“She wants the darkness back. She wants less normal and more bad.” My voice aches, as does my heart as I say the words. Her admission made me question everything that made us who we are. The solid foundation of our relationship now relied on me and one single choice.
Eli’s eyes grow wide, filling with shock. “When you say bad, do you mean the old you? The look-at-me-like-that-again-and-I’ll-remove-your-eyeball Lorenzo?” A smidge of amusement lingers within me.
“Yes. The person who didn’t give two fucks about taking someone’s life. The person who would sit there and watch someone bleed out because it fed the monster inside of me. The dangerous man, full of chaos. She wants that part of me back. She feels like we are whole when I’m that person. I feel like I need to be focused on being a husband and a father. I need to be driving a minivan and shit, not having a shootout with a rival family.” I’m spilling my heart out to another man. I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t turned into a pussy a long time ago, this moment right here solidified it.
“Wow…ah, okay,” he mumbles. “Well…” He seems to be at a loss for words.
“Yeah, so now you know exactly how I reacted to it. I love her, and I feel like I can give her exactly what she wants without pushing my own boundaries… But she won’t stop.” I grip at the edges of my short hair. “She won’t let it go. She pushes and pushes, and eventually, I’m going to fucking snap. Eventually, I’m going to do something I know I will regret.” I feel Eli’s hand land on my shoulder. He is trying to comfort me in the best way possible.
“I wish I knew what to tell you, but only you know for sure what to do. If being the person you used to be makes your marriage whole, isn’t it worth it? Can’t you be a better man while still being the same asshole you used to be?” Eli’s tone causes me to want to lurch across the room and pound my fists against the brick wall again. I hate being wrong, I hate making the wrong choice, and I hate hurting my wife.
“I just don’t want to open up that darkness again. I can’t open the door a little bit and not expect the person I was before not to want to come out completely. I put him away for a reason. In this life, the one I currently live in, he has no place.”
Eli stares at me intently before standing. “What you need isn’t anything you can find here. The most expensive drink you will ever need is sitting at home in your bed, waiting for you. You know what you should do. You’re afraid, and it’s understandable. Just remember, everyone has a fear they have to push through.” He winks at me, takes a step back, then turns and walks away. Where does he think he is going?
“What the fuck? You’re using my own words on me now?” I fumble with the words as I try to make sense out of his non-advice. He stops dead in his tracks, turning around and coming back over to me.
“Look deep inside yourself, and you will find the answer you so desperately seek.” His face is impassive as if he expects me to get what he is saying without further explanation.
“What if looking deep inside is where the monster lurks?”
“Then let him out. Give her what she wants and figure the rest out later,” he responds, walking away from me once again. Anxiety trickles into my belly. If I open that door, it can never be closed again.
Amara
I’m pulled from my dreams when I hear a car outside and the garage door opening. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I look over at the alarm clock sitting on my nightstand—two a.m.
My insides turn cold from the anger running through my veins. The fact I was sleeping just moments ago means nothing to me, nothing at all. I want to know where he’s been and what he was doing. In all the years we’ve been married, he’s never pulled such a ludicrous act before. He’s never just left and didn’t answer his phone or hurt me with his words like he did.
The front door opens and closes. The sound of heavy footsteps carries down the hall, stopping outside our bedroom door. The creaking sound of the wood fills the room. Before he can enter completely, I’m up, sitting in bed with the straps of my nightgown falling down my shoulder.
“I made a mistake…” His words are only a little slurred, and he smells of beer and his cologne. So that’s where he was. Getting drunk.
“Is that right?” I reply, raising my eyebrow at him. This had been our first real fight, and even if it didn’t last that long, it still hurt me.
“Amara,” he purrs, coming further into the room. His fingers reach for the button on his pants as I watch in awe.
“You say you want me to be who I used to be…” I can’t tell if he is asking or stating, so I just nod my head yes. Because I do want that. I want to feel that blazing spark I felt with him when our love story first started.
“I want you,” he growls, his voice deep as he moves closer toward me. The danger, the tension, I can feel it pouring out of him. He wants to bring me to the brink of destruction over and over again. And I want to let him.
His fingers wrap around my throat, catching me off guard as he cuts off my circulation slightly. I smile, a devious feeling forming in my belly. “Then show me,” I order, seduction in my eyes. I want him. Every slick inch of him. The good and the bad.
He smiles at me while his free hand reaches into his back pocket. A moment later, I find out what he reached for. Shining in the moonlight that peeks through our bedroom window is a knife. A gasp leaves my throat, but pleasure courses through me as well. This is a drug to me. The darkness lurking right on the edge of insanity. I trust him completely, and I love him without question.
The tip of the blade slides across my chest as I stare into his eyes, witnessing the smile in them. “Why are you shaking?” he whispers, leaning down into my neck, his tongue darting out as he caresses the side of my throat. “Isn’t this what you want?”
Goosebumps spread across my flesh as I get lost in this moment.
“Mmh,” I murmur through my closed lips as I feel the pressure of his knife against my chest, my skin burning underneath the blade, making my heartbeat skyrocket. My core clenches, and I watch him bring the knife over to one of my straps and then the other, snapping both of them with a switch of his blade.
He pulls the knife up to my mouth and runs it across my bottom lip.
“Do you remember the night I took your virginity?” His voice is soft, even embracing, but I’m unable to form words—my tongue fell into my throat the moment he pulled out his knife.
I nod my head, yes, and his eyes light up with a sexual fury. A zing of energy goes through me and straight to my core. I have never felt so much passion between us, so much love.
“Get up. Go to the wall and face it,” he orders. I do as I’m told, pulling from his touch, and getting out of the bed. Standing in front of him, I allow my nightgown to fall to the floor. Enzo’s eyes take my body in, gazing at my breasts and at my pussy, which is basically begging for his cock, before nodding toward the wall while he finishes undressing.
My feet hit the carpet, taking me to where he wants me. Nervousness starts to creep in as I stand in front of the wall. We are bare to one another in every way possible.
“I thought about all the ways I can fuck you…” The knife scrapes across my shoulder blades, leaving a trail of anticipation in its wake. “Against the wall.” He pushes me flush against it, his cock pressing firmly against my ass cheeks. “On the bed…” Another scrape of his cock between my cheeks.