Chloe: I miss you, too. Good luck on your first day.
I pocket my phone and move around to the front of my desk. It doesn’t feel that far outside of my norm to be in an office setting, focusing on spreadsheets and projections, in fact, it helps to be at work where I can focus all my thoughts and efforts on things that don’t have me considering how long a flight would take to get me to Seattle.
31
Chloe
It’s been a week since we returned from California. Four days since Nessie and I moved into our apartment downtown. It’s barely bigger than the suite I was staying in, and the amenities pale in comparison, but the normalcy is comforting. We have two bedrooms and one tiny bathroom, a kitchen that won’t allow more than one drawer or appliance to be open at the same time, and a living room that is so small our couch has to sit at an angle for our front door to open. I don’t mind the tiny space. It feels kind of cozy, and having our things out of storage and in the same place every day has been nice.
The doorbell rings, and Nessie glances at me as she straightens her hair, checking to make sure I’m ready. I pull in a deep breath and nod.
She opens the door, and Cooper stands there, his attention bouncing between Nessie and me, discomfort and hesitation apparent as his shoulders square, and he hangs back from the door.
Nessie reaches a hand out, and he takes it, stepping into the apartment. She kisses his cheek and grabs her purse. “You guys need to talk.”
His eyes round as he looks from her to me and then back to Nessie. “What?”
“You guys are best friends. You need to get past this. I’m going to take a walk and pick up some pizza. I’ll be back.” She kisses him again.
Cooper remains by the door, his gaze over my shoulder, over my head, at my feet.
“Why can’t you look at me?” I ask him, calling him on the fact.
His eyes finally meet mine, but quickly shift away. “I am.”
“Why aren’t you talking to me?” I ask him.
His gaze darts back to mine. “I am.”
“Yeah, like we’re strangers. You talk to me all formally, and you never call or return my texts. I’ve tried talking to you about Ricky and Tyler, and you just tell me everything’s fine.”
His jaw ticks, and his attention moves to the short hall that leads to the bathroom. “Why didn’t you tell me about Ricky, Chloe? Why didn’t you let me help you?”
My eyes flood with tears I’ve managed to keep away for the past two days, and a pronounced frown forms on my wobbly mouth. “Because I was embarrassed,” I tell him. “I was really embarrassed.”
Cooper says my name so quietly it sounds like a breath as he closes the short distance between us and hugs me.
“I knew how much you hated Ricky and how dumb you thought it was that I was dating him, and I felt so embarrassed by what happened, and a part of me felt like you deserved to tell me that I should have expected it. He was such an asshole in high school. I don’t know how I overlooked all of it and how stupid it was that I felt special because he finally noticed me.”
Cooper shakes his head. “I’m your best friend. You’ve seen me at my absolute worst, during stretches where I was terrified I’d turn out like my dad and when everyone made fun of me and teased me. You saw the ugliest years of my life. And it hurt that you didn’t allow me in when you were hurt, when you needed me. I want to help you, just like you’ve always helped me, so maybe it was my pride, but I just felt like you not only kept a secret from me, but it was a secret about a situation I was supposed to be there for—a situation I wanted to be there for.”
And for the first time since July, when it all happened, I cry and tell Cooper all the details of that afternoon, including all my ugly fears and admitting to him for the first time how it impacted me—how there’s an edge of doubt I have about everyone I encounter. How that man in Vegas had triggered me, and how I’d been able to recall the look in Ricky’s eyes, the ugly words he used as he accused me of being a tease and used them to justify what he was trying to do.
Cooper listens to each of my confessions and replaces each of them with a validation and assurance. And I know that he’s right because, through all of the ugly, I’ve learned so much about myself.
“Knock knock,” Nessie says, carrying two pizzas. She winces as she looks across the battlefield of our faces, mine likely red and tear-streaked and Cooper’s exhausted. “How are we doing?” she asks.
Cooper nods. “We’re good.”
Nessie’s green eyes return to me for confirmation, a hopeful smile curving her lips.
I nod. “Thanks, Ness.”
Her smile becomes a sigh. “I’m glad. I know you guys had a lot to talk about.” She comes into the living room and sets the pizzas down on our coffee table.
“Since I’m already going to need half a bottle of medicine for my crying-induced headache, can we discuss Virginia?” I move to the far end of the couch so she can sit beside Cooper.
Her eyebrows rise with surprise as she takes a seat, keeping my gaze.
“I wanted to go, but I also didn’t. Leaving Florida was hard, but I had you guys, and then after that situation with Ricky, I just really didn’t want to be alone for the year.”
Nessie’s shoulders sink as she reaches out a hand, resting it on my knee as a fresh round of tears pool in my eyes.
I continue. “I know you want what’s best for me, and you’re always so good at pushing me to be the best version of myself, and I knew if I tried to tell you about it, you’d want me to go because I’ve talked about this for so long. I know I lied and how unfair that was of me, but it just seemed like the easiest way to stay.”
“I never wanted you to go,” she admits. “I only wanted you to go because you wanted to go.”
I place my hand on hers. “Brighton has one of the best astrophysics programs in the entire country, and more importantly, it has you, so I didn’t choose Brighton to be selfless, I chose it for me because having you guys in my life means more than everything else.”
Nessie wipes away a quick trail of tears that fall across her cheek. She nods as she licks her lips. “I’m glad you chose Brighton,” she tells me. “And I’m sorry I didn’t listen. When you explain it, everything makes sense, I was just so caught up in the fact that you’d lied. I wish you’d just told me.”
“I know, and I’m sorry about that. I should’ve told you.”
She squeezes my fingers. “But I also understand why you didn’t. I know I’m not always the best listener.”
I shake my head, dismissing her words.
Cooper leans forward. “If it’s any consolation, I’m really fucking glad you turned them down,” he says, his dark eyes intense as he swallows hard, and I know that between this and Ricky and him still missing Tyler, this has been an equally difficult week for Coop.
“I think we just start making plans for our island retreat,” Nessie says, opening one of the pizzas. “We can all work remotely. Build a giant beach house with a pool.”
“As long as there’s coffee,” I say, reaching for a slice of pizza. “Then I’m in.”