I swallow down the rush of emotions and meet Nessie’s gaze. “Tyler left all this money for me to donate to a shelter or a charity. I have no idea what to do with it. I want to buy everyone in need of a pair of shoes and socks and food and...” I shake my head. “I just want to help.”
Nessie places a hand on my shoulder but doesn’t hug me, and I’m so grateful because I know if she were to wrap her arms around me, I’d crumble right now. “Why don’t we go talk to the concierge? Maybe they can find some contacts since we have to leave soon.”
I nod, appreciating her clear and decisive thoughts that help me formulate a plan. I pull in a deep breath and work to make a list of what we need to do, items that will help the most.
Nessie and I head down to the lobby, finding the concierge who we relay our intentions to. He nods patiently and then shakes his head, telling us he has no contacts or ideas.
His response feels like a bludgeon, destroying the plan I so desperately need to carry out, not only for my sanity, but because I still see the numerous individuals we passed who were trying to sleep on the lit streets for safety, regardless of the loud noises, bright lights, and constant traffic.
“I might be able to help you,” an employee says as she smiles at me. “Mr. Banks had asked me to do some research on shelters and nonprofits in the area who help the homeless community, and I was planning to send it up to you this afternoon.” She smiles at the concierge behind the desk. “May I?”
He moves to the side, watching as she clicks and taps several times before returning her gaze to us. “Let me print this up, and then I’ll share with you my findings.” She moves to the printer and then has us follow her into the lobby, where we sit at a small table, peering over the information as she explains the different services they each provide.
“If I leave some money with you, and how I want it allocated, are you able to send it to them?”
She nods. “Absolutely, Ms. Robinson.”
I take one of the hotel pens from my purse along with the stack of bills, carefully tearing off Tyler’s note and securing it in my wallet. I count through the cash twice before jotting down the increments and how I’d like them divided.
It’s a short plan, one that is too simple and too fast, but as we head back up to our hotel room, I feel a small sense of gratitude slip around the heartache that makes each of my breaths feel too shallow.
“What happened?” Nessie asks as we step into the suite. “Did you guys break up?”
I shake my head. I don’t think so. Maybe?
No. He said we’d figure it out.
Right?
My thoughts spin, and my heart clenches. It’s clear she knows Tyler’s gone. He would have run into Cooper yesterday when he came up to pack. Still, I understand her confusion. “His dad came and got him. They went back to London so he can start preparing to be his father’s successor.”
“Why didn’t you tell him to stay?”
“I couldn’t make him choose me any more than I could have asked you or Cooper to choose me. He loves this company. The history and legacy of it mean so much to him. I can’t take that from him.”
She shakes her head. “There has to be another way.
I brush away more tears. “We need to go. It’s time.”
Our seats on the flight bringing us back to Seattle are first class.
I’d prefer the noise and bustle from the economy seats because my thoughts are deafening as the past twenty-four hours and the past couple of weeks replay again and again. I’m desperate for something to drown them out.
The sensible side of me wants to contest my sadness, provide reason and fact for why I’m overreacting, reminding me that Tyler and I had only been together for a second in the grand scheme of things.
But each time the logical part of me tries to make this a neat and organized list, my emotions crash down, and memories rain on me like a hurricane, pulling two years of stolen glances and smirks and kind gestures that he worked so hard to camouflage behind a wall of confidence and strength.
I consider if I should try calling him as I work to figure out where he might be right now.
My thoughts run freely, all ending with the same realization—this was inevitable. He told me from the beginning that the hotel was his future and that included traveling all across the world, constant meetings and obligations to honor his role. I knew he loved the company and that eventually, this choice would have to be made. This pain would have been felt now or later.
When we land in Seattle, the skies are as overcast as my mood, but the realization we have a ton of things we need to do before school starts in a few weeks helps distract my thoughts as we find the car that was arranged for us.
“He knew we had all our stuff in storage,” Cooper says as the car pulls up to the Banks Hotel in downtown Seattle.
The reservation is for two suites, smaller than the ones we’ve stayed in during our trip, but equally nice. Only now, I’m alone in a room that feels too big and foreign.
I take a seat at the small dining room table and find my notebook and one of the dozens of hotel pens I’ve somehow collected and start making a list of everything we need to do:
Make arrangements to pick up the car
Make arrangements to pick up keys for the apartment
Arrange U-Haul
Unpack storage locker
Moving day—move in to apartment
Go grocery shopping
Submit job applications
Talk to Cooper
Talk to Nessie.
There’s a knock on my door, and hope floods my heart, making it feel like an overfilled washing machine again as I glance at the clock and then back to the door.
Would he be able to fly back from England?
Did he leave?
I stand from the table and try to reel in my thoughts, knowing disappointment hurts nearly as much as regret, and I know because I’ve spent nearly twenty-four hours drowning in guilt for not admitting my feelings for Tyler two years sooner.
Nessie’s on the other side of the door, a pillow in her arms.
“What are you doing?” I ask her.
“I thought we could have a sleepover.”
My eyes begin to mist over. “Are you sure?”
She hugs me, the pillow pressing against my side, making me feel like we’re in a marshmallow. “You’ve been so quiet,” she says.
“I feel so silly,” I admit to her, taking several steps back as my chin begins to shake. “I knew this would happen eventually, and we were together for only days, so it seems like this would be the best situation because it causes the least pain—and yet it hurts so much.” I place a hand across my chest from where the pain seems to be radiating. “And I know you’re mad at me, and Cooper’s mad at me. I don’t know how everything just erupted all at once.” Tears blur my vision.
Nessie’s arms encircle me again, sans pillow. “I don’t think anyone could tell you how long it takes to fall for someone else. The heart doesn’t have a timer or a calendar or a set of rules. It wants what it wants. Loves who it loves.” Her voice is soft and gentle, an allowance for my tears and sadness that grow with her words.
I pull away from her again, my lips dry and my cheeks wet. I go in search of tissues and return to the living room where Nessie is sitting on the couch. She pats the space beside her, and I fill it, wiping more stray tears. “I don’t even know what to think or feel,” I tell her. “I mean, he just left. It’s like I haven’t even been able to register the reality of the situation because I don’t know what the reality is.”