass out the door.
“I know you’re uptight. You pretend to be calm and indifferent, but you’re wound so tight you need to run in place for an hour a day just to unwind enough to function.”
“So what? You jump out of planes to feel alive!”
“I jump to feel detached. You should try letting go some time. You might like it.”
“I’ve done the uncertainty thing. I don’t need to fling myself out of a plane to know I’m alive and temporary. And I don’t need to have meaningless sex with random men to prove I can. I like balance and security—”
“You date a different guy every night! That’s structure, not security.”
“That’s how I prefer to live. I choose the boundaries, and I determine how long they stay.”
“None of it’s real.”
“That’s how I want it.” Real was complicated.
“Don’t you get lonely?”
My lips pressed tight. The loneliness was the hardest part, but I was too much of a control freak to rely on others when it came to my happiness. Even in marriages, people walked away, people changed, people died.
“I manage.”
“Let go, Avery. Just for one night. If we’re really friends, trust me and let me take the reins.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“No, Noah, I can’t. I have a system and—”
“Fine. But in my mind, friends go places and hang out together. And sometimes, friendships evolve.” He stood. “I’m sorry I crashed here last night.”
Something tightened in my chest. “You’re mad.”
“I’m annoyed.”
“Noah, I said we could be friends—”
“I’m not your buddy, Avery. I’m a guy who’s painfully attracted to you, and no matter what I do or say, it changes nothing. Every time I hear your door open it’s another man taking out the woman I want. I can’t do this anymore. You won’t even give me a chance.”
“The reason I won’t go anywhere with you is because to you it would be a date, when to me it would be nothing more than friendship.”
“I told you I don’t date, Avery. Why can’t we just have fun and leave the labels out of it.”
“I don’t know you, but I know that’s a lie. You wouldn’t care this much if you were just after sex. You want something more than that and I can’t give it to you. It wouldn’t work between us.”
“How do you know?”
I drew in a deep breath, hiding my emotions far below the surface. I didn’t know, but I also didn’t want to be so forgettable that a man could fuck me and forget me. “I just know.”
His eyes narrowed. “If life’s so damn predictable, then why do you need so much control?” He shook his head. “You won’t even admit you’re attracted to me and I know you are. We have chemistry, and I’m not buying that it’s one-sided. We might work as a couple, and that’s what scares you. At least I’m open-minded enough to consider the possibility.”
“Open minded? You just went from claiming you don’t date to talking about us as a possible couple. Which is it?”
“I don’t know! But the unknown excites the fuck out of me, especially when it has to do with you.” He ran a hand through his hair and shifted his glare away as if regretting his words. “You’re under my skin, and I can’t get you out. Maybe if we just tried…”
“Noah, please. I’m not going to date you, and I’m not going to fuck you. We’re friends, and that’s it.”
His jaw locked hard enough that the muscles bulged under the stubble. His nostrils flared. “This…” He waved a finger between us. “This can’t go on. I hate it.”
I never meant to cause him this much stress. “If you got to know me better, you’d see I’m not right for you. If we could just try being friends—”
His glare returned to me, penetrating and cutting off my words. “You have plenty of empty relationships with—” air quotes “—friends.”
“What are you saying?” I’d assumed this was a game to him, but the stress showed in his eyes. Maybe he still didn’t feel well enough for this conversation.
“I… I don’t know.” He forked his fingers through his hair again. “I don’t want to be one more meaningless relationship in your life, Avery. I want to be the one who gets all your attention, at least until we figure out what this is between us.”
My head shook. Keeping up with his Jekyll and Hyde desires gave me whiplash. In a small voice, I said, “Two minutes ago you said it was just—”
His hand cut through the air. “That was then. This is now.” His gaze locked with mine, sharp and challenging. “I’m laying it all on the table. I want you—as more than a friend and possibly for more than one night. I don’t know how to shut it off, and I’m tired of acting like it’s some passing phase.” His arms spread, exposing his palms. “I’m putting it all out there, Avery. No more games. Just say yes, and we can figure out what this is once and for all.”
My heart raced, and I felt myself shrinking inside. He was too forward, too attractive, and too self-assured. I’d never have control of him and the thought of giving up my neatly controlled life terrified me. He lived twenty feet from my fragile world, and too much tampering could leave everything in pieces.
Folding my arms around my waist, I dropped my gaze to the floor. “We’re just neighbors, Noah. I’m just a temporary piece of furniture in your world, and in a minute I’ll be gone.”
He shook his head. “No, Avery, you’re this accidental shift I didn’t expect, and no matter how much I try to ignore your presence in the fray of my day to day life, you’ve totally consumed my thoughts. There’s a reason for that. There’s a reason I find myself zoning out in business meetings trying to picture the exact shade of your eyes.”
His words surprised and delighted me, but they also scared me. “I thought I was just some conquest to you.”
“I guess I was lying to myself. I like you, Avery. I want to know you better. I want to be everything that makes you nervous and unsure, everything that scares and excites you, everything that makes you sigh and moan. But you have to let me.”