“Oh, calm down. If it upsets you that much, you big baby, then start slapping asses again and asking women to come home with you.”
“I can’t. The lawyers, you know? My hands are tied.”
“Sure, they are.” It amused me to see him fighting to never publicly admit his affection for Gaia, and yet it was quite clear for anyone to see.
“Lawsuits aside, we should discuss why I’m here. I need you to do me a favor.”
“Depends.” Because one learned early on not to agree without knowing the details first. “What’s the favor?”
“I need you to find out what my head librarian Shax is up to.”
My mouth went dry. “Why? What do you think he’s guilty of?”
Lucifer jabbed a shrimp in my direction. “I initially thought he was boinking my wife, then I realized how ridiculous it was that she’d choose his less-than-impressive self over me.”
“Naturally.”
“So, I wondered, what is she up to that requires her being alone with another man and has her returning looking furtive? Why is it that the other day, she returned sopping wet, smelling of fish, and fuming? It apparently wasn’t because she didn’t properly shower. Quite insulted she was too, for some reason.”
“Get to the point,” I grumbled.
“It’s a long point, so pay attention. Isn’t it a huge coincidence that Atlantis, which has just resurfaced for the first time in centuries, is a destination for a brand-new cruise? One my wife has an itinerary for on her Hell phone.”
“How would you know?”
“Do you really think I don’t stalk my wife?” Lucifer rolled his eyes.
“If you’re such a good stalker, why do you need me?”
Lucifer scowled. “Because Gaia is wily. She keeps evading me, but I know she’s been on this ship. And do who you know who else is on this ship? My head librarian. The one she’s been visiting for the last few weeks. He’s suddenly taking a vacation. Strange. Hence why I procured you some excellent accommodations.”
Which meant in the bowels of the ship, in a tiny closet of a room that I shared with Jane. Noisy as all hell, too. Brilliant on the devil’s part as he ensured I’d spend little time in it and would eagerly do his bidding.
“You think Shax is conspiring against you with your wife?”
“Yes. And I believe whatever it is has to do with Atlantis.”
“Could be he’s interested in a cure for his nephew.”
“Why would he want to get rid of the curse? Killian will be the mightiest of sea beasts. A lord of the ocean. Why, he could even annoy the piss out of Neptune if he chose. That’s not a curse. It’s a bloody miracle.”
I shook my head, mostly in admiration. “You are a true demon at heart.”
“Some days it’s good to be evil. Which is to say, it’s good to be me.” The dark lord had a grin that would terrify even a killer clown.
Glad he was happy. I, on the other hand, found myself quite annoyed. Especially since I knew exactly what Lucifer attempted with his appearance. “You are trying to set me up,” I huffed.
Not the first time the devil played matchmaker. I’d avoided previous attempts quite easily. Somehow, he must have gotten wind of my long-ago crush on Shax. Then fabricated a reason for us to be on a cruise together, and now, threw me at my ex-crush in the hopes of pairing us up.
It wouldn’t happen. Lucifer might have managed some impossible hookups in the past, but Shax and I would never be a couple.
“Me? Try to put together a fabulous old witch and a just-as-old demon? Never.” The rebuttal was way too overblown.
“Why would you even bother? We’re too old to be making babies.” In this body, at any rate. I eyed it. There were spells I could use…
“Can’t a dark lord just want to see two of his loyal minions find their happily ever after?”
“No.” With Lucifer, there was always an angle.
“Are your feelings going to be a problem?” He went from joking to serious, badass Lord of Hell. “I gave you an order. Find out what Shax is doing. Make sure he’s not doing my wife.”
“And if he is?”
The devil smiled. “Then I hope you’re not too attached.”
3
Shax: I really wish someone could recommend a book that explains women.
I didn’t know what I’d done to piss Dottie off, and yet there was no denying she was angry. Odd, since she had been the one to abruptly sever our friendship when she left without a word. I’d found out what’d happened later via rumor.
She appeared old now, on the waning edge of life. I had to wonder why she chose to age. A witch of her abilities surely knew how to combat it. After all, she had some demon blood in her line. However, she appeared matronly, her hair a whitish gray cap of fuzz, her clothing the pastel monstrosities often seen in retirement communities—comfort being key. Her skin was wrinkled as if she didn’t know of any creams to moisturize.
Why had she let herself go?
Only one answer came to mind.
She must still mourn the loss of her husband.
When I found out that she’d married, and in turn stopped visiting the library, I assumed she’d found her grand love. I’d also gone on a bender that involved waking up a few weeks later with a tattoo on my ass and no recollection of anything but a healthy respect from the tavern regulars I’d apparently gotten maudlin with.
I put Dottie out of my mind and not long after made the deal to become a demi-demon. I saved my library. Disappeared into Hell and threw myself into my work. I spent centuries not really feeling anything, and only truly woke up again at Ian’s arrival on my doorstep.
Seeing Dottie, though… I could feel a quickening in my blood. A perk of interest.
Call me pathetic, but I still harbored feelings for her.
I remembered all too well the shy smiles we shared back before either of us had truly experienced life. How I’d stuttered around her, my ability to use simple grammar stunted the moment I caught even a hint of her presence. I knew what she was. A witch. Her mother had warned me away, told me it was for my own good. Dorothy was meant for great things, and she would live a long, long time. Whereas I—only a scholar, not a fighter, and human to boot—wasn’t a proper match for her. That didn’t occur until I became a demi-demon, but by then, it was too late.
Dottie had moved on.
“Fuck me with a giant dildo, could you look more depressed on a cruise through paradise? What the fuck is wrong with you?” The devil stood blocking my view with his obnoxiously bright ensemble.
“Sailor suits went out of style,” I remarked.
“I am bringing them back, baby.” Lucifer swung his hips and winked.
“What do you want?” I snapped.
“Now, Shax, is that any way to greet your lord and master?” Lucifer pretended to be aggrieved.
I merely scowled. Having served out my contract in Hell, the devil no longer had true reign over me. “I retired from your service.”
“Ruining my perfect record, I know. People are supposed to die on the job, literally working themselves to death. But you…you are actually collecting your pension as of this morning.”