“I understand,” I told him. Understanding was the only thing I could do. Telling him that I did was the simple answer, and the simplest thing to do. I had to try and understand.
“Jia if there’s a way I’ll find it,” he promised. “If there’s a way for us to be together, I’ll find it. I think about it all the time and every time I do the obstacles hit me. All the ways it could go wrong. The consequences of me simply putting you in my car and driving like hell out of here. Never to return. All I can say for now is that if there’s any way for me to be with you, I will find it.”
Dare I hope. “Thank you. Thank you for saying that.”
“I mean it.” The deep conviction in his eyes reached out to me.
“I know.” I knew he did. There was so much going on though. I did take comfort in knowing he cared and that it was real between us. Real enough for him to factor me in the way he was.
“I’m glad you know. I am… Believe me when I say that I truly hate this situation with you and Armand. I hate it Jia. Makes me feel helpless and useless. I can’t possibly describe how much I hate it. And, every time I see him he does something to remind me of how bad the situation is. Look at today. It was just fucked up.”
Today was a snap shot of what my life would be like with Armand.
It ripped the fabric of reason from beneath me and left me floating in midair not knowing what to do, or where I was going. It left me empty with darkness filling my soul. Draining hope from me.
“It means a lot that you said that.”
“I mean it. It was bad Jia and I nearly killed him. I think I would have if Frankie hadn’t stop me.”
Today with Armand was bad, but there was more wasn’t there?
There was what I saw the other day with Frankie, and the suspicions Frankie raised.
Should I even tell Xander?
It wasn’t that we saw anything big happen but the significant thing about it was it was suspicious.
“It grieves me to no end that I’m going to end up with someone like that. He’s not someone I can trust, and… I saw something the other day. Something suspicious. Maybe it will be of interest to you.”
“What was it?” He looked curious.
“Armand exchanging a packet with a guy and it crossed my mind that maybe it was him who allowed those people to come in the night of the shoot out.”
“Did you see the guy?”
“Looked Italian like a boss. That was what I thought. I doubt it though. The other crime families don’t just come on Marchesi turf like that, not even casually. They keep away. Whatever it was it looked suspicious.” I left out what Frankie said. I didn’t want to drop his name when I didn’t need to. It wouldn’t be right.
“Thank you. I’ll consider it.”
I breathed out a sigh. “Did that just make me an informant?”
“No, and I won’t ask you to be either. We don’t talk about any of that stuff when we’re together.”
I smiled at that.
“Could we… could we just forget. Like we always do?” I asked. “We could pretend that we’re back to a week or so ago and we’re together.”
“I can do that. What should we do?”
“Can you just lie next to me. I just want you to hold me, even for a little while.”
“Of course, baby.” He shuffled and I rested against his chest while I nibbled on the sandwich.
“Xander.” I thought I’d start talking about something else. Something to bring the conversation back to finding out more things about him.
“Yeah?” He stroked my cheek.
“I want to know more about you. Not your job. But you. What do you like? What don’t you like?”
His sensual lips arched and I savored the rise and fall of his chest. “I like peanut butter and I hate ketchup.”
I lifted my head and laughed. “I hate peanut butter and I totally love ketchup. I have it with everything.”
He made a face of distaste. “God Jia, the thing looks like blood. The nasty kind.”
“It tastes amazing and there’s spicy ketchup.”
“Spicy blood.”
I laughed and really looked at him as he smirked. This talk of food and the mundane made me think of other things too, other things I could ask.
We talked just like that for hours and it felt great.
We were truly inside that bubble and I allowed myself to be there in the moment.
As night fell I found myself wondering what forever would feel like with him. I was getting married in weeks.
Marriage in my head was forever and I’d always prayed I’d find someone I’d love beyond life and death.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I was supposed to be over the moon with excitement and joy while engaged and I was supposed to be in love. That was the key point of significance. I was supposed to be in love with my man and counting down the days to be his.
Not counting down the days to doom.
As I listened to Xander talk about how much he enjoyed watching the different seasons change and how he loved winter because of the snow, I imagined days spent with him, just like this. Talking and connecting on an emotional level, enhancing whatever we did physically. He’d definitely make some lucky woman a wonderful husband someday.
Maybe he had…
Maybe he’d had someone that way or someone close. The question was on my mind now and I was eager to know.
“Xander,” I began.
He smiled down at me. “Yes baby.”
I shuffled to straighten up and looked at him. “Did you … ever get married? Or meet anyone you wanted to marry?”
His blue gaze held mine, and the faint light that had previously twinkled in the depths receded, going out. When what I could only describe as unspoken pain came into his eyes guilt for asking the question tugged on my heart.
It was always his eyes that gave him away. Always his eyes, and now it was accompanied with the prolonged silence.
“I’m sorry… I.. I didn’t mean to pry. I just…” I was prying. That wasn’t a run of the mill question, and different to the do you have a girlfriend question.
Asking if he’d had a wife or anybody like that was totally prying. It was asking if he’d ever been in love. And, if that did happen he clearly wasn’t with her anymore so it hadn’t worked out.
My stupid foot loved to live in my mouth sometimes and I didn’t think.
“Don’t apologize.” He spoke in a low even tone and blinked, seeming to recapture his focus which was me.
“I should. I didn’t think. I guess I just wanted to know, and curiosity got the better of me.” It was a lame ass apology. An attempt to take back words I shouldn’t have spoken.
“The answer is yes. It was yes.”
Was…
So she did exist. I wasn’t about to make myself look worse however by asking to elaborate on what the ‘was’ meant, or prod any further.
“She… um… she died.” He filled in. He must have seen my internal struggle of wanting to know more. “She was killed.”
My eyes widened in response. I never guessed the was could mean that. You never tended to think of the worst possible thing.
“Oh my God, Xander I’m so sorry. I feel so bad for asking and making you talk about something so painful. I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t imagine what he must have gone through.