"If he knew Chad so well, why didn't he meet with me himself? I don't understand why he wouldn't want to see me. I'd like to thank him," I said, holding my head high as I stared at the man in front of me.
He smiled, and something about him seemed so familiar. Like I'd seen him before in passing, but I couldn't place him. His brown eyes were warm on mine, his salt and pepper hair short and well-styled. He wore a fitted suit over his lean frame, the refinery of the fit and style showing just how expensive it was.
"He would like to remain anonymous for the time being, but I can promise you he only has your best interest at heart. There will come a time when it is more appropriate that the two of you meet, but for now the important thing is for you to take the time you need to heal. To grieve your loss, Mrs. Latour. I wish you the best of luck in what will undoubtedly be a hard road."
“Why isn’t it appropriate that we meet now? I don’t understand.” My voice dropped a level, moving from the place where I’d been willing to be patient to where I wanted to demand answers as my paranoia grew.
His hands barely touched the surface of the desk as he pushed to his feet and stepped around the massive thing until I had no choice but to stand as well for fear of looking rude. “I’m not at liberty to discuss it at this time,” he returned, moving toward the door of the wallpapered office.
“Should I be expecting someone to check on us? To monitor our spending?” I asked, refusing to step away from the desk. I might have stood, but I wouldn’t let him dismiss me so casually after he turned my world upside down.
“We’ll be in touch,” he said vaguely and his hand wrapped around the doorknob.
With a sigh of frustration, I moved toward him and took his hand for a shake. “Perhaps I’ll be in touch instead,” I said, hinting I wouldn’t just lie down and accept his non-answers. "It was nice to meet you, Mr. Lombardi," I said, swallowing down the threat of tears. He'd shown me kindness when he didn't need to, understanding how uncertain I must feel in the circumstances.
"Please call me Don. The pleasure was all mine, Mrs. Latour. I hope the next time we meet is under more fortunate circumstances."
I nodded. I didn't understand what had happened to my picture-perfect life. I didn’t understand why this had happened to my family.
I turned my head and looked into the camera again before I left the office, unable to stop the way my skin tingled in that too familiar way. I could practically feel the person sitting on the other side of the screen.
Watching. Waiting.
Always.
Four
Calla
Almost one year later
I plastered a smile on my face, smiling brightly to keep the kids from noticing the horror I'd realized as soon as I opened my eyes in my eternally empty bed.
One year.
It had been one year since Chad died, since I lost my husband and my partner. Since my kids lost their father.
I went through the morning routine with a smile on my face, loving the sunshine as it streamed in through the windows of the kitchen. I scrambled eggs. I danced around in my yoga gear.
My sleepy kids groaned at my enthusiasm like they normally did. Axel held his head in his hands at the kitchen counter like he just couldn't handle the fact that morning dared to come. Even Ines dragged in the mornings, and I missed the days when I'd been able to let her sleep just a little longer before I had to carry her to the car to drop Axel off at school.
"Cheesy eggs?" Ines peeped in her tiny voice that melted my heart and the heart of anyone who heard it. A princess through and through, she already wore her rainbow unicorn dress, even if she was half asleep.
"Of course, baby," I smiled back. "Axe, can you grab me the cheese, sweetheart?"
"Okay, Mommy," he murmured, stumbling down from his seat and making for the fridge as I buttered their toast. My heart clenched. I knew the day when my boy stopped calling me mommy approached rapidly. He was already six, already such a tall boy, just like his father.
It hurt that every time I looked at the kids, I saw bits of Chad in them. Like the most bittersweet memory, like I always carried a piece of him with me. Axel had his chocolate hair and square face. Ines had his full lips and green eyes.
Even though I could pick out the traits they inherited from him, there was no doubt they were my kids. Their mannerisms, Ines’s hair and Axel's eyes, they were all me. It depressed me to think that in such a brief time, it seemed like the traces of their father in their personalities had disappeared.
Chad hadn't been overly enthusiastic. He was affectionate at the start of our marriage, but that dissipated more and more with every year that passed. Even after all our years together, I couldn't pick out a single thing the kids did that reminded me of him. He was so calm and controlled, there wasn't much to mimic. That only mattered when he’d been home, which grew increasingly less and less often. The rising demands of a career that meant everything to him caused him to spend more time away from home than with his family.
My aunt had asked me once how I could miss a man who was never around when he was alive, but at least then I’d been able to convince myself I wasn’t alone.
That what we did for our family, though our roles were separate, was all to work towards the same goal: a happy, safe life for our kids.
I shrugged off the melancholy thoughts and scooped eggs onto their plates, giving them each a piece of toast as I turned to wash the pan. They ate in silence as they woke up.
"Can I stay home today?" Axel asked, and the pan clanged into the sink as I dropped it. Turning back to him, I furrowed my brow in confusion.
"Are you not feeling well?"
"Mommy, I know what day it is," he said, and his little voice went so melancholy that my heart cracked in my chest.
I sighed, abandoning the pan in favor of making my way to my kids. Axel had already finished eating, because nothing could stop that boy from shoveling it into his mouth
Not even the anniversary of his father's death.
I walked around the kitchen island, needing to be within hugging distance for this conversation. "I think it's probably a good idea for you to go to school today." I knelt on the floor at his feet, taking his hands in mine and smiling through the tears burning my eyes. "You don't want to just sit at home and think about it, do you?"
"Could we go to the cemetery?" he asked, turning those deep blue eyes so like mine up to beg me.
"I tell you what," I murmured, reaching out to stroke my hand over the top of his head and brush his hair back from his face. He was due for a haircut, something I always did for him and Chad at the same time. Without Chad, it became a melancholy reminder that we both dreaded. "I have to go to the studio this morning and teach a class, but how about Ines and I pick you up after lunch? We'll go see your Dad and then get ice cream."
"Okay, mommy," he whispered, and I touched my forehead to his, sniffling back the tears one more time.
"That's my brave boy," I said, and I pulled back to stand. "Get your backpack ready for school, okay, Cookie?"
He nodded, darting into the living room to grab his stuff. I knew he needed the minute of privacy, knew that he felt like he needed to be stronger than ever without Chad. Axel became the man of the house at five, and he did the best he could to be older than he was. When I stepped around the corner of the island, Ines caught my eye. She furrowed her tiny brows in confusion and reached up a buttery hand to run her fingers through her hair. She was too young and could barely communicate with words, but she also made no secret of her not remembering her father well. There were moments when she saw Axel missing him, and I could see her trying to grasp what she didn’t have.