“I’m so lonely,” her mother cries.
Becca kisses her cheek because she is so sad and her mother almost smiles. Her lip moves a little. Becca kisses her cheek, and pats down her hair that’s gone crazy, all frizzy and tangled. Becca lets her cry because Becca knows what it is to be lonely. She is lonely too.
Then Becca thinks of her new friend and Faith and she is not lonely at all.
monsters
Her dad died three years ago, and Becca doesn’t really remember him much. Sometimes she thinks she can remember holding his hand. Sometimes she thinks she can remember his voice, low and warm. But she doesn’t know if she is making it up or not.
Her mother put his pictures away. She said it hurt too much to look at him. She hurts a lot. That’s why Becca has to try so hard to be good..
But the thing is that there is no good when the mother turns demon. The thing is that there are monsters in families and sometimes nobody notices.
no dilly-dallying
Her mother stops crying and wipes her face with hard hands. She tells Becca it’s time to go to bed.
“No dilly-dallying,” she says. “No dreaming out the window.”
Becca likes to stare at the stars at night. They help her dreams, but that’s not allowed.
“Right to bed, Becca.” Her mother taps Becca’s bum, but in a nice way, shooing her. Maybe tonight she’s a good girl.
The past and the present and future are all one and no matter how much you can see of it. You can’t change it. Ever.
becca and the window
Becca cannot resist the window. She tiptoes out of bed, but the TV is on loud anyway, so she doesn’t think her mother will hear. Becca bites her lip and then remembers not to. Biting lips is bad girl behavior, so is looking out windows at night when you are supposed to be in bed.
Her hands shake.
Her mother won’t hear. Will she?
Becca lifts up the window and lets the cold air in. It brings smells, crisp leaf smells. Outside air is much better than inside air. Becca breathes it in deep.
Then she whispers hello to the stars. She has named them. They aren’t the scientific names; they’re just regular.
“Hello Sharon. Hello Elsie. Hello Rachel. Hello Hyacinth. Hello Tutti-Frutti. Hello John. Hello Ethan.”
faith returns to becca
It’s Faith that Becca notices outside first. He flutters down off the neighbor’s roof and lands on her windowsill.
“Faith! You’re here!” Becca puts out her finger and strokes his feathers, peers out the window and searches for the boy.
He’s there.
He stands on the ground and waves. She leans on the windowsill and Faith flies off.
“What are you doing here?”
She whisper-talks because she is so scared her mom will see him or hear her, but at the same time Becca’s heart flutters with Faith wings because he is here and she is not alone with just the star friends.
“I told you I’d be close by,” he says and bows.
And Becca is so glad to see him that she laughs, long and good, and real.
tv sounds
“Have you gotten in trouble tonight?” he asks.
She checks over her shoulder. Her door is shut. TV sounds still come up from downstairs.
“Nope.”
“Good.”
“Yeah.”
He tosses an acorn between his hands. Back and forth.
She smiles down at him. “One second.”
Hurrying to her closet, she grabs a sweater and puts it on to keep away the chill.
“Are you cold?” she asks him, rubbing at her arms, but not in the bruise place.
He shrugs. “I’m okay.”
She runs back to the closet and grabs another sweater and races back to the window.
“Here,” she says and throws it down.
The sweater balloons out like a parachute. It would be fun to float down like that.
He stands super still. The sweater lands right on his head. They laugh more, like birds singing. It fills up her lungs with happy.
He puts her sweater on, but it’s too small and looks silly with his wrists and hands sticking out. He models it. Faith flies down and lands on his head. He chirps. The boy chirps back. The bird chirps again and flies up and into a tree branch. The boy makes his arms like wings and pretends to fly too. The sweater keeps him from moving his arms really well. Becca giggles at him and covers her mouth because the cold hurts her teeth.
“See,” he calls up to her. “I said you were a nice girl. Only a nice girl would loan me her sweater.”
She hugs herself. Maybe it is true.
turning brave
Having a friend turns her brave. Having a friend turns her silly. They laugh about nothing and everything. They throw the acorn to each other. She drops it. He throws it up to her. Her fingers turn icy cold.
“Where are your parents?” she asks him, blowing on her fingers. “Aren’t you going to get in trouble?”
He scratches behind his ear. “They’re gone.”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugs.
She tries again. “My dad is gone. Are they gone like that?”
“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah. Half gone. The other is almost gone.”
She wants to hug him but he’s all the way down there on the grass. Her friend has half parents. She wipes at her eyes because of his loss.
“Hey. It’s okay,” he says, bouncing on his feet to keep warm. “People go to a really good place when it’s over.”
“Yeah.” She sniffles. She wants her dad to be in a good place too.
“Yeah,” he says, throwing Becca the acorn. She catches it. “I’ll take you there, sometime okay?”
“Soon?”
She whispers the word, but he hears her anyway.
He smiles and his face looks sad a little. “Yeah, pretty soon.”
breathe in breathe out
A noise is at the door and she rushes away from the window and slams into her bed, pulling her covers up taut. She makes tight-closed eyes and waits. But nothing happens. The mother doesn’t come. Becca waits more. Still, nothing.
Her heart pounds too fast. It’s trying to escape out her ribs. Her eyes tingle because she is so scared.
Breathe in, Becca.
Breathe out.
Bad girls talk out windows to boys.
Bad girls do not go right to bed.
Breathe in, Becca.
The mother still doesn’t come. Becca hears wings at her window. She tugs off her covers and opens her eyes. Faith flutters there, right in the middle of her room. His wings shine in the night.
breaking rules
“I can’t stay at the window long,” she tells him. “My mom will get mad.”
The bruises on her arm ache more when she thinks about them.
She thinks about them.
“That’s okay,” he says.
He is little down there, her new friend. His eyes sparkle like stars.
“Do you ever count the cracks on your ceiling?” she asks him.