The breath hitches in my lungs and I slowly turn to face him. “What do you mean?”
His expression on his face is genuine, but I’ve been duped by him before. “I mean, I miss you. I want you to give us another chance.”
I don’t know what comes over me, but I laugh. “Seriously? It didn’t work out the first time. Why would it a second time?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe because I lost my way. You loved me before and I know you can again.”
Shaking my head, I close the distance between us. I did love him once upon a time ago. We shared a lot of good memories, but that’s it. I don’t love him anymore… I love someone else. Deep down, I think I’ve always loved Jude.
“I’m sorry, Shawn,” I whisper regretfully. “I don’t want to go back to my old life. I like the way things are now. I’m happy.”
His brows furrow. “You can’t be happy with me?”
And just as I’m about to answer, my front door opens and Jude walks in. The second he sees me standing close to Shawn, the room turns icy. He glares at Shawn but then I can see the uncertainty in those gray eyes of his.
“Jude Daniels? Is that you?” Shawn asks, his voice condescending.
Jude narrows his gaze. “Shawn.”
Chuckling, Shawn glances back and forth at us both. “Well, damn, Jude you look different now. I bet the ladies go crazy over that lumberjack look.”
Jude snorts. “It’s much better than the douchebag look.” He turns to me and his jaw clenches. “I’ll see you in class.”
He walks away and I rush after him. “Jude, wait!” By the time I get out the door, he’s already down the steps and storming toward his Jeep. “Jude,” I shout again.
Shawn comes up beside me and we both watch Jude speed out of the parking lot. “Something going on between you two?”
I roll my eyes. “That’s none of your business. I never should’ve stopped being friends with him because of you.”
“There’s not a man alive who’d feel comfortable having their wife be friends with a man who was in love with them.” I understand that, but Jude and I had history. I’ll always regret tossing him to the side the way I did. “You have feelings for him, don’t you?”
I turn to him and look right into his eyes. “I’m sorry, Shawn. It’s not going to work for us again. You should probably go.”
He looks off into the distance and sighs. “I’ll go, but I still have hope for us.” Turning on his heel, he heads toward the stairs and leaves. I grab my phone out of my pocket and call Jude. Of course, he doesn’t answer.
8
Jude
She’s too good to be true.
I knew this and should’ve known better than to think someone like me stood a chance with Laura. She hurt me once before because of Shawn and now she’s done it again.
“I’m a damn fool.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand.” I stare at my radio and flip off the console. Maybe it’s a good thing Siri doesn’t understand why I’m a fool. If she did, she’d probably laugh and agree with me.
The drive from Laura’s is too quick, much like my relationship with her. Ouch, that stung. I need more time to figure out my thoughts and being on campus isn’t the best place to do this. It really sucks sometimes when you have to be an adult when all you really want to do is go to the bar and get so drunk you forget the last week.
Instead of going to class, I head to my office. There is no way I can safely teach people today, not without letting my emotions take over. I send an email to my first couple of classes, canceling today’s lecture and because I’m pissed off, I give them a massive assignment due by midnight tomorrow night. It’s shitty of me to do, but right now I don’t care. If anyone has a problem, I’ll happily give them Laura’s email and they can tell her how they feel about my sunny disposition and thank her for it.
After the email is sent, I turn my computer off, go to my door, lock it and pull the shade down. My office is small but it’s the one place I have that Laura hasn’t been in so it’s the safest place for me. As much as I want to go home, I can’t. Laura’s perfume lingers in my car and there’s no doubt she’s all over my cabin. Especially in my bedroom, which means I’m going to sleep in the guest bedroom until I can convince my mom to come clean for me. I won’t even have to beg her, which will be nice.
My phone vibrates and I pull it out of my pocket. I see that I’ve missed a couple calls from Laura and while my finger hovers over the send button to call her back, I’m not ready to hear that we are over before we truly started. I guess I chalk last night up to a one-night stand, which is something I never ever thought I’d have with Laura. I almost wish we never had kissed, had sex, or even reconnected because the pain of losing her again is too much to bear.
My hand covers my chest, right over my heart, where a pain like I’ve never felt starts to rise. I set my head down on my desk and inhale deeply, exhaling slowly. I do this repeatedly, but nothing helps the pain subside. I’m having a damn heart attack and I’m too young for one. I take care of myself, eat right, and exercise so this shouldn’t be happening.
The pain changes and I realize it’s not a heart attack but straight up heart break. Laura broke my heart. I didn’t feel like this when she left our friendship though because her departure was gradual. A missed call here or there, a late response on a text, canceled plans. Her actions built up. They went from hours to days, to finally weeks, and then I gave up. The writing was on the wall. Our friendship was over. It was hard to accept, but I did. And when she didn’t return to campus in the fall, I knew then that there was no hope of ever seeing her again. This was, and still is, the only time I’ve been ghosted. It hurt so bad that I made sure to never ever do it to anyone else.
But this pain is different. It moves rapidly through my body, all the way down to my toes. The waves of emotion are too much for me to handle and I let out a groan that starts in my stomach and turns into a scream. The next thing I know, the items on my desk go flying and things crash against the wall. My old-fashioned paperweight shattered and the sprinkling of glass sounds like rain. I can’t be bothered to get up and look at the damage I’ve done because I don’t care. I’m more concerned with the tears coming from my eyes. They’re streaming down my face and into the scruff on my face; the couple days growth that I left purposely for Laura. I wipe angrily at my face, my watch digging into my skin and likely leaving a mark. I don’t care. What I do care about is that I’ve allowed this woman to hurt me again.
My office phone rings. I want to be childish and pick up the receiver and slam it back down because I suspect that it’s Laura on the other end. However, losing my job is not an option because my luck, it would be the President or Dean calling about something—probably the fact that I had sex with a student.
I knew this would come back to bite me in the ass.
The ringing is incessant but there is no way I’m going to answer this call or any that will come after. I yank the phone line from the wall and the ringing stops. The silence is welcomed. But the pain and tears are still there. I hate that I’m crying over her. I didn’t the first time, so it doesn’t make sense as to why I am now.