School takes all my time.
No guys.
No…
Fuck, those fingertips feel good. My eyelids are still pressed together. I can’t see him. Somehow, I can tell I’m safe. That he won’t hurt me.
That he only wants to bring me comfort.
Pleasure.
He drags his fingertips down my chest. Over the neckline of my tank top. The weight of his body sinks into mine. He’s heavy and hard and warm.
My skin is burning from his touch.
I’m hot everywhere. I can hear his breath. Feel his heartbeat. He’s alive. And he’s making me acutely aware of how alive I am.
That matters, that I’m alive.
That we’re alive.
He lets out a low groan.
The same low groan he lets out on…
Oh God.
My eyes blink open.
That’s him.
Miles.
His eyes are blue. And they’re filled with unspeakable need.
Then his eyelids are pressing together and his lips are crashing into mine.
His fingers find the waistband of my pajama bottoms.
Then slide beneath it.
Fuck.
My mind goes blank.
I don’t feel any hurt or anguish or emptiness.
I only feel desire.
Pure, raw desire.
Megara
My skin is slick with sweat.
This is a thin sheet, but right now it feels heavy.
It’s too hot.
Even with the window open.
Even with the breeze blowing morning air over my bed.
The sky is that soft blue color. The color of dawn. And of the hospital beds in the ER.
I can’t be having sex dreams about rock stars.
I’m not about to fall in love with some guy I’ll never meet because his song speaks to me.
This is it. No more listening to In Pieces on repeat. No more watching that video. No more thinking about him. Period.
• • •
Damn successful rock stars. In Pieces continues to dominate my radio. Then the band releases a new song. It’s not as big of a hit, but it’s there, haunting me every time I change the station, popping up on Pandora.
I try to ignore his sexy voice. When that doesn’t work, I give in, and I listen to my fall apart playlist on repeat.
The Saturday before school starts, I’m fixing coffee, ready to find something to fill the day, something besides thinking about how much I miss Rosie.
TV isn’t doing it anymore. Movies either. I feel worse with Star Wars on-screen, its supposedly comforting familiarity mocking me.
There’s a knock on my door.
Shit.
That must be Kara. I’ve been dodging her calls and canceling stuff last minute.
I smooth my tank top and I answer the door.
Sure enough, she’s standing there in a fit and flare dress. The snug fit accentuates her curvy frame. Even though she’s a head shorter than I am, Kara has a presence. She always projects poise and confidence. Her makeup always extenuates her brown eyes. Her long dark hair is always perfectly straight.
If she wasn’t my best friend, I’d hate her for having all her shit together.
She offers me a sincere smile. “Hey.”
I fold my arms over my chest reflexively. I shouldn’t be this defensive with my best friend, but I can’t face anyone right now. “Hey.”
She holds up a plastic bag. “Tea?”
“Okay.” I motion for her to come in.
She does. We divide the cans of iced tea. Sencha for me. Black tea for her.
I pop open my can of green tea and take a long sip. It’s cool and crisp and a little bit nutty. Lately, I can barely taste anything. But this tea is packed with flavor.
“You stopped trying with your excuses.” She takes a long sip of her black tea and slides into the seat at the counter.
“I’m still trying.”
She shakes her head, pulls out her phone, and reads aloud from it. “I can’t make it to brunch today. I have to catch this Futurama marathon.”
“That is what I did all day.”
“It’s on Netflix.”
“Even so…”
She points to the DVDs stacked on my desk. Sure enough, the entire set of Futurama is right there.
“Okay, that one was weak.”
“That one?” Her dark eyes light up as she laughs. “You should admit it so I can stop torturing you.”
“All of my reasons are legitimate.”
“Uh-uh.” She looks to her phone and reads off my next excuse. “Sorry. I lost track of time on the treadmill.”
“I went to the gym.”
“No offense, sweetie, but we both know you don’t work out. You’re very-”
“Flat?”
“Svelte.” She gives me a quick once-over. “I don’t want to comment on your body. I love you, but not that way.” Her voice gets soft. “Have you been eating?”
“No.” I’ve always been on the slim side, but since Rosie died, I’m all skin and bones. I feel awkward and gangly this far below my fighting weight.
“I’m not going to tell you to eat. I’m not going to ask you to smile. I remember when my dad died… that was the worst part.”
I nod.
“But I’m not going to sit around while you disappear either.” She takes the last sip from her can of tea and sets it in the recycling bin. “Come on. We’re going out today. You don’t have to enjoy it, but you do have to go.”
My gaze goes to the window. The sun is already high in the bright blue sky. “Out there?”
She laughs. “Yes, out there.”
“What’s out there?”
“Sushi, boba, karaoke, cute stuffed alpacas.”
“I’m listening.”
“The Best Buy is within spitting distance. And I do want to…” She bites her lip. “No, I’ll do that later.”
“Huh?” Grief has made me a pretty shitty friend. But I can still pick up on the way her voice is wavering. Her eyes are getting dreamy. “Why would you ever want to go to Best Buy?”
“It’s nothing.”
I take my last clean, crisp sip and set my can next to hers. “It’s something.”
Her eyes light up with a realization. Her red lips curl into a smile. “I’ll tell you if you go outside.”
“To Best Buy?”
“That’s nearly four blocks away. It would be asking a lot,” she teases.
I nod.
“Let’s start with boba.”
“I can do that.”
• • •
It’s a nice day. Bright. Warm. Alive. The strip mall-style plaza down the street is packed. It takes forever to cross Sawtelle then it’s a quick walk to my favorite boba place.
I haven’t been to this particular shop in ages. The colors on the walls seem brighter. The cute signs are more grating. The citrus scene in the air is somehow sweeter and more sour at once.
Dammit, I’m a mess here. I’m desperate for school to finally start, but I’m not sure how I’m going to survive it.
I can barely leave the house for sugar and caffeine.
How am I going to make it through fall semester of my senior year?
How am I going to make it through med school applications?