The reality that she wouldn't be likely to have any memories of her father when she was older was something I couldn't think about without breaking down. It echoed my motherless childhood too closely.
I missed my husband. I missed having a partner. But more than anything, I missed my kids having a father.
"You almost ready, Princess?" I asked her, finishing up the pan and turning her attention back to me. Her expression smoothed out, a bright smile transforming her heart-shaped face.
"Yes, mommy," she peeped, holding up her arms in her high chair. Taking the wet washcloth, I cleaned all the evidence of her breakfast from her face and out of her hair the best I could.
"Are you ready to go see your Grandpa?" I asked as I lifted her out of the chair and carried her into the living room where Axel waited. Hanging out with my dad at his garage had quickly become my little princess's favorite pastime, and I couldn't blame her. I'd spent many years watching him restore vintage cars and handing him tools, feeling like his little helper.
The absence of my mom made it necessary.
I knew my dad probably never expected he'd have to do it all over again with his granddaughter, but I also knew he loved Ines and Axel with everything he was. He would give anything to enjoy his time with them—even be less productive at the shop.
I helped Ines into her spring jacket, zipping her up and booping her nose so she giggled and filled the silence with just a little piece of joy.
I'd take whatever I could get that day.
As soon as I bundled her up, Axel stepped forward to take her little hand in his while I grabbed her bag of toys to play with for the few hours she would spend at the shop with her Grandpa. They stood by the door and waited patiently while I grabbed my purse, and then we were out for another hectic morning of drop-offs.
Axel held his sister tight until I got the car door open and hoisted her inside. Always her protector, it overjoyed me to see just how close they’d become in the absence of Chad. I loved that he stepped up to help with Ines. I just hated that it was necessary at all.
Perhaps it was time to consider Aunt Sigrid’s encouragement that the time had come to consider dating again. Even if the thought filled me with dread, didn’t I owe it to my son to give him a father figure? To let him sit back and be a kid again?
I did everything I could, but for a boy who’d been raised with a hero for a father, it just wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough, and I never would be. No matter how much I wanted to be.
Once I’d gotten Ines settled into her seat, I walked around to the driver’s side of the car and opened the backdoor to check that Axel fastened himself in correctly. He rolled his eyes at me. Always my independent man who knew he could do it himself. I checked every time anyway, because I would never forgive myself if I didn’t and something happened. He’d understand one day.
I pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek that made him groan. “Mommy,” he protested, wiping his cheek with the sleeve of his jacket furiously. Once I climbed in the front seat and started the car, music from Ines’s favorite princess movie immediately assaulted me, and Axel groaned again.
Backing out of the driveway while I changed it to the radio, Ines voiced her protest. “Princess, Mommy!”
“You know how it works, baby. You got the stereo yesterday. Today is Axel’s turn.” She pursed her little lips into a scowl as she glared at me, but I ignored it. I did not have time for a two-year-old tantrum today.
Nope.
I would not feed the terror that was my toddler.
Pulling up to my dad’s shop a few minutes later, any threat of a meltdown disappeared the moment she saw her Grandpa strolling out the door. He tugged her door open, looking all around the interior of the car. “Where’s my favorite granddaughter?” he asked. “Calla Lily, did you forget her at home?”
“Here, Grampa!” she squealed, kicking her little legs.
“Oh!” He smacked his forehead playfully. “How could I have missed the prettiest girl in the world?” His hands went to her car seat, unbuckling her and tugging her into his arms. “Have a good day at school, my Axel boy,” he added, turning that warm smile to his grandson.
I’d long since been convinced that there was nothing my dad couldn’t fix, so when he made Axel smile, it only confirmed my belief. The man was a miracle worker.
“I’ll try, Grandpa.”
“She has juice and snacks in her bag, and she brought her ponies today—” I started, wincing when he narrowed his eyes at me.
Dad shrugged me off, “Somehow, I kept you alive all your childhood. I think I’ve got it covered.” Axel laughed in the back seat, and I twisted my face up to glare at both of them. Moms just couldn’t help themselves.
“Try not to get into too much trouble today, my darling daughter.” My dad’s words only deepened my glare as I stuck my tongue out at him. He grabbed Ines’s bag from the floor of the back seat, and then I steeled my spine as I backed out of my parking space to bring Axel to school.
I swear you get in one public argument with the President of the PTA, and people never let you live it down.
Psh.
Thankfully, Axel’s school and the yoga studio were close to Dad’s shop, so we only drove in silence for a few minutes before I parked in the studio lot and hopped out. Axel climbed out of the back, hoisting his bookbag up into place. It was too heavy for his age, but my boy wouldn’t have it any other way. He let me hold his hand as we walked down the sidewalk and crossed the street. Every morning I thanked my lucky stars that I’d gotten a job at the studio right next to his school, because between dropping off Ines and then dropping off Axel, the idea of having to load myself into the car to go to some other part of town to work for a few hours exhausted me.
The wrought-iron fencing and the gate of the school came into view, and I tried not to flinch at the sight of all the moms dropping their kids off and looking immaculate in their trendy clothes.
Drop off was always painful. I was always the mom who rolled up in elastic-waist pants in a school that rolled its eyes every time I set foot inside it.
The fact was, Axel was smart. Too smart for public school, apparently.
He had a head for numbers, understanding them in a way that I had no clue where it came from. His school picked him out of the class in his first week of preschool, saying he was an exceptionally gifted boy.
He'd been reading when his classmates were learning the alphabet. He could count to one hundred when they were counting to ten. So, Chad and I had pulled the money out of nowhere, paying the tuition for the fancy private school that hosted gifted children. They strongly emphasized the importance of having a parental figure at home to encourage learning and help with the pile of homework they sent home every night. Most days, I wondered if I should just let Axel be more of a kid, but I couldn’t deny the joy he felt when he solved the latest problems they presented him with.
So I tolerated the perfect moms with the flawless blowouts and the stylish outfits and snide looks. So what if I pulled my platinum hair into a messy bun on my head? So what if my black yoga pants clung to my thighs in a way that the elite found inappropriate?
I did what I had to do to get by in the shit situation life threw at me.
"You'll pick me up early?" he asked as we stepped up to the gates, and the sadness in his voice made me glance down at him. He was normally so excited for school, darting off so quickly I sometimes had to fight to get a hug goodbye.