“I hardly call getting a piece of coal each week a pension.”
“Back in the day, when the bargain was made, it was worth a fortune.”
“Why are you here? Don’t you have to go feed the baby or something?” I didn’t need the devil breathing down my neck, not with me secretly working for his wife.
“I let Nef borrow the little ankle biter.” Lucifer angled his leg. “Little fucker clamped on this morning and wouldn’t let go. Had to shake like a bunny on ED pills to get him off. Thought Gaia was gonna tear off my head when she caught him. Can you believe she said my yelling ‘touchdown’ was inappropriate?”
“I can’t imagine.” Because that seemed like a perfect time to use that expression. “And Gaia’s okay with Nefertiti watching the child?”
“Why wouldn’t she be? I used to let Muri visit with her all the time. And Bambi credits her time in the tower as the reason she won Slut of the Year so many times in a row. But only because I don’t participate anymore.” Lucifer had been the undisputed champ for a long time.
“Hey, if you aren’t attached to your head, then who am I to dispute your choice in childcare?” I shrugged.
“I smell the censure in your tone.” The devil puffed up his chest.
Such preening had long ago lost its ability to impress. Don’t get me wrong, in a knock-them-down battle, Lucifer would hand me my ass. But that didn’t mean I rolled over to him.
“Gee, why would anyone have a problem with a sorceress, almost as old as you, caring for an innocent child?”
“Ain’t nothing innocent about my son,” Lucifer bragged. “And how come you’re not bugging Adexios? He has a sea monster watching after his kids.”
“Sweets would pulverize anyone who harmed a hair on their heads.”
“I know, and it’s so unfair. How come I don’t have a sea monster?” Lucifer pouting was a scary thing. “Not yet, at any rate. How is Ian doing?” His teeth gleamed.
I glared. “Ian isn’t working for you.” The devil kept offering, though. Wanted a kraken of his very own on the payroll.
“Then you better help me out.”
“With what?” I’d agree to many things to get the devil to walk away from the kid. Yes, kid. At thirty-two, Ian hadn’t experienced anything. A child still in so many ways.
“Something weird is going on. I can feel it. Coming from this very ship!” His brows beetled—impressively I might add—actually shifting across his face.
“And what do you expect me to do about it?”
“I need you to be my eyes and ears, Shax. Flush out the threat.”
“Other than food poisoning, I highly doubt there’s anything on this ship that can hurt you. Or Hell for that matter.”
“You can’t know that for sure. You haven’t even looked.”
“I can be sure because even if there was something hinky on board, I’d say it’s the humans on this Earth plane that need to worry. Not you. Unless you’re planning to bring back the threat if it turns out to be alive.”
Lucifer rubbed his chin. “Depends on if it would make a good pet. I’d like to get Damian something unique.”
“Why not another dragon? Like you got your granddaughter, Lucinda.”
The devil shook his head. “Too simple. I want something a little cooler.”
“I swear, you try to give my nephew to your kid as a pet, and we will have a problem.”
“Threatening me?” Lucifer huffed some smoke.
“Don’t touch Ian.”
“You want to make a deal, then you will do my bidding even if you are retired. Must be nice. I’d like to retire, too, you know.”
“Then do it.”
The devil snorted. “And who would rule Hell in my stead? Remember those times when I stepped down for a little bit?”
Hell had turned into a veritable Hell. Most days, it wasn’t bad living there. A bit ashy. Always kind of warm. But in many respects, it was like living on Earth, just more violent and crowded. The human souls didn’t always recycle themselves all that quickly. In some ways, the Lilith incident helped. An old, old witch—older even than Lucifer—used souls to power spells. It had cleared out thousands, making room for the ever-incoming influx.
“Okay, so you’re needed. Boo. Hoo. You’ve been doing it for thousands of years. Big deal. Delegate.”
“I have been delegating,” Lucifer grumbled. “And yet, some things require my attention. Did you know my seers are all claiming a calamity is about to strike? Again. And once more, the useless fuckers can’t tell me when or what is coming. Dooming me to fail. How hard would it be to tell if it’s another flood, meaning I should put in an order for more beach and sailing gear? What if it’s an ice age? Totally different wardrobe required. I have an appearance to maintain.”
“I know.”
The devil had a few halls in the library dedicated to fashion magazines of him. Only one copy per issue. All stored. Every so often, a punishment for a soul involved cataloguing all the various styles.
“We better not be in line for another catastrophic event. It took forever to recover from the deaths last time. And there’s more of them now. Imagine, billions of souls coming to my gates, demanding entrance. The paperwork. The crowding. Why, it would be pure…Hell.”
The devil hated bureaucracy and yet had his government buried in layers of it. The problem with having too many lawyers and politicians in Hell? Their evil ways rubbed off.
“I’ll keep an eye open, but my first priority is still Ian. I am not going to abandon him during his final days.”
“Bunch of drama llamas.” The devil smirked. “You act as if he’s dying.”
“He’s going to become a kraken forever.”
“And? Seems like the perfect life to me. Swim all day. Eat when you want. Mermaids to cater to your every whim. The strength to smash ships and drown sailors.” He rubbed his hands in glee.
“Not everyone aspires to be a monster.
“Underachievers.”
“Which reminds me, I hear your son is thriving.”
At the statement, Lucifer grimaced. “The hellion of my loins is growing. And loud. He yells and expects everyone to drop what they’re doing to attend him.”
“Meaning he takes after you.”
The insult brought a smile to the devil’s face. “Chip off the old demon. Which could be a problem. Have you seen the meme circulating around Hell media?”
“Can’t say as I have,” I lied. Making Lucifer proud I’m sure even as he probably wondered why.
“Some ridiculous cartoon showing Damian killing his mum. And me. But that’s to be expected. Not so crazy about the threat to Gaia. I won’t have her hurt.” Then as if realizing what he admitted, he added gruffly, “If she dies, so does the planet. Can’t have that now, can we?”
“No, that would be grave news. But surely the cartoon is just that—satire.”
Lucifer looked grave. “I wish it were only that. It was drawn by the great-grandson of Nostradamus.”
Hmm. That made it a little more serious. “What will you do about it?”